Escaping my Prison, Join me?

Hello! I hope this post finds you all feeling well, happy, loved, and  so much more! Why limit the love?!!!

I am finding it hard to start writing this. I really want to pour my heart into this. I want to show all of my strengths and talents and flaws and shortcomings(trust me, there are many!). That is what I want to do. I want to paint you a picture, a portal to my soul. When you read my words I want you to feel like you really know me, because you will. I want to hold nothing loving back. I only want to use my ego as a tool to remind me to take care of myself. I don't want to feel like my ego is putting my light out. You feel me?

I want to know that I am safe sharing all of that. But, I am not. The kind of safe I want would allow for me to be open, honest, raw, exposed. I would know that no-one would judge me.  I would feel heard, valued, respected, and loved. I would know that your opinion of me would be positive. Oh, I could go on for days the extent of the definition of safe, in this situation...Well, it turns out that it really doesn't have to matter if I feel safe or not. My ego likes to feel safe. My spirit screams to be set free. The battle between the two has led me into my own prison. A prison built on a lie; that to be of value, I have to be  likable, acceptable, and different rules apply with different people...and on and on the restraints go. I feel shut in. I did it to myself. I passed judgement on people for  what I perceive their judgment of me would be. You know, like when you just know so and so thinks they are a better mother than you. (You can see it all over her face. Judgy little miss I am better than you! ) What if she's not thinking that, but rather you are feeling inadequate today (maybe you realized someone has on two shoes from different pairs, and there is a snot stain on your skirt from your sweet, teething, toddler.) Or what about when you feel like you should share something with someone, but they will think you have lost your mind....so you don't, and regret it. Sometimes resentment grows from here, and they never actually DID anything. It all happened in WHAT IF LAND or you know, your mind, thoughts, perspective...Another brick on your cell. See. NO good.  I don't thrive well in here. I want out. So, instead of fearing your judgments, I am going to be brave. I am asking for your love and support. I am asking for your words and ideas. Maybe if we are all a little brave, maybe, just maybe we can become examples to the world. That people of different beliefs, backgrounds, location, gender, and all of the other polarizing categories, can be unconditionally loving towards each other. That we can grow our consciousness, being aware of our actions and energies, and their effects on others. Watching love grow and expand between us and all whom we come into contact with (eventually, may as well have a BIG goal!).

I honestly do not care where you are on your path. I want to hear it. You are where you are for a purpose. Your struggles and successes will prepare you for your future. There is always a silver lining, some are just harder to see. Everything happens for a reason. There are many theories on this. Some believe we agree to our challenges before we are born. Some believe our challenges are payment for past karma or bad deeds that need settled (some add past lives to this grouping). Some say its because of the apple eaten in the Garden of Eden. There are a lot of theories and beliefs out there. I have barely scratched the surface on this research. Can you add to my knowledge? I would love it.

Thanks for reading, contributing and thinking with me.
Be well. Be you. Be love. Be you.

Hello! Its been a while....again. Things have changed...also, again.

Hello to my few remaining followers. I am back. And sorry. I have a lot of explaining to do. I will.

I do not consider myself so special as to assume I have any followers left who even remember that I exist in blog land...lol. If you are here its because you haven't purged your reader list or subscriptions. I am aware. I am not offended. I totally get it. I am holding space for any other reasons you may still be here as well.  Either way, I love you, and I have a lot of thoughts to share with you. Not sure it will be your cup of tea though. My entire take on home, life, world, universe, God, purpose and just about everything else, has shifted, and continues to shift. I'll get to that later. My point is, this blog may not be your jam. And that is ok.
Feel free to stay. Read. Comment. Share. Disagree. Agree. Discuss. Do all of those things, one, two, or more or feel free to leave. Really, its up to you. I will respect your choice. Promise. I do ask, if you stay, that you comment respectfully. All opinions, experiences, thoughts etc need to be shared in a loving way. Disagree. Share why, or what influenced you to feel that way. Share how you feel. Your perspective is valued here. Their are no wrong answers or ideas. They all matter. We just share from a positive light. We share to expand each others perspectives. Even if we disagree, we both (all) grow from seeing the situation from another persons heart felt, raw, unfiltered, truth. When we share in love, we share our lives, we grow in conscious awareness of another persons perspective, we begin to see how the other sees. Trust me, that is a good thing. Ill get to that too.
Okay, here goes nothing...or everything....we shall see! (I am excited! Are you?)

