My Conclusions....

It has been a little over a year since my last post.

I was very angry.
I was very hurt.
I was full of unpleasant feelings.

I AM NOT ANY LONGER. I AM QUITE HAPPY WITH MY LIFE.


In the past year I have come to a few conclusions regarding the Foster Care system in my area (and maybe others?).

1 The system as in life, cannot be/feel fair to everyone. It always seems unfair to at least one party involved....
2 The system works for some. We should be grateful in those circumstances.
3 There are great caseworkers and horrible caseworkers and many in between.
4 Caseworkers are people. As such they are imperfect.
5 I am no longer wanting to be a Foster parent, my family has been put through the wringer. We are done.

Here's to a new chapter.......

Apparently that WAS NOT lemonade.....

So there I was in a room with 8 other adults, who are supposed to be looking out for the best interest of the little dude I've been ranting about lately. I was tricked. To make this short and sweet, I poured my heart out, tears and all. I tried to make them see how much we love him. How much a part of our family he is. I offered a lot of alternatives to moving him. They were not moved. They said the decision wasn't concrete. They said they would discuss it and get back to me. After nearly two hours of listening to so called facts, about his case and difficulties, presented completely out of order. The time line was a mess. It was my word against that of the caseworker, whom I still believe was doing what she needed to, for reasons I don't want to speculate. It wouldn't change anything if I were to guess anyway. Suffice it to say that she and I did not recall many, if any of the details to fit the same time line. I do not pretend that the issues she mentioned, and I cannot for his privacy, were untrue. It's just mostly really old information that had been discussed with the proper channels and handled. Most of it was from 2012, and super old news. She presented it as if it had all happened recently. Anyway, a big, fat, mess. I don't see how poking the bear would make his life any easier so I took the high road as much as I could and calmly gave my own account of the facts in the time line I lived and she merely heard about. They thanked me for coming and told me they would be discussing it after I left. I went to talk to a friend at the agency and was bawling, and venting and saw them leave the meeting within minutes of my departure. They decided to go ahead with the move and gave me less than 48 hours notice. Nearly 16 months this child has lived with us. Longer than he has lived anywhere else in his life, and they gave him absolutely no time to transition from one home to the next. He will have little to no closure. His bond was severed with a jagged knife to the heart. This child who suffers from reactive attachment disorder (caused, in a nutshell, by not being able to trust, and rely on people for nurturing, love and support) had yet another family say they loved him, say he would always be welcomed in their home, promised that he would never be asked to leave, and it probably looks to him like he was lied to yet again. He is 5. That is not something he can grasp. His attachment disorder just got a little worse. He has no way of knowing how our hearts break for him. How sad we are. How much we really do love and want him. I'm so angry. I will not likely ever understand. And I'm grown. He's just a baby. I'm not sure what to do next. I have to heal a bit and get my feelings and emotions in check. It's not over.

When the world gives you Lemons, vent on your blog!!!!?!!!!...Or is that just me?

Picture credit

I know I am not the best blogger in the history of the world. I am fickle with my commitment  to blog about things I feel are important, or just need to get off my mind. I want to be better about it, I have drank enough excuse water over the years, I should pretty well be immune at this point. I'm not. I have a lot of reasons to NOT post whats on my mind. I am whittling away at them :0) Pride, Fear, Anxiety of being judged or misunderstood (Or BOTH!). I guess, mostly, fear sums it up. I am a yellow bellied, sap sucker... drowning in fear and excuse water....

NOT COOOOOL.

So much has happened since my last post. Heck its been seven months, that is an awful lot of catching up, I have to do.

To summarize;
Kids moved in and out, ALL SORTS OF MONKEY BUSINESS happened in between :) (I will work on filling in the missing stories over time, if I remember, I hope....)

So that brings us to the present....Sort of.

