Free yourself from unnecessary negative thinking, its worth it! (IMO)

The purpose of this blog has been through a few changes since the first post. I am treating it as a life journal, sort of. I am not a polished writer. I love to tell stories and do so pretty well in person, most of the time. In writing, I am never sure how my words will be received.

If , Nah, WHEN my words get scattered and disorganized, remember I am trying to illustrate my process. How i get from a place of judgment to a place of love and understanding and non judgement. My process is messy. I circle round and round refining my thoughts until I am satisfied with my new found conscious actions and no longer reliant on subconscious reactions. I am trying to show some of my areas of unconscious and conscious judgement that I have had to look deeply at, process (Does it fit still? Did it ever fit? Do I even want to carry this as mine? Why did/do I feel like this is a good choice? Do I choose this behavior or do it from habit or practice?  Does this limit my view or expand it? Am I leaving room for another persons thoughts/ideas? Does this make me feel any particular way? If so, how do I feel, do I like it? Does it hurt someone? Does it lift me or others up? Is it healthy? Codependent? Loving? etc) I am trying to illustrate my process and hoping that my words will inspire me to keep searching and evaluation my life and how I live it.

 I have a huge life goal. Its complicated and yet seemingly simple. I want to be unconditionally loving towards all. I want to be free to be me, and free to love you exactly as you are. I don't see this as a task I can accomplish in any set period of time, but one to continually be working on for the rest of my life. There will always be room for improvement. There will always be another layer of conditions, carelessly, subconsciously placed on those I want to love unconditionally. I think this is true for most people. I think most of us have things that we can do to be more loving. We need to love others and ourselves with a lot less restrictions.

I've shared a couple of stories that show some areas of my past, conditionally loving nature. I have carried a lot of hate, and lived it too. The thing is, I wasn't aware that, that was what I was doing. It was subconscious. A part of who I was. A product of my life choices and chances. Some lessons are taught to us over the years, and serve us well. Some serve to protect some aspect of us that needs protecting (usually ego rooted self esteem, survival skill) I am not judging you for yours. I'm hoping you won't judge me either. But if you do, that is ok. I am working on accepting your judgement as a reflection of you, not me. We are mirrors to each other. My feelings about you and your life mirror my strengths and weaknesses. When you make me angry, I get to look deep inside and discover why? Is it intentional, or a reaction? Is it fair? Can I ask you questions and have you help me find out if I truly need to be angry or is there a more compassionate way to feel? You can do it too! Its a beautiful thing. 

Unconsciousness in behavior, (including feelings, actions, and more) to me,  is an act that we have not been made aware of. Its a natural instinct. Its a product of life's unpleasant lessons, quite possibly even lessons that we have not finished learning.  An example of that would be learning not to trust because we trusted people who didn't handle it with the care we would've liked. The next time we trust, its a little harder. The more we see people mishandle our trust, the more we grow our reasons not to trust the next person. 

Overtime, we have taught ourselves that people can't be trusted. Now maybe we feel alone. Now we look at our significant relationships and put them through the trustworthiness filter that we have developed from people abusing our trust. Maybe they pass, probably they don't. Our filter is full of hurt, sadness, failed relationships, and pain. Our filter is full of other people failing us. Our filter is full of things we know see as a precursor to mishandled trust.  Our filter is crap. 💩(In my opinion)

How do we fix our filter? How do we learn to trust? Who is responsible for that effort? Who is responsible for cleaning the garbage from our perspective? 

When we choose to look at our limiting perspective and evaluate its value, we can choose to keep it or re-frame it. We can say..."Wow, that was rude, and judgy! Not cool. I don't need to judge him by his appearance. I should be celebrating his comfort in his skin, now that is worth feeding!!" Or something like that. Identify the rub, evaluate its worth and re-frame your words to fit your truth. Its funny how many times a day I still get to do this. At first if felt bad, pointing out my may flaws. I really liked believing I was not judgmental and was very kind and loving....WRONG! It was in my face all day, errryday! Its still is, but now I am excited to see some knew way that I can make my heart open to love. I know it might sound silly to you, and that is perfectly ok. I really love looking for ways to grow my perspective, my views, my beliefs, my understanding, and my filter is getting better and better. It feels amazing! I have much more up days than down. I'm even learning how to apply those same loving skills to myself and the people closest to me. It has been liberating!!!

 When we turn to a perspective that encourages us to step out and be brave. When we choose to heal from past hurt, we can see that we are putting our pain, from past experiences, onto people who were not even there when the hurt infiltrated our filter.

 EXAMPLE:
  Getting mad at your SO for not seeing them get you a birthday gift, because past SO always (probably an exaggeration, unless you've only had one SO or ..???) Stewing on the possibility of them forgetting. Then acting grumpy because you know its gonna be like all the other birthdays where you felt unloved, forgotten, unimportant, pushed aside, neglected or something similar... Now your being Snarky at home. Maybe your even short tempered. Maybe your mumbling under your breathe about it. Maybe you sit silently, peering at them from the corner of your eye, watching to see if they are even thinking about you. OR YOUR FEELINGS.......

See, not fair. They shouldn't be held down by the actions of others. You have to change your mindset, or your behavior changes to match the words that run on a loop in your head. Or, at least that's how it happens with me, and quite a few other people I know, you can totally be different😉

Allowing ourselves to forgive each time and more forward in life with an unclogged filter, allows us to freely love and accept people for who they are. It allows us to trust that people do the best they can with what they have. I believe a lot of pain and heartache, and mistrust, and anger etc stem from misunderstandings or misdirected creation/manifestation by focusing on the worst instead of the best... I have seen evidences in my life and I wonder if you look at yours if you will see that as well.......

Conscious behavior has intent behind it. We are aware of what we are thinking and feeling and we know why! We choose our behavior from this awareness!!! We know we are coming from a place of love and understanding. We are allowing love to run freely from us to others. We are welcoming. We are kind. And when we are not, we are aware.We choose this tool and use it with compassion,, and love for ourselves and others. We are setting boundaries to protect ourselves, but not to limit. We are looking for ways to expand ourselves and our life. We are free to move about in love. We are able to trust and be trusted. We are respectful of others and allow them to live as they see fit, and know that, that is the most loving thing we can do. For ourselves, and for the people we come into contact with. 

