When the world gives you Lemons, vent on your blog!!!!?!!!!...Or is that just me?

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I know I am not the best blogger in the history of the world. I am fickle with my commitment  to blog about things I feel are important, or just need to get off my mind. I want to be better about it, I have drank enough excuse water over the years, I should pretty well be immune at this point. I'm not. I have a lot of reasons to NOT post whats on my mind. I am whittling away at them :0) Pride, Fear, Anxiety of being judged or misunderstood (Or BOTH!). I guess, mostly, fear sums it up. I am a yellow bellied, sap sucker... drowning in fear and excuse water....

NOT COOOOOL.

So much has happened since my last post. Heck its been seven months, that is an awful lot of catching up, I have to do.

To summarize;
Kids moved in and out, ALL SORTS OF MONKEY BUSINESS happened in between :) (I will work on filling in the missing stories over time, if I remember, I hope....)

So that brings us to the present....Sort of.

So, here I am sitting at the table waiting for the least supportive, least reliable, most obnoxious (due to an overwhelmingly insincere, ridiculously upbeat, cotton candy shooting, not forthcoming, less than honest, email and phone call avoiding, non communicating, less than helpful, persona) caseworker in the entirety of our foster parenting life, which is in the neighborhood of 9 years. She has my boy. Nope not Dakota or Brady, there isn't a snowballs chance in Hell, I'd let her (nor would Jason for that matter) get her paws on those two :0) She has our little guy, "Earth"  She took him, with less than 48 hours notice, to Tigard to meet with a potential foster placement. Yep. She is trying to move him. Not just to another foster home, but to a foster home for kids with severe difficulties behaviorally or otherwise. Yes, he is a challenging kid. Yes he has RAD. Yes, he requires a lot of supervision and attention. No, she has not acknowledged that in the 15 months he has lived here. Well, she has verbally acknowledged it, but not in any tangible way. She has not got him a Child and Adolescent Needs and Strengths assessment. I have asked numerous time for one. And, that is a BIG one. Maybe even the most important. Not to mention acting like he didn't have any "real" issues. Oh, yeah, she also didn't even tell me the results of his psych eval, even the diagnosis of RAD and PTSD were not shared until June. The evaluation was done in October.......
*******side note: For those who are unfamiliar, Oregon (and likely other states), has this assessment for ALL foster children to determine what level of supervision and mental health care etc a child needs to be at. This assessment gets foster parents more than just extra money for the kids, it also gets a lot of extra services, like therapy, skills training, training for the foster parent, extra help in school and/or other social settings, and a lot of other really helpful tools.*******
I have begged for a new therapist, because his triggers him to some really unpleasant behaviors. Even his therapist agreed to the transfer and because of that he has not had therapy since before Christmas (i think). He did finally get a skills trainer last month! YEAH!!! That has been going well. And he was referred to a group called Mid Valley WRAP, they do all sorts of wonderful things for kids. They are great at getting a lot of those services I mentioned before. Sometimes they are overwhelming, but it's worth it because they help bring about results! They help keep everyone involved and on the same page :0)
She finally starts to move in the right direction for him (oh, and they are moving to termination too! That means he will be free for adoption, and we want him. She knows that! ) and what does she do? She shifts gears and doesn't let any of the new services have a chance to work and decides to place him in a residential/or BRC (I cant remember the letters, or there meaning. My mind went full duhhhhhh mode when she was telling me. It's hard to listen and comprehend when all you feel is your heart breaking, your blood rushing to all areas of your body and you have to remind yourself not to speak, knowing that nothing you say will make sense or be civil :) ) home or some other such, NOT STAYING WITH US sort of placement. Oh and she does all of this without even asking what our thoughts are. Ok, soooooo, I don't seem to be able to be even close to kind right now. She has him, right now, at a "meet and greet" with some other family in the Portland area, letting them decide if they like him and want to take him in for an unidentified period of time from 30 days to a year or so, to help get diagnostics and blah, blah, blah.....<<<<<WHAT>>>> He has attachment issues and she/they want to sever the attachment formed here, act like he is SOOOOOOOO hard to handle (even though she/they did not even give us the ability to use the basic tools ALL foster kids are supposed to have available tooo them) and see if this new family, this home of strangers, these people who, to him, will be the ones who took him from us, or we will be the ones who abandoned him yet again, cuz he hasn't had enough of that is his life. Even though he has lived with us longer than he has lived ANYWHERE IN HIS LIFE!!!!!! And that is all to help him work with his attachment/bonding difficulties...*****HUH?****