For those of you who stayed, or just arrived, or found this by mistake? (or other), Hi! When I finally started this blog, in 2012, I wanted a place to put my thoughts and feelings, and all the other stuff that makes up me, a life journal...yep, that is a good description. BUT, I struggle with my ego. My ego tells me that if I am honest and share my heart and soul, I will be hurting those I love. You know, people whose lives have affected (or effected, I cannot keep those two straight!) my life and therefore are part of my story. Yeah, those people. What if they read my ramblings, think, or know I am talking about them and BAM, now I've hurt their feelings, or maybe they think they have hurt mine!? I do not want that. Soooooo. I try to alter the truth, just enough that everything is vague to sunshine...instead of all the flavors in between. Those missing pieces are the ones I really want to document. I am documenting my growth. I grow by sharing and exchanging ideas with people who are open to the fact that life gets messy. I grow by hearing about your struggles, and successes. I grow from feeling angry, or hurt, or jealous, or sad. I grow when I can share my feelings and how I am learning that my perspective is often, dare I say always, different. I think we all have something to offer. I think we all have love inside us to share. I think the more we share, the closer to the truth we become. The less we share, the more isolated we feel. I think society makes us feel like having feelings is bad. Weak. Less and less people are sharing their truths. We stop growing in love. WE START US/THEM THINKING. We forget that our actions truly affect the lives of those around us. It starts a ripple effect(😕) We start identifying people by race, religion, country, gender, financial status, and on and on ∞. So.... my purpose here is to share my journey, and hold space for you to share yours, if you feel so inclined. Heavenly Father/God/Source/Universe/Creator of everything/Spirit (Big S, not little 😉) holding space for other names and ways of identifying , . All of them, I am learning have value. Not all teachings are correct for everyone, but all hold value. Even if you only learn that you do not believe the practice,ritual,beliefs,etc are true(to you), it still helps to understand the other perspectives, belief drives us, understanding another's beliefs helps you (well me for sure. You have to/get to decide for yourself🌻.) understand them! Really, truly, it does. The more I allow others to share with me from the listening to understand not judge, perspective! WOAH! Growth. Understanding you, changes me. I really don't think I am alone in this. Soooo.. ...... come on in....lets share our truths. Or you can just read mine and sit with it. Or whatever works for you. BUT I'd sure like you to interact. Cuz....sharing is caring.

In short, my views have expanded. I am making room in my heart, thoughts, soul for the endless possibilities this life has to offer. I am shedding my views that restrict my view. I am changing into a person who wants to practice unconditional love. I want to know you and have you know me. I want to be free to be me and hold my truths and still have space for you and yours. I want that with, and for as many people as possible. I want you to have that option too.
Want to join me on my journey and take me along on yours as you see fit? YAY! I have a few friends in mind to write up posts for us, sharing their souls and lives with us. If you want to as well, please let me know!

My Conclusions....

It has been a little over a year since my last post.

I was very angry.
I was very hurt.
I was full of unpleasant feelings.

I AM NOT ANY LONGER. I AM QUITE HAPPY WITH MY LIFE.


In the past year I have come to a few conclusions regarding the Foster Care system in my area (and maybe others?).

1 The system as in life, cannot be/feel fair to everyone. It always seems unfair to at least one party involved....
2 The system works for some. We should be grateful in those circumstances.
3 There are great caseworkers and horrible caseworkers and many in between.
4 Caseworkers are people. As such they are imperfect.
5 I am no longer wanting to be a Foster parent, my family has been put through the wringer. We are done.

Here's to a new chapter.......

A bit of clarity

KThe past month has been pretty turbulent around here.

Lots of changes, some welcomed, others; not so much. 

As I sit here in my living room, waiting for my hubby to come inside. ( clients seem to pop in at the oddest of times...) I find myself looking to the future.

I am uncertain what comes next. I feel hopeful. I truly feel blessed. 

