Expanding Perspective. Owning my hate. Owning my shift.

Along my life (journey) I have had a lot of  beliefs and practices, that I held dear. Many times, I have found myself considering how I developed them.(it's pretty constant and helpful, to me, these days....) Where did they come from? Taught or found. My truth or someone else's (and if not mine, why am I holding it?) Innate or programmed? What purpose does it serve?  Freeing or limiting? Energetic jump-start or drain? Uplifting or deflating? Ego or Spirit driven?

I have a plan I am developing, by practicing. when I find myself unhappy, or mad, or hurt, or offended or any other emotion that brings me down, I look at why I feel that way, and how I can re-frame it, in my mind,  to find the good, the lesson, the growth needed.  It looks like this, but often takes days to find answers (and I am finding, even those answers get modified when I am open to hearing more from Spirit, myself, my family, friends etc. Every truth I experience, ultimately makes room to re-frame my own truth, if for no other reason than to hold space for the truth of another.

For example, one of my truths is that sexual orientation and relationship type preference is as individual as the person. I hold space for all examples of loving relationships (caveat being that consent is a requirement for a loving relationship.) I have not always felt that way. It went something like this. Bare with me. I'm about to show a bit of my old, more limited and limiting perspective.

It began as "gays are going to hell and gross."  "Why would anyone want to do THAT to themselves?"  "Attention seeking behavior" And on and on....all the while , having NO CLUE I was hurting myself and the people I love, with this limiting viewpoint. Until....I knew. Then the embarrassment...which looked a bit like anger. (So this is the point in the show, where I tell everyone that not swearing is really limiting my flow of words....I'm a cussing mamajamma, and being respectful to readers, who may not even exist,  feels stifling......I guess I shall have to look into the Why's, although my first inclination is to say that I feel like my truth should be in my words. That's my ego checking in. "Hey lady, you have to be true to your own your words, if not, is it really your truth?)

Anyway, so here I am, sitting with this old truth, and friends and family being limited. Not feeling safe to be themselves around me and my truth. Just to illustrate how ridiculous it was....how insensitive, judgmental, and hurtful....pains me to remember it fully. I have an old friend. We met in middle school. She was a very close friend for much of my teen years. Insert 15ish years separated after High school, and we reconnect through FB. She tells me about her life and I mine. As she tells me hers, all I here is about her ex girlfriend, AND MY MIND TURNED. I was no-longer able to focus on the convo. All I could do was sit in my judgment seat and condemn her.  And to further demonstrate how limiting and unloving my perspective was....I told her that she was not allowed to discuss 'THAT LIFESTYLE'  in my home, because "I  don't want my kids to think its an ok choice for them." <~ total jerk move.  Who says that to someone and thinks its ok? I did. For years. THEN, I was butt-hurt that she ended up not being able to come over....and we never rescheduled....Not surprising now, but then, I was hurt. I WAS HURT<~WTH? (self centered much?) Thank you friend. I deserved the hurt, it led to the why(eventually). I am thankful for you defending your boundaries, that spared you some injury. Maybe I should tell you that......and how sorry I am. I'm as judgy jerk in recovery....I thank you for the lesson and hope to one day repair any damage my words and actions may have caused.

Fast forward and add a bunch of stories similar in nature, but often in my head. I was growing my openness to hate. (Placing conditions on my unconditional love...?)  Completely unaware.

Eventually, I saw my Judgment. I saw my lie I was selling myself. I saw my limiting perspective. But, how did I get it in the first place?I'm still mapping it out. I think my belief started as a child. It was normal to feel that way, celebrated even. Seems it still is in some circles, just not mine. Many churches I attended taught it as a sin. I bought it. Lots of my people thought the same way....some still do. I'm not judging them for it, each of our lessons come as we need them and some people are meant to believe differently...until they are not, or until they believe differently from yet another perspective. I think lessons come in layers. Like an onion. Or some other such thing.💥 Judgments are everywhere, and some are good. Some protect us, some hurt. When they start to hurt us or the people we love, it pulls the judgment into the light. That is when we really get to start the work.💪😇💪 Until then, the lesson has no value. 💣

I've had to look at a lot of judgments I hold or have held. I am working on breaking them down. I want to operate from a position of expanding perception, not limiting. 👀Soooo, when I find another judgy spot, I ask myself a lot of questions. I am no longer actively looking for people to fit my ideal, but expanding my ideal to hold space for all the people!