(((((((I ma choosing to lay blame with the Caseworker, I know she is responsible for a lot of the crap we are and have been dealing with, I also know other people have to be involved and she probably has to snow others into believing her version of the facts before this can happen. Although, the ones (DHS STAFF) I have been able to speak with, seem to be sitting on the fence or see things similarly to how I do. Even the fence sitters think its worth letting us have a go with all these new services and keep him in his home, here, with us, aka his family....)))))))))


I will post again when I know more.....
Please feel free to pray for us. We could use it. Specifically, please pray that we are able to help with and accept Heavenly Father's plan for our family and this child...... I truly appreciate it.

What about you, Parenting advice you didn't ask for:0) Attention seeking.

What do you do when your child makes a lot of choices knowing full well they are against the rules? What about the child who notices all of those choices and suddenly becomes a saint who can't seem to do enough chores and/or gifts of service for mom and dad? What if they are foster children? What if they are adopted? What if they are your biological children? Does any of that change your perspective or corrective action?

The following (as with all of my posts) is my opinion based on my life experiences. :0)

I can only talk about my own experiences and they are limited to being raised in a two parent home, living as a two parent family with biological sons and foster children who change fairly frequently, aunt to 7 adopted foster children, an only child niece, 8 years as a childcare provider and friend to a few other family scenarios. So I am limited, very limited. Also, I am fairly conservative. I don't buy into the whole idea that children need to be protected from failure, natural consequences,  emotional pain (not to be confused with abuse) or other things I consider facts of life. I believe children (and adults) benefit from getting through the tough stuff. Eventually :o)

I believe children from different backgrounds implement attention seeking tactics for different reasons, and therefore should be handled differently. A child who has lived in an abusive, neglectful, violent, unstable or other wise unsafe home, resulting in being placed in foster care, should not be disciplined in the same fashion as a child born to you, living with you (a loving mom and dad), in a safe environment. If we agree so far...

Life is NOT easy...

I have incredibly fond memories of elementary school. I remember my friends and a lot of the fun we had. I remember the birthday parties, the sleep overs, bike riding, and playground activities. I fondly remember a couple of my teachers, who touched my life in ways that have helped to make me the person I am today. I remember my mom, it seems like she was ALWAYS there for me. She came to games, and cheered me on. She was smiling in the audience of every choir or drama performance. She held me when I was sad, or sick, or needed to be snuggled. My dad was always the firm hand in our family. He was very consistent in my discipline. He was also the first to praise me when I had behaved well. He wrestled with me and my friends. He took me to Dairy Queen for a banana split when he needed to spend one on one time with me. He took me camping often, and let me bring friends along. My brother zipped me into an old army sleeping bag and drug me all over the house. He picked on me relentlessly, always taking my little sisters side of any argument, often promising that he would take my side when she turned 7 ( our little inside joke) I remember riding a low tree branch and taking turns trying to "buck" each other off. I remember sharing a room and playing with my sister, a lot. I remember the three of us making mud pies and hunting snakes and frogs. I remember our family dog, cocoa, and a multitude of orange cats named Fred. I remember my Aunts and Uncles being very involved in our lives. I remember cousins so close they were like siblings. I remember my grandparents. It seems that we went to their house nearly every weekend. I have many wonderful memories from time spent at heir house. My young years we great, fantastic even. (so was the rest of my childhood, but that is for another post :o)

