Hello... Hello... Is anybody out there?

I don't know about you, but I have had many times in my life where I am so wrapped up in my own family and the craziness that ensues with our lifestyle that I begin to wonder if we are in fact the only people on the with the following struggles. I can go days or weeks without having a meaningful conversation with anyone not living within the walls of our home. I am consumed by the screaming and fit throwing, poop smearing and urine sprayed on walls, floors and people. I am buried in  laundry, dirty floors, nasty diapers, vomit, and daily routines. Every few seconds it seems that someone has bit, hit, kicked, pushed, shoved, yelled at, or somehow offended another member of the household.  There is not enough time in the day to be a decent wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, and friend. I struggle to maintain a semi~clean house, fed and clean children, happy kids and a husband who feels as appreciated and loved as he really is... ( I am really quite blessed  with my husband). I go to bed daily wondering how I could've been more efficient, better prepared, more patient, more loving, calmer in the face of the the nine millionth tantrum that week. I question my skills, my talents, my motivation. I dog myself for my shortcomings and failures. I criticize myself for being too critical towards my children. I review my ability to be judgmental, I am saddened at my ridiculous expectations and standards used to measure others.

Then I clothes my eyes, and pray. I ask for forgiveness for the multitude of sins. I ask for a renewed spirit of love, patience, and kindness. I pour my heart out to the Creator, Father, Savior. I find peace in that time with Him. I am thankful for the grace, and mercy that seems never ending. I am reassured. I am ready to do it all again in the morning, or in a few hours should one of the little ones decide not to sleep through the night.....again.

What about you? Parenting advice, you didn't ask for :0)

I watched America's Supernanny( not to be confused with Suppernanny with Jo) last night on Lifetime. Have you seen it? Well, she touched on the subject I want to write about this week. BEDTIME, I know, that is the longest "four letter word" in some households.
So the nanny, whose name I cannot recall, taught this family to use a "calm down corner" with their toddlers, whenever they misbehaved. I SHOULD MENTION THIS FAMILY HAD TWO- AND- A- HALF -YEAR- OLD, QUADRUPLETS, as well as two older children roughly 8 and 10. She instructed the parents to put the toddlers in bed, and when they got up, tell them "this is your warning, if you get out of bed again, you will sit in the calm down corner." Then when the child inevitably slid out of bed, they were placed in the calm down corner, located at the other side of the home, in the dining room. One by one the toddlers were placed in the calm down corner, each for 3 minutes. The time did not start until the child was seated and quiet. So needless to say all of the toddlers found themselves out of bed for an additional hour to nearly 3 hours. While I support the idea of a naughty spot, quiet corner, time out chair, reflection bench, calm down corner and so on, I don't think this is the most effective approach to training your child or children to stay in bed at napping and bed times.
I believe the best approach is, establish a bedtime routine followed by a consistent bedtime. Some think a child of a certain age should be in bed by a certain hour, I don't. Every family is different, as is every child. In our home we have a child who attends public school and therefore needs to be up and functioning by 6:30 am. Her routine is, after dinner 1: Brush her teeth and go potty. 2: lay out all clothes and shoes for school the next day, get my ok on the choice :0). 3: Gather backpack and all items needed in the back pack. 4: Pick up the mess in her room. 5: Choose a DVD, CD, or book. 6: Lay in bed and enjoy your choice from step 5. Lights out and t.v. off at 8pm. She is in 2nd grade. She knows that if she wants to have choices in step 5, she needs to be respectful and follow house rules during the day. When she moved in less than 2 months ago, she had never had a bedtime routine ( or at-least not one that was apparent). It took 2 weeks to get this routine established, and reminders are still needed as she is incredibly forgetful and easily distracted.