I choose to look for unconscious choices and filters and turn them into conscious! Who is with me?

Be well. Be you. Be LOVE. Be awakened to your unconscious behavior!

Please comment and share your thoughts and ideas.👻💫

Finding the Lesson in the Struggle

Life is the journey. We are here for a purpose. Challenges plague us all. We look at the world through the lenses of our experiences. No two people ever have the same experiences or take away from them. Perspective is an individual thing. A practical example is color. Have you ever looked at the sky or a photo and seen the most beautiful blue green, then showed the same thing to someone else and they claim its sea foam, and yet another sees turquoise, and another only sees blue? Varying perceptions of the same color. Why is that? Our eyes are as individual as we are. All of our experiences are individual, even if they happen in a group setting.

What about triggers. The word used to describe an uncontrollable (or uncontrolled, unconscious) emotional and/or physical reaction, manifesting from your psyche. There are as many ways to be triggered as their are actions. Some are triggered by words. (raises her hand) some are triggered by noise, some by smell, some by color, some by memory, some by feelings of being unsafe, and on and on for infinity. Trigger as a word, has become a trigger. seriously, words can be damaging. They can also be uplifting. I don't see how to hold one truth, without leaving space for the other.

Preconceived judgement, that is damaging too. This one is a bit self inflicted, making it harder to see the way out from the trigger. A lot of us live in this space. Things like, I am too fat to be a public speaker. People will not respect me, because I am too fat and obviously that makes me weak in their eyes. So, instead of giving a talk, that could help people,  you stay in. Maybe you beat yourself up for over eating. Maybe you starve yourself as a punishment. Maybe you sit and hate on the people you think would judge you. Maybe all of your emotions try to surface, so you eat a box of donuts. Maybe you shut down, and belittle yourself in your mind. Maybe you get mad, and yell at all the wrong people for all the wrong reasons. No matter the choice or method of self deprivation. You are not helping yourself, or anyone else by letting your mind tell you how people may react, and only considering the negative effects. What if instead, you focused on your speech. You listened to your spirit and followed through in a brave attempt to bring peace to someone else? What if you got to see the light come on behind someones eyes, because your words had such a profound effect on them. What if your friends were actually proud of you, for stepping out of your comfort zone? Aren't those likely outcomes too?

I have noticed a pattern in American society (i doubt its limited to us though). We tend to gravitate to the negative more easily than the positive. Why? When something we don't like or understand happens, why do we look for a place for blame, and rarely within ourselves? It feels like if something happens, it is perfectly acceptable to us if we can take the blame from ourselves and put it on another. I am not sure that is the best way to handle our struggles. Yes, sometimes things happen through no fault of our own. Do we need to be a victim? Do we need to feel powerless? I think not. You can hold your truth here too. Mine is mine, yours is yours, but if you share your perspective with me, I am sure we both will grow in compassion, love, understanding, and perspective.

Uncomfortable events are happening to us and all around us. So how do we fix our eyes on the good? How do we leave the victim mentality behind? For me, something that has helped, is looking for the silver lining. Straight away, think, what can I learn from this and be a better person because of it? If I am afraid to speak, I shut my own worth down. I have devalued myself. And I might just hold someone else responsible for making me feel this way. More often than not, I would be doing myself a disservice by reacting this way. Now that I am aware of it. I have a new idea. I have a new approach. I want to share it with you. Maybe you will find value in it. Maybe you will think I have lost my mind, maybe something in between. I may never know. And I have decided to be sad about that, but ok with it. I'm sad because I want your ideas. That is all.

My new approach is to look at my own thoughts, and see what they are telling me. Am I projecting my fears or has someone actually said or done something with the intention of causing this negitive feeling inside of me? If I think they have, I ask. I say "When you said 'blah, blah, blah' i took it to me that you think I am not a good choice for this because I am 'whatever I feel they meant', is that what you were trying to say?" I ask clarifying questions, and tell them what I think they mean. I am usually wrong. I am way harder on myself than anyone has ever confessed to. I also know that people lie. That is ok too. I prefer the truth, but we all modify it to be more easily digested. Its ok to do that. We have to be comfortable with ourselves in order to be comfortable with others. So keeping your words kind, when you are angry, feels like a lie. BUT, when we react from a loving place, without condemnation or fear, or judgement, wow! miracles happen there!! Another helpful thing for me is the knowledge that people really do the best they can within their set of skills. We all have different strengths and therefore weaknesses too. Judgement is a door shutter. I want to be a door opener. I am working through my judgments, so I can see the beauty in everything. Its gonna take a while, but I am confident that it will be worth it.

I am sure Ill get more into this later. If any interest is shown, or if I feel the pull of Spirit to share more. Trust me when I say sharing is hard, but I think it helps too.

Thank you for reading and hopefully adding your thoughts, ideas, questions etc.

Be well. Be You. Be love. Beautiful.

Escaping my Prison, Join me?

Hello! I hope this post finds you all feeling well, happy, loved, and  so much more! Why limit the love?!!!

I am finding it hard to start writing this. I really want to pour my heart into this. I want to show all of my strengths and talents and flaws and shortcomings(trust me, there are many!). That is what I want to do. I want to paint you a picture, a portal to my soul. When you read my words I want you to feel like you really know me, because you will. I want to hold nothing loving back. I only want to use my ego as a tool to remind me to take care of myself. I don't want to feel like my ego is putting my light out. You feel me?