Am I bragging? No. I don't think my elementary years were all that different from most children in my peer group.  Parents were parents and proud to fulfill their responsibility to raise respectful, responsible, self-confident, loving children into adulthood. Our needs as children came first, ahead of the needs and desires of our parents. Our discipline was more important than our parents being our friends. Our praise for hard work came naturally to them, or so it felt. Our redirection for correcting our mistakes were of equal importance. We knew our parents loved us unconditionally. We could count on our parents to be. there for us, no matter the need. We knew the consequence of our actions before we even broke the rules. We could count on being taken to the doctor when we were sick, whether or not we had insurance was irrelevant and kept between the ones who needed to know, our parents and the doctor. We knew very little about money and its abundance or scarcity. We were a family. We enjoyed our dinners together around the table, and knew who would be responsible for clearing the table and cleaning the dishes. We thanked our moms for the meal she prepared and knew that if she cooked something we didn't care for, we either ate it anyway or went hungry. My dad always said my mom wasn't a short order cook and we could eat the food she made for us or go without. Life was good, not perfect, but pretty darn good.
  When I look at my kids I know that they are being raised very similarly to my own childhood. A few exceptions are obvious to those who know us. We homeschool. I am the disciplinarian and refer to my husband as the kids big brother at times and use him as "the hammer" when things get too much for me in the sass and disrespect department. He is phenomenal at inspiring the kids to change their attitude :0). We have foster kids who come and go fairly regularly. Other than that it's pretty close to how I remember my childhood, or at least the key elements of it.

That brings me to the reason for my post title. Life is NOT easy, or fair for that matter. I am so heart broken when I look into the eyes of our foster children and think about all of the rotten messages they are being given, or drawing to conclusion based on their situations... It makes me sad that their living situations are as they are. Living with strangers. Visiting briefly with their parents. Wondering why their lives are they way they are. Going to school after school, feeling like an outsider in all aspects of their lives. Coming home from school feeling alienated. Kids saying "ew, I don't want to stand by her" or telling other kids that you are nasty or gross. Fearing for your safety, and/or the safety of your family members. Nightmares about past abuses. Reliving traumatic situations inside your head that you can't talk about, after all it's a "family secret not to be told." Living in fear of being left alone, or moved again, or separated from your siblings. Wondering if your dad is hitting your mom or the other way around. If they aren't, wondering if it was your fault they did when you all lived together. Feeling guilty for loving the foster family you have, feeling like you are betraying your own family. Feeling the pressure to learn how to behave in a household so vastly different from the one you are used too. Being judged and medicated for your behaviors that you learned out of necessity to survive the environments of your past. Not feeling loved. Not feeling liked. Not feeling a sense of family. Wondering what each day, each moment will bring. Will you be hit today? Will you be fed? Will you see your family? Will you be hugged? What about tomorrow? And the day after?

It is hard to be a foster parent. It is hard to be a foster sibling. It is hard to share your home with strangers who act so differently from your version of normal family life. It is harder to be a displaced child. Nightmares that can't be consoled. Anxieties that can't be relieved. Fear of the unknown and known alike. Feeling inadequate. Or Nasty. Remembering all the good and BAD from your past and wondering if you will ever have good times living with your family. Feeling guilty for wanting to go home to your birth family and frightened of the very same thing. LIFE IS NOT EASY....

Please take a moment to pray for all of the displaced children. Pray for them to find comfort in their foster or adoptive family. Pray for the recovery of their birth families and restoration of their homes. Pray for their caseworkers and lawyers. Pray for their foster families to find patience and grace and mercy for their maladaptive behaviors. I for one know that I would be grateful for the prayer.

What about you? Parenting Advice, You Didnt Ask For :0) Temper Tantrums

Have you ever been at the grocery store, walking along, peacefully gathering your necessary items, when the candy bar isle distracts you? Not because of the chocolate. Or the sour patch kids. It's the screaming child in that poor woman's cart. His face is red and he is loud and what on earth is he saying? She looks distraught and reaches for the m&m's and gives them to him. He suddenly quiets himself and smiles while munching on yummy candy coated chocolate. Mission accomplished. Whose mission do you think I am talking about? Mom, after all, she got the kid to stop screaming? The little boy, I mean shoot, he managed to get the m&m's his mom most likely, initially said "no" about?

Or....

Have you ever been over at a friends house at bedtime? Her children are playing a board game when she announces "Bed time in twenty minutes" and the kids reply "thanks mom" and quietly begin to clean up the game and then they disappear. When they reappear, they have their teeth brushed, pajamas on, and all have gone to the bathroom. They give hugs and kisses and head down the hall. Mom follows after them and reads a chapter from the book they have been chosen, they all say prayers and the children are soon fast asleep. You sit there dumbstruck, reflecting on your bedtime "routine" snickering when you think the word "routine". She must have some amazing kids, I mean normal children don't go to bed like that. Do they?

Or...