Some of my favorite questions:

Does this judgment hurt me or anyone (that I am currently aware of, prepare to revisit often😏😏)? 

(((truth bomb)))I AM FINDING, FOR ME, THAT ALMOST ALL,, HURT ME...I am seeing that limiting others to my rules 

Looks like this:
"She stopped talking to me. Just shows, "they" are all about open-mindedness, as long as you agree....Such crap! (memories of all of the good-times flood my head. My heart sinks at the loss) Why did she ruin this? That hurt my feelings. I mean, I said I didn't judge her for it, hmph.... that's not judging, and I said I sure as hell didn't understand it. I mean, If you are bisexual, like, why even date girls? Can't keep a man? " Etc. Etc Goes the righteous voice is my head. Now my heart is racing. My face is pink. I am mad at her. AND I am not even seeing what I did wrong. I am the injured party. Her hurt does not even exist in my head. Not even on the radar. My light, and love for the world shrinks. I only see my take. I am not only holding a truth that they don't share, against them, I'm blaming them for my not being able to share my words with people.(ego: They always use your words against you. OR Maybe ego: Adds to your reasons to judge them, cuz they judgin' you, right? And heaven help you if you decide to confront them, that's a whole nother can of possibilities.) Or feeling unworthy of love,but thinking the answer lies outside of myself.,See, limits me more than them,.
Yup.
Needing you to behave "my way" leaves me feeling badly, thinking negatively, less compassionate, and with new reasons to place conditions on love.
Even if you don't know. I limit you, and it hurts me.
Take for example, I am out and about, doing my thang. And, BAM! 'The coolest gadget in the world! Jason will love it', 'I say! He is gonna be so freaking thrilled!' I tell myself. 'I can not wait to see his face,' I think, while envisioning his delight! By the time I get to the checkout. I am convinced I will be his favorite star in the sky! 'He will be so pleased! Jumping up and down! "Fantastic find, babe!" he'll say!' Big hugs, and kisses, I envision....I call home and tell him that I have found the coolest gadget ever! AND, Its a surprise (Yeah!!! Building the suspense is good, right?!!!)
I hand him the mystery gadget!
He looks at it.
His expression, flat.
Why does he look confused?
He's messing with me, I tell myself.
Wait, no! WTH!?!
He hates it. {sudden crash, no longer feeling the good vibrations, so to speak.}
Then I say, in my snarky voice in my head (ya'll know...😈) "Do you even KNOW WTH it is? Why are you being like that. You wanna hurt me or something....etc" See now I'm pumped up in the negative, angry, hurt, sad, disappointed, belittled.....AND he did nothing.
But that's not how I see it.
My feelings are valid.
My feelings hurt, for real.
My feelings are real, to me.
The direction I am sending blame for them, not so much. I am hurting me. He has no idea. Or maybe he does? What I do know, for me learning that the first story in your head, is not the only possible story. And how to change it, if I don't like how it feels to own, is priceless. And I get to keep more people I love, in my Life, with less bricks on my prison😏. Maybe that's true for you too? Maybe not.

I'd love to know your tools!
More sample Questions I use:
Does this feeling increase my happiness and love for mankind or limit it?
Can I make room for this value in my everyday life or does it drain my energy or turn my mood negative?
Whose behavior am I wanting changed ? I feel I only ever have the right to insist on a change in my behavior, for my comfort. Redirecting children isn't the same thing to me. That is guidance.
How can I see this from a positive (expanding)view, instead of this negative(limiting) hurtful stance?
When was the first memory of this thought, or idea?
ETC...

The point for me, is to see if the judgment or viewpoint still fits. If it does, I keep it. And its up to me to deal with the consequences of that decision. No one is under obligation to share my truths. NO ONE. AND that is liberating in its own right.