I want to know that I am safe sharing all of that. But, I am not. The kind of safe I want would allow for me to be open, honest, raw, exposed. I would know that no-one would judge me.  I would feel heard, valued, respected, and loved. I would know that your opinion of me would be positive. Oh, I could go on for days the extent of the definition of safe, in this situation...Well, it turns out that it really doesn't have to matter if I feel safe or not. My ego likes to feel safe. My spirit screams to be set free. The battle between the two has led me into my own prison. A prison built on a lie; that to be of value, I have to be  likable, acceptable, and different rules apply with different people...and on and on the restraints go. I feel shut in. I did it to myself. I passed judgement on people for  what I perceive their judgment of me would be. You know, like when you just know so and so thinks they are a better mother than you. (You can see it all over her face. Judgy little miss I am better than you! ) What if she's not thinking that, but rather you are feeling inadequate today (maybe you realized someone has on two shoes from different pairs, and there is a snot stain on your skirt from your sweet, teething, toddler.) Or what about when you feel like you should share something with someone, but they will think you have lost your mind....so you don't, and regret it. Sometimes resentment grows from here, and they never actually DID anything. It all happened in WHAT IF LAND or you know, your mind, thoughts, perspective...Another brick on your cell. See. NO good.  I don't thrive well in here. I want out. So, instead of fearing your judgments, I am going to be brave. I am asking for your love and support. I am asking for your words and ideas. Maybe if we are all a little brave, maybe, just maybe we can become examples to the world. That people of different beliefs, backgrounds, location, gender, and all of the other polarizing categories, can be unconditionally loving towards each other. That we can grow our consciousness, being aware of our actions and energies, and their effects on others. Watching love grow and expand between us and all whom we come into contact with (eventually, may as well have a BIG goal!).

I honestly do not care where you are on your path. I want to hear it. You are where you are for a purpose. Your struggles and successes will prepare you for your future. There is always a silver lining, some are just harder to see. Everything happens for a reason. There are many theories on this. Some believe we agree to our challenges before we are born. Some believe our challenges are payment for past karma or bad deeds that need settled (some add past lives to this grouping). Some say its because of the apple eaten in the Garden of Eden. There are a lot of theories and beliefs out there. I have barely scratched the surface on this research. Can you add to my knowledge? I would love it.

Thanks for reading, contributing and thinking with me.
Be well. Be you. Be love. Be you.

Hello! Its been a while....again. Things have changed...also, again.

Hello to my few remaining followers. I am back. And sorry. I have a lot of explaining to do. I will.

I do not consider myself so special as to assume I have any followers left who even remember that I exist in blog land...lol. If you are here its because you haven't purged your reader list or subscriptions. I am aware. I am not offended. I totally get it. I am holding space for any other reasons you may still be here as well.  Either way, I love you, and I have a lot of thoughts to share with you. Not sure it will be your cup of tea though. My entire take on home, life, world, universe, God, purpose and just about everything else, has shifted, and continues to shift. I'll get to that later. My point is, this blog may not be your jam. And that is ok.
Feel free to stay. Read. Comment. Share. Disagree. Agree. Discuss. Do all of those things, one, two, or more or feel free to leave. Really, its up to you. I will respect your choice. Promise. I do ask, if you stay, that you comment respectfully. All opinions, experiences, thoughts etc need to be shared in a loving way. Disagree. Share why, or what influenced you to feel that way. Share how you feel. Your perspective is valued here. Their are no wrong answers or ideas. They all matter. We just share from a positive light. We share to expand each others perspectives. Even if we disagree, we both (all) grow from seeing the situation from another persons heart felt, raw, unfiltered, truth. When we share in love, we share our lives, we grow in conscious awareness of another persons perspective, we begin to see how the other sees. Trust me, that is a good thing. Ill get to that too.
Okay, here goes nothing...or everything....we shall see! (I am excited! Are you?)

For those of you who stayed, or just arrived, or found this by mistake? (or other), Hi! When I finally started this blog, in 2012, I wanted a place to put my thoughts and feelings, and all the other stuff that makes up me, a life journal...yep, that is a good description. BUT, I struggle with my ego. My ego tells me that if I am honest and share my heart and soul, I will be hurting those I love. You know, people whose lives have affected (or effected, I cannot keep those two straight!) my life and therefore are part of my story. Yeah, those people. What if they read my ramblings, think, or know I am talking about them and BAM, now I've hurt their feelings, or maybe they think they have hurt mine!? I do not want that. Soooooo. I try to alter the truth, just enough that everything is vague to sunshine...instead of all the flavors in between. Those missing pieces are the ones I really want to document. I am documenting my growth. I grow by sharing and exchanging ideas with people who are open to the fact that life gets messy. I grow by hearing about your struggles, and successes. I grow from feeling angry, or hurt, or jealous, or sad. I grow when I can share my feelings and how I am learning that my perspective is often, dare I say always, different. I think we all have something to offer. I think we all have love inside us to share. I think the more we share, the closer to the truth we become. The less we share, the more isolated we feel. I think society makes us feel like having feelings is bad. Weak. Less and less people are sharing their truths. We stop growing in love. WE START US/THEM THINKING. We forget that our actions truly affect the lives of those around us. It starts a ripple effect(😕) We start identifying people by race, religion, country, gender, financial status, and on and on ∞. So.... my purpose here is to share my journey, and hold space for you to share yours, if you feel so inclined. Heavenly Father/God/Source/Universe/Creator of everything/Spirit (Big S, not little 😉) holding space for other names and ways of identifying , . All of them, I am learning have value. Not all teachings are correct for everyone, but all hold value. Even if you only learn that you do not believe the practice,ritual,beliefs,etc are true(to you), it still helps to understand the other perspectives, belief drives us, understanding another's beliefs helps you (well me for sure. You have to/get to decide for yourself🌻.) understand them! Really, truly, it does. The more I allow others to share with me from the listening to understand not judge, perspective! WOAH! Growth. Understanding you, changes me. I really don't think I am alone in this. Soooo.. ...... come on in....lets share our truths. Or you can just read mine and sit with it. Or whatever works for you. BUT I'd sure like you to interact. Cuz....sharing is caring.