Have you ever met a gal pal to have lunch with the kids and run some errands? While at lunch she tells the kids she plans to take them to the park to play after running errands. "First we will have lunch, then drop by the post office, run to Wal-mart for a few things and then to the park, if you make good behavior choices" The kids excitedly agree to behave. "Wow" you think to yourself,"how will she enforce the good behavior?" knowing very well that you would not set YOUR children to fail. I mean, no one actually follows through with "threats" like that. Do they?

Or...

Do you know a foster family with new kids in their home? The house is disheveled. Kids run amuck, screaming and hitting, biting and spitting, at every turn? She announces that lunch will be ready in ten minutes. Kids run to the table. Soon a fight breaks out over who gets to sit where. At first it is just yelling, quickly it turns to pushing and hair pulling. She walks calmly into the room and says " I don't mind if you fight. We just don't do it in the house. You are welcome to continue to fight in the yard or you can sit here and you can sith there." Both children protest. She had placed both children in a chair other than the one they were fighting over. They refuse to sit. They continue to yell and fight. She says, "You have ten seconds to chose, either stop fighting and eat or go outside and fight while your food gets cold. I should remind you that lunch lasts for 30 minutes and then the table will be cleared and eating time will be over." They have continued to fight while she is talking. One child sits, ready to eat. The other child wants to sit in the chair the sibling has just sat in. That child yells "I want to sit there! Move! That's my spot!" And rushes over, ready to physically remove the child from the chair. Foster mom say in a calm voice, " I see that your choice is made. Do you want to go outside by my feet or yours?" The child ignores her and keeps yelling. Your friend casually walks to the child a picks them up and delivers them to the porch. She says " when you are calm and quiet you are welcome to come in. There is 25 minutes left for eating lunch." And walks into the house. You make some excuse to leave wondering how on earth she does it. Those kids are out of control. There is no way their behaviors can be fixed. Can they?

I have been there. In all of those situations, oddly from both sides of the stories too! I want to share what I have learned over the years. I'm not saying my methods are quick or fail proof or easy for that matter.I am not saying they are for everyone. I am saying I have had a lot of luck and a lot less frustration, (often referred to as "anger" by people who want to be honest with themselves:0).

I will share some of  my experiences and how I deal with them.

This week tantrums at the grocery store.
Let's talk about the kid in  the shopping cart... If you are looking for a way to quiet the child right now, maybe the m&m's are a good choice. I do, however, recommend saying yes in the first place. A child learns quickly that throwing a fit will get them what they want. I believe you have to follow through with what you say. If you are looking at the long term and you want to be able to take your children grocery shopping without them expecting a treat, you may want to say no? That's when the hard part comes in, especially if the child has learned to throw fits to get his/her way. When they begin to cry and scream and hit and kick or some other combination of tantrum style behavior it is REALLY important to stay calm (on the outside :0) and try not to react. Kind of like when you were a child and your brother kept poking you and you mom said to ignore him and he would likely get bored of you not reacting and go away. Same thing here, your child needs to know their behavior choices have consequences for them, not you. It is easy to say, but takes a lot of practice. For me it does at least. Thank goodness I have so many kids to provide me with learning opportunities! Here is what I do... First take a deep breathe, preferably with your face away from your child. Then with a calm and quiet voice tell any other child who is behaving how absolutely wonderful it is that they are sitting so quietly, or walking where they were asked to be and any other behaviors you wish the misbehaving child would display. Peer pressure is amazing at times. If the child  throwing a tantrum tries to talk to me, while screaming I say "when your voice sounds like mine, we can talk." I will repeat that in a very soft, kind voice, over and over and over until I can't hardly stand it. Eventually the child will calm and quiet down; from lack of will, loss of motivation, finally understanding or sheer exhaustion. Whatever the cause I acknowledge them for choosing to be calm. Don't celebrate it, just a simple "its nice that you have calmed down." is sufficient. It's important that the child doesn't see the fit as having any affect on you.

I am going to be honest and say that if the child is a foster child from a neglectful home the tantrums may last a long time and be really ugly at first. This is important because we all need to know our limits and it might be a good idea to grab the essentials only and get out of the store. I think it is better to come back later then to let the child think they have the power to change you plans. I want the consequences of the child's behavior to seemingly only affect them. That will motivate them to change the behavior. After all, it gets boring to poke someone over and over without some kind of reaction :0) Smile, knowing you child will learn to manage themselves in time. It is worth the work.

What about you? How do you handle a tantrum at the store?