Your turn....What is your process? Want help finding it or implementing it? Have questions about mine(this is only a teeny, tiny, snippet of the process😜 ASK. I love to share and expand my understanding. Helping you helps me! (not a doctor, therapist, councilor, etc. Just a fellow Earth Traveler ready to help you, help,  you. (Seriously....who writes a blog and forgot all of her grammar and writing skills sometime around 20 years ago, if ever possessed...bare with me, forgive me, laugh with me, whateves!😕😍😎😵😂)

Hello! Its been a while....again. Things have changed...also, again.

Hello to my few remaining followers. I am back. And sorry. I have a lot of explaining to do. I will.

I do not consider myself so special as to assume I have any followers left who even remember that I exist in blog land...lol. If you are here its because you haven't purged your reader list or subscriptions. I am aware. I am not offended. I totally get it. I am holding space for any other reasons you may still be here as well.  Either way, I love you, and I have a lot of thoughts to share with you. Not sure it will be your cup of tea though. My entire take on home, life, world, universe, God, purpose and just about everything else, has shifted, and continues to shift. I'll get to that later. My point is, this blog may not be your jam. And that is ok.
Feel free to stay. Read. Comment. Share. Disagree. Agree. Discuss. Do all of those things, one, two, or more or feel free to leave. Really, its up to you. I will respect your choice. Promise. I do ask, if you stay, that you comment respectfully. All opinions, experiences, thoughts etc need to be shared in a loving way. Disagree. Share why, or what influenced you to feel that way. Share how you feel. Your perspective is valued here. Their are no wrong answers or ideas. They all matter. We just share from a positive light. We share to expand each others perspectives. Even if we disagree, we both (all) grow from seeing the situation from another persons heart felt, raw, unfiltered, truth. When we share in love, we share our lives, we grow in conscious awareness of another persons perspective, we begin to see how the other sees. Trust me, that is a good thing. Ill get to that too.
Okay, here goes nothing...or everything....we shall see! (I am excited! Are you?)

For those of you who stayed, or just arrived, or found this by mistake? (or other), Hi! When I finally started this blog, in 2012, I wanted a place to put my thoughts and feelings, and all the other stuff that makes up me, a life journal...yep, that is a good description. BUT, I struggle with my ego. My ego tells me that if I am honest and share my heart and soul, I will be hurting those I love. You know, people whose lives have affected (or effected, I cannot keep those two straight!) my life and therefore are part of my story. Yeah, those people. What if they read my ramblings, think, or know I am talking about them and BAM, now I've hurt their feelings, or maybe they think they have hurt mine!? I do not want that. Soooooo. I try to alter the truth, just enough that everything is vague to sunshine...instead of all the flavors in between. Those missing pieces are the ones I really want to document. I am documenting my growth. I grow by sharing and exchanging ideas with people who are open to the fact that life gets messy. I grow by hearing about your struggles, and successes. I grow from feeling angry, or hurt, or jealous, or sad. I grow when I can share my feelings and how I am learning that my perspective is often, dare I say always, different. I think we all have something to offer. I think we all have love inside us to share. I think the more we share, the closer to the truth we become. The less we share, the more isolated we feel. I think society makes us feel like having feelings is bad. Weak. Less and less people are sharing their truths. We stop growing in love. WE START US/THEM THINKING. We forget that our actions truly affect the lives of those around us. It starts a ripple effect(😕) We start identifying people by race, religion, country, gender, financial status, and on and on ∞. So.... my purpose here is to share my journey, and hold space for you to share yours, if you feel so inclined. Heavenly Father/God/Source/Universe/Creator of everything/Spirit (Big S, not little 😉) holding space for other names and ways of identifying , . All of them, I am learning have value. Not all teachings are correct for everyone, but all hold value. Even if you only learn that you do not believe the practice,ritual,beliefs,etc are true(to you), it still helps to understand the other perspectives, belief drives us, understanding another's beliefs helps you (well me for sure. You have to/get to decide for yourself🌻.) understand them! Really, truly, it does. The more I allow others to share with me from the listening to understand not judge, perspective! WOAH! Growth. Understanding you, changes me. I really don't think I am alone in this. Soooo.. ...... come on in....lets share our truths. Or you can just read mine and sit with it. Or whatever works for you. BUT I'd sure like you to interact. Cuz....sharing is caring.