Tomorrow my boys come back from camping with my parents for the family reunion. I am lucky to have parents nearby, who cherish time with their grand kids. It seems that a good time was had by all this weekend. The kids mingled with distant and not so distant relatives. They behaved like gentleman and screamed a bit like school girls, when trapped in the ladies room with a wild animal. They hiked and explored and best of all, they escaped my saddened behavior. I am glad I had time to process all of the madness before they came home. 

Tomorrow I pick them up. I can't wait for all of the stories. I am excited to have some time with just my boys. It has been a while. 

I'm excited to see what happens next in our lives.

 I believe Heavenly Fathers hand is on us and we will be guided in the right direction.

 

Apparently that WAS NOT lemonade.....

So there I was in a room with 8 other adults, who are supposed to be looking out for the best interest of the little dude I've been ranting about lately. I was tricked. To make this short and sweet, I poured my heart out, tears and all. I tried to make them see how much we love him. How much a part of our family he is. I offered a lot of alternatives to moving him. They were not moved. They said the decision wasn't concrete. They said they would discuss it and get back to me. After nearly two hours of listening to so called facts, about his case and difficulties, presented completely out of order. The time line was a mess. It was my word against that of the caseworker, whom I still believe was doing what she needed to, for reasons I don't want to speculate. It wouldn't change anything if I were to guess anyway. Suffice it to say that she and I did not recall many, if any of the details to fit the same time line. I do not pretend that the issues she mentioned, and I cannot for his privacy, were untrue. It's just mostly really old information that had been discussed with the proper channels and handled. Most of it was from 2012, and super old news. She presented it as if it had all happened recently. Anyway, a big, fat, mess. I don't see how poking the bear would make his life any easier so I took the high road as much as I could and calmly gave my own account of the facts in the time line I lived and she merely heard about. They thanked me for coming and told me they would be discussing it after I left. I went to talk to a friend at the agency and was bawling, and venting and saw them leave the meeting within minutes of my departure. They decided to go ahead with the move and gave me less than 48 hours notice. Nearly 16 months this child has lived with us. Longer than he has lived anywhere else in his life, and they gave him absolutely no time to transition from one home to the next. He will have little to no closure. His bond was severed with a jagged knife to the heart. This child who suffers from reactive attachment disorder (caused, in a nutshell, by not being able to trust, and rely on people for nurturing, love and support) had yet another family say they loved him, say he would always be welcomed in their home, promised that he would never be asked to leave, and it probably looks to him like he was lied to yet again. He is 5. That is not something he can grasp. His attachment disorder just got a little worse. He has no way of knowing how our hearts break for him. How sad we are. How much we really do love and want him. I'm so angry. I will not likely ever understand. And I'm grown. He's just a baby. I'm not sure what to do next. I have to heal a bit and get my feelings and emotions in check. It's not over.

Time for lemonade...

Hi again, it's me, the absent blogger.

Sooooooooo, here is an update on my last post:

It appears that the state is still trying to move "Earth" to a higher level of care home. I am still not happy about it. I have not given up the fight to keep him in my home.....
I have (with the help of my husband, my rock) come to the realization that the decision really isn't mine to make.  Indeed, I wish it were. So rather than throw in the towel, I am trying to see things from a less emotionally charged position. It is not easy to turn the "momma bear" off once that beast has been provoked. The truth is, he is a foster child, and not mine. I hope that changes one day, but for now, that is a fact. The cool part about him being a foster child is the fact that MANY people are available for consultation. I have called and emailed some of those people and ultimately, it has shall we say "encouraged" members of the local DHS office to see that maybe, just maybe, I have some good points to consider, PRIOR to making this decision to move him. The plan is still to move him. I just have gained a face to face meeting with the people responsible for his well being, to discuss my thoughts as well as for me to hear theirs. Will the outcome be a change in his plan? I sure hope so. If not, I have been told that there are other avenues to travel that may lead to his being left here. I hope this meeting ends in a satisfactory resolution. Time will tell. I will keep you all posted.

As for now, I am sitting on the back deck watching the kids play in the pool. It is nota nearly warm enough for it, if you asked me. The kids seem to think differently and are having a blast! Who am I to strap them from enjoying the last few days of summer, pretending it is warm is not the worst thing they could be up to.

We played a fun game of Monopoly, well we started it anyway. I think Monopoly is a really long game, maybe even "the game that never ends....(bwahahaha)" . It really doesn't matter, we are having a great time playing together, even if I got stuck being the dumb ole banker...... <<humph!>> I will beat them yet!  It is on, like Donkey Kong!