In short, my views have expanded. I am making room in my heart, thoughts, soul for the endless possibilities this life has to offer. I am shedding my views that restrict my view. I am changing into a person who wants to practice unconditional love. I want to know you and have you know me. I want to be free to be me and hold my truths and still have space for you and yours. I want that with, and for as many people as possible. I want you to have that option too.
Want to join me on my journey and take me along on yours as you see fit? YAY! I have a few friends in mind to write up posts for us, sharing their souls and lives with us. If you want to as well, please let me know!

Time for lemonade...

Hi again, it's me, the absent blogger.

Sooooooooo, here is an update on my last post:

It appears that the state is still trying to move "Earth" to a higher level of care home. I am still not happy about it. I have not given up the fight to keep him in my home.....
I have (with the help of my husband, my rock) come to the realization that the decision really isn't mine to make.  Indeed, I wish it were. So rather than throw in the towel, I am trying to see things from a less emotionally charged position. It is not easy to turn the "momma bear" off once that beast has been provoked. The truth is, he is a foster child, and not mine. I hope that changes one day, but for now, that is a fact. The cool part about him being a foster child is the fact that MANY people are available for consultation. I have called and emailed some of those people and ultimately, it has shall we say "encouraged" members of the local DHS office to see that maybe, just maybe, I have some good points to consider, PRIOR to making this decision to move him. The plan is still to move him. I just have gained a face to face meeting with the people responsible for his well being, to discuss my thoughts as well as for me to hear theirs. Will the outcome be a change in his plan? I sure hope so. If not, I have been told that there are other avenues to travel that may lead to his being left here. I hope this meeting ends in a satisfactory resolution. Time will tell. I will keep you all posted.

As for now, I am sitting on the back deck watching the kids play in the pool. It is nota nearly warm enough for it, if you asked me. The kids seem to think differently and are having a blast! Who am I to strap them from enjoying the last few days of summer, pretending it is warm is not the worst thing they could be up to.

We played a fun game of Monopoly, well we started it anyway. I think Monopoly is a really long game, maybe even "the game that never ends....(bwahahaha)" . It really doesn't matter, we are having a great time playing together, even if I got stuck being the dumb ole banker...... <<humph!>> I will beat them yet!  It is on, like Donkey Kong!

In other news,

The Dad, has been super busy with work. He is working nearly 7 days a week. I am grateful for such a dedicated, hard working husband and father to my children. He has taken the changes we have made in our home and adjusted so many things so we all can be comfortable. So if I don't say it enough. I think he is awesome. I am a very lucky woman to have him. I just hope he knows how special he is :0)

When the world gives you Lemons, vent on your blog!!!!?!!!!...Or is that just me?

Picture credit

I know I am not the best blogger in the history of the world. I am fickle with my commitment  to blog about things I feel are important, or just need to get off my mind. I want to be better about it, I have drank enough excuse water over the years, I should pretty well be immune at this point. I'm not. I have a lot of reasons to NOT post whats on my mind. I am whittling away at them :0) Pride, Fear, Anxiety of being judged or misunderstood (Or BOTH!). I guess, mostly, fear sums it up. I am a yellow bellied, sap sucker... drowning in fear and excuse water....

NOT COOOOOL.

So much has happened since my last post. Heck its been seven months, that is an awful lot of catching up, I have to do.

To summarize;
Kids moved in and out, ALL SORTS OF MONKEY BUSINESS happened in between :) (I will work on filling in the missing stories over time, if I remember, I hope....)

So that brings us to the present....Sort of.

So, here I am sitting at the table waiting for the least supportive, least reliable, most obnoxious (due to an overwhelmingly insincere, ridiculously upbeat, cotton candy shooting, not forthcoming, less than honest, email and phone call avoiding, non communicating, less than helpful, persona) caseworker in the entirety of our foster parenting life, which is in the neighborhood of 9 years. She has my boy. Nope not Dakota or Brady, there isn't a snowballs chance in Hell, I'd let her (nor would Jason for that matter) get her paws on those two :0) She has our little guy, "Earth"  She took him, with less than 48 hours notice, to Tigard to meet with a potential foster placement. Yep. She is trying to move him. Not just to another foster home, but to a foster home for kids with severe difficulties behaviorally or otherwise. Yes, he is a challenging kid. Yes he has RAD. Yes, he requires a lot of supervision and attention. No, she has not acknowledged that in the 15 months he has lived here. Well, she has verbally acknowledged it, but not in any tangible way. She has not got him a Child and Adolescent Needs and Strengths assessment. I have asked numerous time for one. And, that is a BIG one. Maybe even the most important. Not to mention acting like he didn't have any "real" issues. Oh, yeah, she also didn't even tell me the results of his psych eval, even the diagnosis of RAD and PTSD were not shared until June. The evaluation was done in October.......
*******side note: For those who are unfamiliar, Oregon (and likely other states), has this assessment for ALL foster children to determine what level of supervision and mental health care etc a child needs to be at. This assessment gets foster parents more than just extra money for the kids, it also gets a lot of extra services, like therapy, skills training, training for the foster parent, extra help in school and/or other social settings, and a lot of other really helpful tools.*******
I have begged for a new therapist, because his triggers him to some really unpleasant behaviors. Even his therapist agreed to the transfer and because of that he has not had therapy since before Christmas (i think). He did finally get a skills trainer last month! YEAH!!! That has been going well. And he was referred to a group called Mid Valley WRAP, they do all sorts of wonderful things for kids. They are great at getting a lot of those services I mentioned before. Sometimes they are overwhelming, but it's worth it because they help bring about results! They help keep everyone involved and on the same page :0)
She finally starts to move in the right direction for him (oh, and they are moving to termination too! That means he will be free for adoption, and we want him. She knows that! ) and what does she do? She shifts gears and doesn't let any of the new services have a chance to work and decides to place him in a residential/or BRC (I cant remember the letters, or there meaning. My mind went full duhhhhhh mode when she was telling me. It's hard to listen and comprehend when all you feel is your heart breaking, your blood rushing to all areas of your body and you have to remind yourself not to speak, knowing that nothing you say will make sense or be civil :) ) home or some other such, NOT STAYING WITH US sort of placement. Oh and she does all of this without even asking what our thoughts are. Ok, soooooo, I don't seem to be able to be even close to kind right now. She has him, right now, at a "meet and greet" with some other family in the Portland area, letting them decide if they like him and want to take him in for an unidentified period of time from 30 days to a year or so, to help get diagnostics and blah, blah, blah.....<<<<<WHAT>>>> He has attachment issues and she/they want to sever the attachment formed here, act like he is SOOOOOOOO hard to handle (even though she/they did not even give us the ability to use the basic tools ALL foster kids are supposed to have available tooo them) and see if this new family, this home of strangers, these people who, to him, will be the ones who took him from us, or we will be the ones who abandoned him yet again, cuz he hasn't had enough of that is his life. Even though he has lived with us longer than he has lived ANYWHERE IN HIS LIFE!!!!!! And that is all to help him work with his attachment/bonding difficulties...*****HUH?****