The same is true for the 5 year old and 2 year old, with minor tweaking on the steps. They have been a bit harder to train. The 5 year old will do just about anything for a sticker, candy or t.v. time, I learned this early on and us it to my advantage. Some frown on this calling it bribery or manipulation, I don't. I see it as motivation. How many adults do you know, who would go to work everyday if they knew there wouldn't be a paycheck? Children need a paycheck too. A tangible "thank-you". A poster board full of stickers to remind them of their good choices. I sweet treat for a job well done. Do I tell them if they do this then they can have that? Nope. I purposely reward children around them who are making the kind and obedient choices, I want them to make. "OH! Bobby! How wonderful. I love that you are waiting patiently, to use the bathroom. Hey let's put a sticker on you good choice chart! Way to go! Thank you soooo much (insert huge hug here)." Guess what? Children often follow suit when they see the reward others are getting! Don't tell them we know. It's our little secret. OK? Thank you so much ;0)

Oh! Sorry, I got a little off topic, didn't I?
 
What do I do when the children with little or no training won't stay in bed? The first time they get up I will say something like "Jimmy, it's sleeping time. Stay in bed. (hug)." As I pick them up and gently place them in bed. I say that in a very sweet sing song voice, regardless of the child's age. After that I do not speak. I simply scoop 'em up and place them in bed, over and over for how ever long it takes for the child to remain in bed and fall asleep. In the beginning this can take hours. Over time, it gets faster and faster, With foster kids it takes time to establish routine. This piece is one of the first things we put in place when the kids move in. It serves a couple of purposes beyond establishing a good sleep pattern. It also shows the children that you will not get angry and yell. You will not be rough or hurt them. It shows the children that you will follow through with routines because you love them enough to teach them how to behave. It likely says more to them, these are just my favorites.

It is often very challenging in the beginning, especially with older kids who have learned to spew all kinds of hateful words. I find if you can avoid eye contact, you are better off. if you have a cool-headed spouse to help that is great too! Most of all, it is important to remember that it will get better, if you stick to routine. Another tidbit, if there are more than one child misbehaving at a time, I have been known to say things like, "children who want a movie will get in bed and be quiet for 10 minutes, and I will turn on the t.v."  I require a good choice from them BEFORE I will give the reward. If you say "get in bed and I will tyurn on the t.v. they learn to scream or what not to get a reward.  Sometimes I say. "Bummer, I was gonna turn on Veggie Tales if you were in bed" (insert sad face) it all depends on the child and the situation.

What about you? How do you train a child to stay in bed?

What about you? Parenting Advice, You Didnt Ask For :0) Temper Tantrums

Have you ever been at the grocery store, walking along, peacefully gathering your necessary items, when the candy bar isle distracts you? Not because of the chocolate. Or the sour patch kids. It's the screaming child in that poor woman's cart. His face is red and he is loud and what on earth is he saying? She looks distraught and reaches for the m&m's and gives them to him. He suddenly quiets himself and smiles while munching on yummy candy coated chocolate. Mission accomplished. Whose mission do you think I am talking about? Mom, after all, she got the kid to stop screaming? The little boy, I mean shoot, he managed to get the m&m's his mom most likely, initially said "no" about?

Or....

Have you ever been over at a friends house at bedtime? Her children are playing a board game when she announces "Bed time in twenty minutes" and the kids reply "thanks mom" and quietly begin to clean up the game and then they disappear. When they reappear, they have their teeth brushed, pajamas on, and all have gone to the bathroom. They give hugs and kisses and head down the hall. Mom follows after them and reads a chapter from the book they have been chosen, they all say prayers and the children are soon fast asleep. You sit there dumbstruck, reflecting on your bedtime "routine" snickering when you think the word "routine". She must have some amazing kids, I mean normal children don't go to bed like that. Do they?

Or...

Have you ever met a gal pal to have lunch with the kids and run some errands? While at lunch she tells the kids she plans to take them to the park to play after running errands. "First we will have lunch, then drop by the post office, run to Wal-mart for a few things and then to the park, if you make good behavior choices" The kids excitedly agree to behave. "Wow" you think to yourself,"how will she enforce the good behavior?" knowing very well that you would not set YOUR children to fail. I mean, no one actually follows through with "threats" like that. Do they?

Or...