In other news,

The Dad, has been super busy with work. He is working nearly 7 days a week. I am grateful for such a dedicated, hard working husband and father to my children. He has taken the changes we have made in our home and adjusted so many things so we all can be comfortable. So if I don't say it enough. I think he is awesome. I am a very lucky woman to have him. I just hope he knows how special he is :0)

Wintertime! Brrrrrrrr. Ain't nobody got time for that.....

Oregon has pretty mild winters. I know this to be true when compared to other states freezing temperatures and blizzards et cetera. I'm still not liking this cold snap we have been enduring for a couple of weeks now. I mean brrrrrr, it's cold. Don't laugh, I am miserable. My toes and fingers just won't stay warm. It doesn't help that my hubby is working in our not-at-all-insulated shop. He's freezing, he'll deny it, but he is quite cold out there. He has a heater, and it is better than not having one, but it only heats a small area at a time. Anyway, I go out to visit him throughout the day and it is cold... Ok, I'm done whining....for now.


Time for a laugh.

30 Days of Thankfulness: Day 8

I am thankful for Pinterest.

I know, that's an odd one, right? I try not to spend too much time on Pinterest, but I get a lot of ideas from it. It is really a great resource. I glean fabulous tips and tricks for my home, school and just plain entertainment.

30 Days of Thankfulness: Day 7

I am thankful for my calling as a mother. 

I know I am lucky to have my biological children, so many people I know have not been able to conceive. I am saddened for them. That sadness only makes me appreciate what I have been given even more.

I am equally blessed in being chosen to be the temporary mom to all of our previous and current foster kids and those who will come in the future. One day I may even get to be an adoptive mom to one or more:0)

I feel incredibly lucky to be able to stay home with my children and home school them as well. 

I know that staying home with your children is not all that popular in today's world, but I count it as a blessing. I have not had to work outside of our home with the exception of a short stint, when my oldest was very young, to help earn what we needed to move into a bigger place that would allow me to have a daycare at home, which lead to us becoming a foster family...

 

God is in control. I am thankful.

30 Days of Thankfulness: Day 6

Today I am thankful for the freedoms we have as Americans. Although I may not agree with a lot of the political agendas shoved in our faces on election years, I am thankful to have the freedom to hear the thoughts of others and to voice mine as well.
I hear people say that these are trying times, and I agree. America is changing. Her people are changing. I think we are very blessed to be a part of this great democracy.
More importantly, I am thankful for the knowledge that our Heavenly Father is in control.

30 Days of : day 5

I am thankful for my dog. She loves without condition. She is my best friend. ;0)

30 Days of Thankfulness: Day 4

Today I am thankful for my home in the country.

We have so much fun without ever really needing to leave home.

30 Days of Thankfulness, Day 3

I am thankful for God's plan for salvation. I am a sinner, but I've been redeemed. I am thankful.

30 days of thankfulness, day 2

Today I am thankful for forgiveness and mercy.


I am thankful for the knowledge that I can make mistakes and repent and be forgiven. I am full of error. I make more mistakes in a day than I care to admit. I even deliberately, without much thought speak unkindly to or about someone far more often than I care to admit. I am grateful for a Creator, and heavenly father who knows my heart and is able to see me for who He would like me to be as well as who I am currently. I am thankful for His mercy and forgiveness.


I am thankful for the ability and desire to mirror Him to forgive and be merciful. I am nowhere near as merciful, but I try to be daily. I love that people can do unkind and hurtful things and with God's grace I can forgive them when asked, or be merciful and forgive them without them ever having to ask.

I am grateful for others forgiveness and mercy.


I am grateful for yours.... Thank you for allowing me to be fallible and flawed. Thank you for your ability to forgive. Heaven knows we all need it from time to time :0)

Day one: I am thankful

Today is the first day in the 30 days of thankfulness. I am going to try to blog about 30 reasons I have to be thankful. (I have many reasons, this is just a small selection of them:0)

Today I am thankful for my family.

I am thankful for life. A life provided my my parents. A life with much love. A life with many lessons all leading me to be the person I am today. I am grateful for their sacrifices, love, and commitment. I see more of my parents choices and words come from me almost daily.