(((((((I ma choosing to lay blame with the Caseworker, I know she is responsible for a lot of the crap we are and have been dealing with, I also know other people have to be involved and she probably has to snow others into believing her version of the facts before this can happen. Although, the ones (DHS STAFF) I have been able to speak with, seem to be sitting on the fence or see things similarly to how I do. Even the fence sitters think its worth letting us have a go with all these new services and keep him in his home, here, with us, aka his family....)))))))))


I will post again when I know more.....
Please feel free to pray for us. We could use it. Specifically, please pray that we are able to help with and accept Heavenly Father's plan for our family and this child...... I truly appreciate it.

What about you, Parenting advice you didn't ask for:0) When they won't get ready for school...

Have you ever had a foster kid who fights you on EVERYTHING? It feels like that, at times. There is a reason for it. You may NEVER know that reason. What you can know is, what you will do to deal with the behavior. I am about to tell you what I do in the "Won't get ready for school" situation. I give the child an hour to get ready. I check on them every 15 minutes and announce "we have to leave in ~~~ minutes, and we will leave on time." 

I believe it is important to say that in the most positive, sunshiny voice you can muster. (If you know me, you know that I am not a morning person. Sunshine nor sweetness exude from my personality naturally in the morning.) Then be prepared to take said child to school, in their pj's, hair messy, no socks, teeth un-brushed, rotten spirited, etc. I have found it works really well when the teacher and principal are aware of the plan. They tend to be supportive (in my experience). It will not likely be pretty the first time. Remember, they likely have no reason to believe you will follow through, until you do.
It is really embarrassing dropping a kid off looking a mess. Remember, it is your job to provide them with the time, skills, and necessary items to be prepared, NOT to bathe and dress them. The shame and embarrassment belong to them. I remind them as they exit the vehicle that I love them and I hope they have a great day, just like I would any other day.

This is pretty effective.

Does that mean the kids gets ready for school easily every day there after? NOPE! It means I have successfully handed over the responsibility to them. I have made one more fight go away. They choose shame or  pride. They choose!!! They own it. It is not my fight!!!! Whoo hoo! And it doesn't hurt that the kids at school will likely tease them and motivate them to get ready the next day.

If they get teased a bit, you get the opportunity to bond with them by comforting them, all the while reinforcing their choices. I like to say that I love them enough to teach them right from wrong, and allow them to choose. Be prepared to be sweet, and loving,  while NOT taking the burden of their choice. They get to own it. Be genuine. It's ok to hurt for them a bit, after all, we want what is best for them.

"Well silly, I love you and I think you look a little goofy in your pajama top and that skirt too. Look in the mirror. Do you think you look funny or do other kids dress like that at school?"

"I'm sorry you were teased. I wonder if there is anything you can do differently in the future to make your hair less silly looking to the kids at school?"

"Oh, that sounds like a rough day. I wonder what would happen if you chose to get all the way ready tomorrow?"

"I'm sorry she hurt your feelings. Do you think your breath smelled like a trash can because you chose not to brush your teeth before school? I know I don't like people with yuck mouth to talk close to my nose, do you?"

"Well, would you think a kid in their pj's at school looked silly? It's not nice to tease people, but I kinda understand why they were giggling. Do you?"

You get the idea.....

What about you? How do you deal with a child not getting ready for school in a timely manner? Please share. Feel free to comment or link back to your own blog. Just remember to keep it clean and friendly.

When life gets busy...

Hi!

I don't mean to have been absent for so long. One of the perks of being a mom and foster mom is that life gets super busy at times. I feel like I have been running around like a chicken with it's head cut off! LOL~ too graphic? hmm, maybe :0)

In the past few days I have been swamped with doctors appointments, visits from a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) worker, no school days. valentines day, Skating trip with my crew and my sister's crew, out of control whining from two kiddos, three kids waking up at ALL hours of the night, one who can't seem to fall asleep before 2 a.m.and wakes again by 5(!), bickering like no other, 2 puppies chewing and peeing on everything, visit schedule changes and biological parents canceling visits after we have arrived at the visit location, three heartbroken kiddos who don't understand why their dad stopped coming to visits about 3 weeks ago, and mom has been late or a no show for 4 of the last 5 visits. But hey, I should make time for my blog. After all, I want more readers..... (on a side note, thank goodness for my mom and dad allowing the kids to spend a couple of nights with them!!! Each of our boys get 2 nights alone and our foster kids are getting to spend their first weekend with them! Thank you mom and dad!)

 I am sorry for those who have missed me.I think that is the point of my post today. As a foster parent, I find myself being sorry for missing a lot of things, birthday parties, outings, family gatherings, time for phone calls, etc. Choosing to be a parent AND a foster parent as well as a wife and home educator, or any of many other hats we moms can wear, can be taxing on our spare time. We have to make choices and prioritize things in our life that we wouldn't have to otherwise and sometimes the kids make the decisions for us. Sometimes the house stay a little (or A LOT) messier than we would like. Some relationships suffer our silence for a while. Some sleep is lost, never to be found again, or at least it feels that way. Our days are not our own. We are not our priority, we must give of ourselves in order to bless our family and foster children, (even if we don't feel like it today!) Someone once told me that "we can't please EVERYONE, ALL of the time." So we have to do what is right for those in our homes first.... Some events will be missed. Some feelings will be hurt. In the end, we will have served our husbands, and children well. Our children and  foster children will have memories of our loving and secure homes. They will look back on time spent in our homes and know they were important, loved and cherished. Most likely none of them will remember the week you were too exhausted to mop the kitchen. They will remember feeling comforted when they were hurt, felt scared. sad or angry. They will remember being listened to and hugged.  They will have fond memories of safety and laughter, love and protection. Or at least that is what I hope they take away from our sacrifices made for their well being.