In short, my views have expanded. I am making room in my heart, thoughts, soul for the endless possibilities this life has to offer. I am shedding my views that restrict my view. I am changing into a person who wants to practice unconditional love. I want to know you and have you know me. I want to be free to be me and hold my truths and still have space for you and yours. I want that with, and for as many people as possible. I want you to have that option too.
Want to join me on my journey and take me along on yours as you see fit? YAY! I have a few friends in mind to write up posts for us, sharing their souls and lives with us. If you want to as well, please let me know!

Christmas with foster children....

It's the most wonderful time of the year! The weather turns cold, snow begins to fall (even if only off in the distant mountains :o). The energy in the house is high. Excitement is written all over the faces of the children. Their minds full of wonder and enchantment.  We parents are excited too! We run about trying to make this a special time for all the kiddies. We decorate with crafts made by the children. We sing carols. We bake cookies and tell countless stories about the birth of our Savior. We buy gifts and wrap them up beautifully. We want this to be a memorable holiday season. We subconsciously want to bring about so much joy that our birth children will remember our traditions and not just the behavior of the other children in our home.

We try to make our foster children feel like a part of our family, to feel loved and accepted, safe and secure. They seem to warm up to us, or not. So do, some don't, and we try not to take it personally, even though it really hurts. We lavish them with attention and praise. We search for ways to make them feel "at home." We want to heal the hurt of missing the family they were born into. The family that is supposed to be the rock of their foundation, and currently isn't able to be. We try to bandage the pain caused by people, who have in one way or another, failed to keep them at "minimally adequate" standards of health and safety; thereby losing custody of them for a time. An unidentified period of time, at that. The kids hearts are broken. Emotions run high. They are angry, sad, confused, and altogether out of balance. It's Christmastime and the kids are totally out of sorts. The screaming is intense. The random acts of seemingly unprovoked violence and rage abound.  The utter disrespect for authority is astonishing, and hurtful. The impulsive and irrational behavior choices are off the charts. The property destruction immeasurable. We rush around trying to make the world or at least our little corner of it, wonderful. And they seem to be working against you with all of their might. It's hard. For everyone, biological kids, foster kids, biological parents and foster parents. Hard.

We need to remember that all foster children had experiences we, as foster families, will never know about. There are so many aspects of their lives we cannot even begin to fathom. They are in a world that makes little to no sense to them. Their hearts are broken and yet full of love. They love our home and feel guilty, like they are betraying their mom and dad. Sometimes they live with their siblings, sometimes not. Often when they are separated from the siblings they know very little about their whereabouts at all. Life for them is very hard. Unpredictable even. One day they were at home with what they considered to be a normal family. Their lives were suddenly disrupted and they were removed from the family they have known their whole lives (or some version of that). They are taken to a foreign home with foreign people and told very little.

It is difficult to handle the emotions and behaviors during the holiday season. I write this for our comfort, you are not alone. I am not alone. We are doing the work of our Heavenly father by bringing these kids into our families. One day they might look back on this time with love and remember how patiently we nurtured them and how we included them in our family traditions. Our children can see the most spectacular example of Christ~like love in our dealings with foster children and caseworkers and biological families, if we choose to love with the heart of Christ.  I pray for peace and comfort for all of the families with foster children and all of the families who are a part if the village it takes to raise a child.
 
Merry Christmas and have a wonderful year full of love and patience. :o)

Cool things I read about motherhood this week, :0)

A wise woman builds her home is a blog I have recently come to read. I have found a lot of inspiring and uplifting posts. This week was no exception. Please pop over and read  this guest post. I don't know about you but this blog post touches my heart. I hope we all can remember (more often then not) that our callings as  homemakers, wives, and mothers are our most important callings with eternal rewards for ourselves and our families. I know I could use a reminder from time to time. I think we all have to remember the importance of our job as a wife and mom against the majority of the world insisting that we could be, have, or do, so much more. We have the ability to do many things, limitless really, but nothing is as powerful or respectable as being a wife and mother. I believe there is no higher calling. We affect the lives of the next generation. We influence their tomorrow, with love and training today. I consider myself privileged to be able to stay at home and raise my children and assist in raising  foster children. There is nothing I would rather do.