I am thankful for my siblings. Although we are not as close as I'd like us to be, I know without a doubt, I can call on them in times of need and they will be here for me, as I would be for them. We have the kind of relationship that allows long periods of little communication without disruption of conversation and affection when we come together for a holiday. We have no lack of love for one another.

I am thankful for my immediate family whose love knows no limit. My husband, my best friend and confidant. I am thankful for our differences as well as our similarities. He sees me in a way no other person can. He knows my strengths and weaknesses and loves me inspite of them. I can count on his support when I need it. I can count on a formidable foe in the event of a disagreement, he loves to argue as much as I do. :0) I am lucky to live each day without worry of infidelity, or abuse, or an end to our love. I feel confident after nearly 15 years that he is the one God chose for me. I love him now more than I did then, and I was quite smitten in 1998.

I am thankful for my children. They are the mirror upon which I see my successes and shortcomings. They have the ability to infuriate me and make me laugh in a matter of seconds. They love like no other children I know. The oldest being a lot like me. Especially his lack of personality (desirable personality at least) in the morning. He is so much like me it is painful for us to be in the same room some mornings. After all, how many bears do you want around you? At the same time he has a big heart and is very entertaining. He is a fabulous artist and lover of people. He is sassy and sweet. He loves to make his dad and I proud and it cuts him to the core to displease us. The youngest is a spitfire. He can talk the ears off the lady at the checkout. He will have a room laughing in mere seconds. He has the energy that never ceases, especially verbal energy. He is known to bust out in song at random and unpredictable times. He would give the shirt off his back to bring a smile to most anyone's face. He lives to please. In the morning, he is a reflection of his father. WAY TOO HAPPY and Loud. He awakens full of energy and it lasts and lasts. I love the smiles on my boys' faces. I love to see the pride of a job well done in their eyes. They amaze me daily. I am thankful for my three boys :0)

I am thankful for my foster kids. The kids from the past, present and future. These kids are amazing. They come from varied unpleasant or undesirable backgrounds and they continue to live and love beyond what most people would think is possible. I am thankful for the lesson in resilience. I am thankful for the opportunity to show them love and guidance. I am thankful for their little hearts. I have learned much from them and I pray they come away from us a little richer too.

There you have it.... Join me tomorrow for day 2 of 30 days of thankful. Feel free to link up in the comments. I'd love to join you on your journey of thankfulness this month.

Another round of sickness...more missed events :0(

This past week has been another fan-stinkin-tastic one. It began with "Coco" and the fever and then slowly made its way through the whole crew. We are talking about some serious bouts with vomit, fever, snot, coughing and diarrhea. Yippee! I have bee incredibly busy. Yesterday it hit me. I am pushing through, kind of.
In the midst of the illness we had another child move in. He is 7 years old and has been asked to leave a lot of placements in the past nearly 2 years. I was leery about taking him in after the trio. They were hard kids, and I do not want to add to this little dudes trauma by not being able to handle him. The hubs and I talked about it, and decided that this is what we do. We take in the hard kids. Someone has to, why not us? So to all of my praying friends please keep us in your prayers. I am hopeful that we can make this his last placement before he moves home with his mom, (which I hear shouldn't be too very long).
As for the rest of us, we are adjusting to a slighly different pace. It is wonderful to have moments of quiet. I have missed that. "Earth" is regressing some. He really wants to be a baby like the "Princess" and"Curly". That has not been as fun as it might sound. A nearly five year old doing his business in his pants is NOT at all fun. I think he is done with that now. Let's hope :) "Coco" and "Baby B" are doing really well with the little kids. I think they needed a change of pace. The Dad is hiding out in the shop, or "working" a lot. LOL No, really he has been super busy playing catch up from our out of state last month. This sickness has seemingly skipped him.
I missed two of my nieces birthday parties this week. It doesn't help that they were so close together, but they didn't choose to be born on the same day. I feel bad. It seems like I miss a lot of family functions due to some illness or another. Some how the kids can't seem to let any sickness pass without taking it for a ride through our family. I can only hope that my family can understand.

Transition of the Trio...