What do you think our kids and foster kids will remember? What do you want them to look back on as adults? Do you miss things for the benefit of your family? Chime in! I'd love to hear from you.

What about you, Parenting advice you didn't ask for:0) Attention seeking.

What do you do when your child makes a lot of choices knowing full well they are against the rules? What about the child who notices all of those choices and suddenly becomes a saint who can't seem to do enough chores and/or gifts of service for mom and dad? What if they are foster children? What if they are adopted? What if they are your biological children? Does any of that change your perspective or corrective action?

The following (as with all of my posts) is my opinion based on my life experiences. :0)

I can only talk about my own experiences and they are limited to being raised in a two parent home, living as a two parent family with biological sons and foster children who change fairly frequently, aunt to 7 adopted foster children, an only child niece, 8 years as a childcare provider and friend to a few other family scenarios. So I am limited, very limited. Also, I am fairly conservative. I don't buy into the whole idea that children need to be protected from failure, natural consequences,  emotional pain (not to be confused with abuse) or other things I consider facts of life. I believe children (and adults) benefit from getting through the tough stuff. Eventually :o)

I believe children from different backgrounds implement attention seeking tactics for different reasons, and therefore should be handled differently. A child who has lived in an abusive, neglectful, violent, unstable or other wise unsafe home, resulting in being placed in foster care, should not be disciplined in the same fashion as a child born to you, living with you (a loving mom and dad), in a safe environment. If we agree so far...

Christmas with foster children....

It's the most wonderful time of the year! The weather turns cold, snow begins to fall (even if only off in the distant mountains :o). The energy in the house is high. Excitement is written all over the faces of the children. Their minds full of wonder and enchantment.  We parents are excited too! We run about trying to make this a special time for all the kiddies. We decorate with crafts made by the children. We sing carols. We bake cookies and tell countless stories about the birth of our Savior. We buy gifts and wrap them up beautifully. We want this to be a memorable holiday season. We subconsciously want to bring about so much joy that our birth children will remember our traditions and not just the behavior of the other children in our home.

We try to make our foster children feel like a part of our family, to feel loved and accepted, safe and secure. They seem to warm up to us, or not. So do, some don't, and we try not to take it personally, even though it really hurts. We lavish them with attention and praise. We search for ways to make them feel "at home." We want to heal the hurt of missing the family they were born into. The family that is supposed to be the rock of their foundation, and currently isn't able to be. We try to bandage the pain caused by people, who have in one way or another, failed to keep them at "minimally adequate" standards of health and safety; thereby losing custody of them for a time. An unidentified period of time, at that. The kids hearts are broken. Emotions run high. They are angry, sad, confused, and altogether out of balance. It's Christmastime and the kids are totally out of sorts. The screaming is intense. The random acts of seemingly unprovoked violence and rage abound.  The utter disrespect for authority is astonishing, and hurtful. The impulsive and irrational behavior choices are off the charts. The property destruction immeasurable. We rush around trying to make the world or at least our little corner of it, wonderful. And they seem to be working against you with all of their might. It's hard. For everyone, biological kids, foster kids, biological parents and foster parents. Hard.

We need to remember that all foster children had experiences we, as foster families, will never know about. There are so many aspects of their lives we cannot even begin to fathom. They are in a world that makes little to no sense to them. Their hearts are broken and yet full of love. They love our home and feel guilty, like they are betraying their mom and dad. Sometimes they live with their siblings, sometimes not. Often when they are separated from the siblings they know very little about their whereabouts at all. Life for them is very hard. Unpredictable even. One day they were at home with what they considered to be a normal family. Their lives were suddenly disrupted and they were removed from the family they have known their whole lives (or some version of that). They are taken to a foreign home with foreign people and told very little.

It is difficult to handle the emotions and behaviors during the holiday season. I write this for our comfort, you are not alone. I am not alone. We are doing the work of our Heavenly father by bringing these kids into our families. One day they might look back on this time with love and remember how patiently we nurtured them and how we included them in our family traditions. Our children can see the most spectacular example of Christ~like love in our dealings with foster children and caseworkers and biological families, if we choose to love with the heart of Christ.  I pray for peace and comfort for all of the families with foster children and all of the families who are a part if the village it takes to raise a child.
 
Merry Christmas and have a wonderful year full of love and patience. :o)

Finding time, enjoying the moments, spreading the love :0)

As a stay at home mom, home school mom, foster mom, or whatever other mom hat I am wearing, I am often asked how I do it? How do you find time for yourself?or How do you have a good relationship with your kids, if I was around mine all day I think one of us would be (fill in the blank)... or some other such question about how I manage to have a head full of hair, lacking in bald patches :0) and a close relationship with my husband and ALL of my kids and foster kids.... It's really not all that complicated. Let me explain...