Do you know a foster family with new kids in their home? The house is disheveled. Kids run amuck, screaming and hitting, biting and spitting, at every turn? She announces that lunch will be ready in ten minutes. Kids run to the table. Soon a fight breaks out over who gets to sit where. At first it is just yelling, quickly it turns to pushing and hair pulling. She walks calmly into the room and says " I don't mind if you fight. We just don't do it in the house. You are welcome to continue to fight in the yard or you can sit here and you can sith there." Both children protest. She had placed both children in a chair other than the one they were fighting over. They refuse to sit. They continue to yell and fight. She says, "You have ten seconds to chose, either stop fighting and eat or go outside and fight while your food gets cold. I should remind you that lunch lasts for 30 minutes and then the table will be cleared and eating time will be over." They have continued to fight while she is talking. One child sits, ready to eat. The other child wants to sit in the chair the sibling has just sat in. That child yells "I want to sit there! Move! That's my spot!" And rushes over, ready to physically remove the child from the chair. Foster mom say in a calm voice, " I see that your choice is made. Do you want to go outside by my feet or yours?" The child ignores her and keeps yelling. Your friend casually walks to the child a picks them up and delivers them to the porch. She says " when you are calm and quiet you are welcome to come in. There is 25 minutes left for eating lunch." And walks into the house. You make some excuse to leave wondering how on earth she does it. Those kids are out of control. There is no way their behaviors can be fixed. Can they?

I have been there. In all of those situations, oddly from both sides of the stories too! I want to share what I have learned over the years. I'm not saying my methods are quick or fail proof or easy for that matter.I am not saying they are for everyone. I am saying I have had a lot of luck and a lot less frustration, (often referred to as "anger" by people who want to be honest with themselves:0).

I will share some of  my experiences and how I deal with them.

This week tantrums at the grocery store.
Let's talk about the kid in  the shopping cart... If you are looking for a way to quiet the child right now, maybe the m&m's are a good choice. I do, however, recommend saying yes in the first place. A child learns quickly that throwing a fit will get them what they want. I believe you have to follow through with what you say. If you are looking at the long term and you want to be able to take your children grocery shopping without them expecting a treat, you may want to say no? That's when the hard part comes in, especially if the child has learned to throw fits to get his/her way. When they begin to cry and scream and hit and kick or some other combination of tantrum style behavior it is REALLY important to stay calm (on the outside :0) and try not to react. Kind of like when you were a child and your brother kept poking you and you mom said to ignore him and he would likely get bored of you not reacting and go away. Same thing here, your child needs to know their behavior choices have consequences for them, not you. It is easy to say, but takes a lot of practice. For me it does at least. Thank goodness I have so many kids to provide me with learning opportunities! Here is what I do... First take a deep breathe, preferably with your face away from your child. Then with a calm and quiet voice tell any other child who is behaving how absolutely wonderful it is that they are sitting so quietly, or walking where they were asked to be and any other behaviors you wish the misbehaving child would display. Peer pressure is amazing at times. If the child  throwing a tantrum tries to talk to me, while screaming I say "when your voice sounds like mine, we can talk." I will repeat that in a very soft, kind voice, over and over and over until I can't hardly stand it. Eventually the child will calm and quiet down; from lack of will, loss of motivation, finally understanding or sheer exhaustion. Whatever the cause I acknowledge them for choosing to be calm. Don't celebrate it, just a simple "its nice that you have calmed down." is sufficient. It's important that the child doesn't see the fit as having any affect on you.

I am going to be honest and say that if the child is a foster child from a neglectful home the tantrums may last a long time and be really ugly at first. This is important because we all need to know our limits and it might be a good idea to grab the essentials only and get out of the store. I think it is better to come back later then to let the child think they have the power to change you plans. I want the consequences of the child's behavior to seemingly only affect them. That will motivate them to change the behavior. After all, it gets boring to poke someone over and over without some kind of reaction :0) Smile, knowing you child will learn to manage themselves in time. It is worth the work.

What about you? How do you handle a tantrum at the store?