This last week has been transition week for the trio. I have driven back and forth to the current home of the parent they will be living with. They have been super thrilled to have visits on a more regular basis. They are excited to be living with their birth family again. Their birth parent seems to have most of the ducks in a row. There is still a thing or two that would make me more comfortable if it was worked out, but it's not about me. It's about them, and the needs of their family.

 Right?

Its funny, (not funny~ haha, but funny~ different) how this transition feels compared with some of the others we have experienced.  Also funny, is how ready I am to let the kids go. I love them. I am ready to give them back to their family. These kids have been the hardest kids we have had in a very long time. I didn't realize just how much time they took to manage until they slept over with the parent and I had 3 toddlers and my birth 2 and the house was peaceful, and relaxed. I am a bit ready for that for a while.I will worry about them, and welcome them back, if the need arises. For now, I am ready for a change of pace.  Although, there is another kid in the system whom I would love to welcome to our family, and rumor has it, this little one may be looking to be moved from the current placement. Pray they ask us to take this one in! Or that I get to keep contact with the child.

Do you have any questions about the transition process? Foster parenting? Other? Please leave a comment and I will answer to the best of my experience and ability.

Our adventure and the new additions....

Sorry once again for my lack of posting. The past couple of weeks have been full of spontaneous adventure, leading my family across 5 states, to and fro, in eight days! We had a great time visiting with family we have not seen in over a decade. My boys met their Wisconsin grandma for the first time. We rescued our niece from a bad situation. She has come to stay with us. Life is good. As usually, BUSY, but good.

After returning from our trip I received a call from DHS asking our family to take in two more kiddos. How could I say no? These two are really sweet, loud, a little mean (mostly to each other) and absolutely adorable. They are a boy, age 2 and his sister, age 3. Of course neither of them is potty trained, so back to diapers for me! Oh well, it is totally worth it. They are that much fun. I admit it, I LOVE toddlers.

So, lets recap our household for new readers... In order of residence in our home.
My wonderful, hard working, self employed, husband and all around plaything and father.
Me, otherwise known as "mom" or in our house more often referred to as "MOMBA" Don't ask, I don't know exactly how that one morphed.... lol
Our oldest biological son, "Coco"(12).
Our youngest bio son, "Baby~B"(9) .
The trio... 2 boys, 1 girl. who we shall call "Rock Brain" (6), "Space Invader"(3), and" Nosy  Nelly"(8)
Our Niece, (young adult) Sasha.
The only child, boy,  "Earth.Wind, Fire" (4)
The newest two girl(3) "the princess" and her brother (2) "Curly"

Yep, that makes 11 people in our home. I'm loving it!

The "Softer Side" (of Sears)

It's funny to me how often I am asked for advice on parenting difficult children.
I certainly do not feel like a stellar example of grace, poise, patients, forgiveness, and all of the other qualities a mother should be. I am flawed. Seriously flawed even.
I lovey kids. I love my foster kids. I try to love without prejudice. I try to look past the behavior and see the heart of the child. Some days I feel pretty successful, other days....not so much. Some days I am to harsh. To hurried. To self-righteous. Sometimes I find that I have spent more of the day disciplining (you know, timeouts, lectures,chores, etc) behaviors that maybe should've been looked at from a different angle or overlooked altogether. Behaviors that maybe don't mean what any person initially would think. Maybe I could've praised the good choices more and paid less attention to the not-so-wonderful choices.
That is where I am today. Feeling a bit guilty and ashamed of some of the harsher judgements and consequences and lack of praise and understanding. That is where my dear hubby has been known to call "the softer side of sears" time to step back and let them learn love, trust, and gentleness. I pray that Heavenly Father will give me the patience and understanding needed.

I will leave you with a few little laughs. They are so funny because they are true... Not the way we should think, but often how we do think.... (Do you like how I said "WE" when in fact I am speakiming of me.....?)
Sorry the graphics are goofy, I took them from Facebook and put them on here from my phone.....

What a fabulous day!

Today was a great day. The sun was shining the kids were playing nicely together, the hubby and I enjoyed the afternoon chillin on the porch watching the kids and talking. We bought a nice three lane slip-n-slide, it was an instant hit with the kids. They played so hard that a couple of them were begging to go to bed at 7pm! Good times were had by all.
We finished the day by cleaning up around the property and slapping a bit of paint where it was needed. I feel pretty good about this day! Smiles :0)