There are a  few very important things to remember... (in no particular order)

The time you once had for yourself is no longer there. You chose to be married and to have kids, they come first, always. That is not a bad thing. It is a true blessing to be a wife and a mom. We just have to find things to do around our homes to have a few moments to renew our patience, and relax a bit. I personally like to hide in my room and fold laundry while watching a t.v. show, or take a bath, or read quietly on my bed. I also like to clean in a room that is not occupied by others. All of those activities gives me a little productivity mixed with some space to think. ( I also like the occasional weekend where the kids stay at grandma and grandpa's house ;0)

It is important remember that our children are not a burden, but a joy.  Sometimes I feel short tempered with my kids. Often when I look at the reason I feel that way, it has to do with some perceived denial of something I feel entitled to at the time. For example, freedom from redonkulous games of 1000 questions, or the ability to use the bathroom, not only alone, but, without someone hollering at me through the wall about someone else infringing on their right to privacy or some other such nonsense. We moms have to remember that our time is no longer our own, and just as our children will likely not go off to college in diapers, we will also not have their continual questions and the ability to be their hero forever. We are lucky to be entrusted with the care and nurturing of tiny people, who will one day be grown up and on their own. We have a limited amount of time to love on them and dote on them and teach them. We teach them to have a servants heart by demonstrating our own ability to lay down our desires to accommodate their needs. I have to remind myself often, I don't think dying to self comes naturally to most of us, but with time and continual practice we can get better at it. My husband has an honest gift in this department. He has the ability to see the kids as entertaining, comical, and a source of joy. He actually comes by it naturally and I find myself envious of that trait, because it doesn't come so naturally to me. :0)

You can have fun while staying home with your kids. I find myself feeling shorter tempered, more easily agitated, and finding less joy in the little things, when I am on the run. I have found it to be better to plan outings in one or two days during the week, if possible. I try not to have to leave the house for appointments as much as possible. Sometimes having foster kids can add to the struggle to stay at home, I have asked therapists and CASA workers, caseworkers, and skills trainers, come to the house, whenever possible. I try to schedule doctor and dental check-ups for more than one kid in the same day. I would like to say I am consistently good at this, but it is not always possible. I also try not to commit to outside activities that are not necessary. When you are trying to train new children on how to behave, it really makes things hard on them (and you) if you are always dragging them around outside of the home. Once the skills are attained at home, then I will make more outings to practice the same skills in a variety of social settings.  I just find that being home is an easy step to having a less chaotic life. Kids like board games, coloring,  play-doh, tag, hide and seek, bike riding, snuggling up on the couch for a good story, or other home based activities; as much as a trip to the park, or other outing.

Your husband deserves your time and attention, even if you are tired. If you have the privileged of being a stay at home mom, you need to show you appreciation to your husband for his hard work, which allows you to do just that. Even if you help with some kind of side job or other means of income, your husband still deserves to feel appreciated.  The number one complaint from husbands seems to be that their wife, who once thought he hung the moon, is now devoting ALL of her time and energy on the children and he feels neglected. This ladies, is a sad state of affairs, one we all have likely participated in. I have found that much like the flowers or compliments we love to receive from our hubby, he appreciates small acts of kindness to him. A nice warm bath, with attention paid to him, or an "at home spa day" complete with foot saok, calf massage, and back/shoulder rub with yummy smelling oils are great too! They really enjoy it when you take the time to show interest in something they are really in to, even if it's football or NASCAR, or fishing (if you are lucky, he will bait your hook and remove slimy fish for you too!) My point is, it doesn't take a lot. My husband is really happy to get special attention, just for him. I feel good too! It is amazing how wonderful it feels to give a gift of time or service to my husband and see his face light up. After nearly 14 years, he still needs to know that he is the hanger of the moon and stars....

Children want to feel special too. All of them..... It doesn't matter if you have 2 children or 15 or somewhere in between, they ALL desire some one on one attention with Mom (and Dad). If you homeschool, a lot of time is given in the day to their education and interests. They will enjoy time with you, especially if you make sure they know you are enjoying time with them. Each of my kids has a special talent around the house, and I make sure they know that I see their talent and appreciate it. One of my kids likes to cook, and is quite good at it. One of my kids is fantastic at reading to little ones and keeping their interest. One of my kids is really happy to do housework along side of me. One is really great at helping remind the 2 year old to use the potty. One is great at stacking random things and knocking them over! Woot ! Woot!
(Well, he is only 2 :0) All of those talents lighten my load in one way or another. I try to make sure the kids know  I notice, and that I am truly grateful.


See, not so hard, right? We will all inevitably mess up on one or more of these skills. That is OK. We just have to try again, practice again, sacrifice our natural comforts and tendencies, in order to create a loving and nurturing home enviornment for the people we love the most.  They deserve it, so do you :0)

How do you make your family feel special? What do you do to take a moment out for yourself?

Do you parent a foster child the same way you parent your biological children?

I have been asked that question in various forms over the years. Simply put, No, I don't, but my goals are the same......

Why?

 Our birth children have and always will live in a healthy loving environment. They have been parented by my husband and I from birth. They know that we will never hurt them. They know we will always love them. They know they will always have a home with us. They know food is always going to be served throughout each day. They have a lot of responsibilities in and around our home and business. Life has and will remain consistent for them, barring any unforeseen tragedies.

Our foster children have not always been safe. Some have been left unattended for long periods of time, never knowing when a parent would return. Some have been hit, locked in closets, molested, degraded, humiliated, and/or exposed to other situations I once considered inconceivable. With each new foster placement come a whole new story of an unhealthy life. These stories are sad. devastating at times. I have had to fight back countless tears as a child tells of the horrors he or she has been through. They talk about being abused and seeing violence in much the same fashion as my kids talk about the weather. Like somehow their lives have been like every other child, normal. Often times they don't talk about how they used to live. They are afraid of getting in trouble, some have been told that telling "secrets" can get them taken away forever, or that mommy or daddy will go to jail. Some feel very tor, on one hand they are fearful of their home environment or someone from their home. On the other hand they love their families and feel sad or mad for being separated. Some are led to believe it is at least partly their own fault, or that they have the power to put the family back together; if they keep their mouth shut, or behave in one way or another at their visits or in the foster home. The variables are seemingly endless. Consistency in love, discipline, safety, being fed, bathed, or with family are luxuries to many foster children, ones they can't seem to be given.