Raising Olives has posted a neat  homemade and yummy smelling craft fro the kids to make. Imagine some other creative shape to make for year round fun (I'm thinking I will make some for dresser drawer air fresheners, think it will work?)

Life in a shoe has some great posts on feeling a little bah-humbug, or learning to see Christmas from a different angle if you have a bah-humbug attitude.

How to be Superwoman is one of my favorites too. She is not a blog writer with a really big following, but I get a lot of hope, laughter and encouragement from her. I really understand what she is talking about here.

Ok. I shared some of my favorites, I'd love you to leave a comment with some of yours.

I am Thankful

I am thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who sees through my sins to the woman He created. I am thankful for His grace and merciful forgiveness that knows no end.

I am thankful for all the soldiers, past and present, who have fought for the freedoms we enjoy everyday. I am thankful for all of those who sacrificed for us. I love this country and I am thankful for being born here.

 I am thankful for the freedom to homeschool my children...

One of the wonderful benefits of home schooling is the ability to incorporate "Real Life" into your child's lessons. I am really thankful that all of the activities we do in a day, we can do together. I am thankful to be able to spend time with my kids. I am thankful that my boys are learning to cook and help with household tasks. I am thankful that my husband is teaching the boys about routine vehicle maintenance and includes them in his shop as much as possible.I am thankful that my kids can jump on the internet and look up information about whatever is of interest to them at that moment. I love that in our house, bookwork is only a very small part of our daily education. My kids are learning to explore the unknown, and follow their interests, to satisfy their curiosity.  I am incredibly grateful for that freedom. I am thankful for the opportunity to serve my country.  I am thankful to have served when I did. I am thankful to have met my husband when I did. God's timing is wonderful. I am thankful for the challenges that have provided us opportunities to live in faith and trust in God's plan, even when it was hard to see past the struggle.

I see my children's education as an opportunity to learn to love finding their own answers.  It makes my heart sing to watch them discover new things. I am so proud of the little things I get to experience with them daily. I am very lucky to be with my family and nurture our family bond through day to day living and learning.

I love my kids. I love my husband. I love that he works from home and is able to be a part of our lives in a way that some fathers can't. I am very thankful for the opportunities God has provided for my family. Some of the tough stuff has opened doors to great things. We will likely never be rich, but our bond as a family is strong. I can honestly say my family is full of my favorite people on earth. I enjoy the time we get to spend together. I am thankful. :0)

I am thankful for parents who love me like no other. They put up with my fickle behavior. I am super lucky, and thankful that my parents love my husband as if he were their own son. Not everyone can say that. I am thankful that I can.

I am thankful for a brother and sister who can go without speaking for periods of time and pick back up where we left off. I am thankful for an upbringing that encouraged a close relationships. I love my family.



I hope you have many things to be thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving!

The amazing epiphany...

Earlier this week we had the two foster kids, whom have lived with us for 15 months, move home with their biological mom. We were sad to see them go, yet happy they were with their mom. While they were transitioning home we relized a few things. One, it was incredibly hard to parent them, they required far more time and energy than I knew. We were always waiting for the next tantrum or other such incident. Two, We were all tired. The days they visited with their mom provided my family with a lot of down time. Three, We reflected over the past year and we were kind of relieved to be free from the hard work of raising children from a neglected and unstructured home. We decided that maybe we should take some time off, or potentially be done fostering.
Then we got a call tonight asking us to take in a family of three kiddos. My husband and I were thrilled to serve another family of kids in need. The boys were too. We won't know for a while if the kids will be removed from their home, but we do know that our hearts and home are open to serve.
That's the epiphany, God will provide us with rest in preparation for the next set of kids who need a family. After all, love is something you can give freely without ever running out!