Given the variance in skill taught,healthy emotions demonstrated, and other valuable pieces in a child's upbringing, would it be fair to ask the same of each child? I don't think so. I will excuse my children from the table should they choose to pass gas, or belch, or chew with their mouths open.It wouldn't be fair to do the same to a child who was never taught proper (or even somewhat decent) table manners. Would it? If that was a true statement, it seems the same would apply to my birth kids, in that they receive special privileges; a later bedtime, a new toy, a larger allowance, freedom to play outside without direct adult supervision, these are earned though helping out around the house and business, and completing their school work, and other good behavior choices.  I can't allow the same for the kids who cannot share the same responsibilities. I would lose my motivators, the kids all need incentives. Some foster kids are old enough for such privileges, but lacking the skill to handle the daily tasks of life, We want to help them learn the skills they have missed. As the skills improve so do the privileges. That much is true for ALL of the kids. We love them enough to teach them right from wrong, how to behave in multiple situations, listen to their hurts and excitement, how to manage their feelings, how to express love in a healthy way, how to be kind even when you don't want to... and on and on the list goes. Some children have this training from birth, others are asked to climb on in and get to learning a little later. All and all, life is good, for us all.....

I am Thankful

I am thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who sees through my sins to the woman He created. I am thankful for His grace and merciful forgiveness that knows no end.

I am thankful for all the soldiers, past and present, who have fought for the freedoms we enjoy everyday. I am thankful for all of those who sacrificed for us. I love this country and I am thankful for being born here.

 I am thankful for the freedom to homeschool my children...

One of the wonderful benefits of home schooling is the ability to incorporate "Real Life" into your child's lessons. I am really thankful that all of the activities we do in a day, we can do together. I am thankful to be able to spend time with my kids. I am thankful that my boys are learning to cook and help with household tasks. I am thankful that my husband is teaching the boys about routine vehicle maintenance and includes them in his shop as much as possible.I am thankful that my kids can jump on the internet and look up information about whatever is of interest to them at that moment. I love that in our house, bookwork is only a very small part of our daily education. My kids are learning to explore the unknown, and follow their interests, to satisfy their curiosity.  I am incredibly grateful for that freedom. I am thankful for the opportunity to serve my country.  I am thankful to have served when I did. I am thankful to have met my husband when I did. God's timing is wonderful. I am thankful for the challenges that have provided us opportunities to live in faith and trust in God's plan, even when it was hard to see past the struggle.

I see my children's education as an opportunity to learn to love finding their own answers.  It makes my heart sing to watch them discover new things. I am so proud of the little things I get to experience with them daily. I am very lucky to be with my family and nurture our family bond through day to day living and learning.

I love my kids. I love my husband. I love that he works from home and is able to be a part of our lives in a way that some fathers can't. I am very thankful for the opportunities God has provided for my family. Some of the tough stuff has opened doors to great things. We will likely never be rich, but our bond as a family is strong. I can honestly say my family is full of my favorite people on earth. I enjoy the time we get to spend together. I am thankful. :0)

I am thankful for parents who love me like no other. They put up with my fickle behavior. I am super lucky, and thankful that my parents love my husband as if he were their own son. Not everyone can say that. I am thankful that I can.

I am thankful for a brother and sister who can go without speaking for periods of time and pick back up where we left off. I am thankful for an upbringing that encouraged a close relationships. I love my family.



I hope you have many things to be thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving!

How we correct bad behaviors.

As a foster mom, I have seen some incredibly challenging behaviors. I had a child who bit himself and blamed it on others. I had a child who would masturbate at the table or in the living room or pretty much anywhere public or private. I had a child who acted out what can only be described as a "reenactment of a rape" with his stuffed super hero pillow. I have had a child who urinated all over their bedroom. I had a child use feces to paint pictures on the walls. I have had a child who would scream hysterically for hours to get what she wanted. I have seen toddlers use foul language. I have seen violent behaviors towards children and animals. I have had kids who refused to eat only to steal food in the night. I have seen kids eat to the point of vomiting. I have been hit, kicked, bit, spit on, peed on, pooped on, hair pulled, pinched, threatened with being killed.

How do we handle those behaviors in our home? Well.... when we first started foster care we typically overreacted about those really heinous behaviors, especially the sexual ones.  A lot of that comes from sheer shock and the lack of experience. Things like, "get your hands off of your penis and go to your room until you can sit at the table without touching yourself!" Were shouted. Time outs and what we now call taking space, were a bit too much for these kids to handle. Now we know that it is important to not react to disturbing behaviors if at all possible, instead in a calm voice say, "if you need to play with your penis, you need to do it in your room." is said. Don't get me wrong, we are not trying to encourage masturbation, instead we have learned that a lot of these kids will do whatever it takes to get attention. Taking the time to praise them for every little thing goes a long way towards encouraging good behavior. We also give children the opportunity to earn privileges. When a child makes a bad choice they are given a timeout to reflect on the choice and then we talk about what they can do if they are in that situation again in the future, then they are given a chore or small task to complete to work towards making amends for the behavior. The chore really goes a long way towards building self esteem in the child. When you do something bad, don't you feel better when you apologize and do something nice for the person you wronged? I know I do.  We also are sure to tell the child that we care about them too much to let them go through life without learning how to make good choices. We also try to reassure them that there is nothing they can do to make us not care about them.

What about you, How do you discipline?

The amazing epiphany...

Earlier this week we had the two foster kids, whom have lived with us for 15 months, move home with their biological mom. We were sad to see them go, yet happy they were with their mom. While they were transitioning home we relized a few things. One, it was incredibly hard to parent them, they required far more time and energy than I knew. We were always waiting for the next tantrum or other such incident. Two, We were all tired. The days they visited with their mom provided my family with a lot of down time. Three, We reflected over the past year and we were kind of relieved to be free from the hard work of raising children from a neglected and unstructured home. We decided that maybe we should take some time off, or potentially be done fostering.
Then we got a call tonight asking us to take in a family of three kiddos. My husband and I were thrilled to serve another family of kids in need. The boys were too. We won't know for a while if the kids will be removed from their home, but we do know that our hearts and home are open to serve.
That's the epiphany, God will provide us with rest in preparation for the next set of kids who need a family. After all, love is something you can give freely without ever running out!