So, here I am sitting at the table waiting for the least supportive, least reliable, most obnoxious (due to an overwhelmingly insincere, ridiculously upbeat, cotton candy shooting, not forthcoming, less than honest, email and phone call avoiding, non communicating, less than helpful, persona) caseworker in the entirety of our foster parenting life, which is in the neighborhood of 9 years. She has my boy. Nope not Dakota or Brady, there isn't a snowballs chance in Hell, I'd let her (nor would Jason for that matter) get her paws on those two :0) She has our little guy, "Earth"  She took him, with less than 48 hours notice, to Tigard to meet with a potential foster placement. Yep. She is trying to move him. Not just to another foster home, but to a foster home for kids with severe difficulties behaviorally or otherwise. Yes, he is a challenging kid. Yes he has RAD. Yes, he requires a lot of supervision and attention. No, she has not acknowledged that in the 15 months he has lived here. Well, she has verbally acknowledged it, but not in any tangible way. She has not got him a Child and Adolescent Needs and Strengths assessment. I have asked numerous time for one. And, that is a BIG one. Maybe even the most important. Not to mention acting like he didn't have any "real" issues. Oh, yeah, she also didn't even tell me the results of his psych eval, even the diagnosis of RAD and PTSD were not shared until June. The evaluation was done in October.......
*******side note: For those who are unfamiliar, Oregon (and likely other states), has this assessment for ALL foster children to determine what level of supervision and mental health care etc a child needs to be at. This assessment gets foster parents more than just extra money for the kids, it also gets a lot of extra services, like therapy, skills training, training for the foster parent, extra help in school and/or other social settings, and a lot of other really helpful tools.*******
I have begged for a new therapist, because his triggers him to some really unpleasant behaviors. Even his therapist agreed to the transfer and because of that he has not had therapy since before Christmas (i think). He did finally get a skills trainer last month! YEAH!!! That has been going well. And he was referred to a group called Mid Valley WRAP, they do all sorts of wonderful things for kids. They are great at getting a lot of those services I mentioned before. Sometimes they are overwhelming, but it's worth it because they help bring about results! They help keep everyone involved and on the same page :0)
She finally starts to move in the right direction for him (oh, and they are moving to termination too! That means he will be free for adoption, and we want him. She knows that! ) and what does she do? She shifts gears and doesn't let any of the new services have a chance to work and decides to place him in a residential/or BRC (I cant remember the letters, or there meaning. My mind went full duhhhhhh mode when she was telling me. It's hard to listen and comprehend when all you feel is your heart breaking, your blood rushing to all areas of your body and you have to remind yourself not to speak, knowing that nothing you say will make sense or be civil :) ) home or some other such, NOT STAYING WITH US sort of placement. Oh and she does all of this without even asking what our thoughts are. Ok, soooooo, I don't seem to be able to be even close to kind right now. She has him, right now, at a "meet and greet" with some other family in the Portland area, letting them decide if they like him and want to take him in for an unidentified period of time from 30 days to a year or so, to help get diagnostics and blah, blah, blah.....<<<<<WHAT>>>> He has attachment issues and she/they want to sever the attachment formed here, act like he is SOOOOOOOO hard to handle (even though she/they did not even give us the ability to use the basic tools ALL foster kids are supposed to have available tooo them) and see if this new family, this home of strangers, these people who, to him, will be the ones who took him from us, or we will be the ones who abandoned him yet again, cuz he hasn't had enough of that is his life. Even though he has lived with us longer than he has lived ANYWHERE IN HIS LIFE!!!!!! And that is all to help him work with his attachment/bonding difficulties...*****HUH?****

(((((((I ma choosing to lay blame with the Caseworker, I know she is responsible for a lot of the crap we are and have been dealing with, I also know other people have to be involved and she probably has to snow others into believing her version of the facts before this can happen. Although, the ones (DHS STAFF) I have been able to speak with, seem to be sitting on the fence or see things similarly to how I do. Even the fence sitters think its worth letting us have a go with all these new services and keep him in his home, here, with us, aka his family....)))))))))


I will post again when I know more.....
Please feel free to pray for us. We could use it. Specifically, please pray that we are able to help with and accept Heavenly Father's plan for our family and this child...... I truly appreciate it.

Homeschooling with foster kids....

Once upon a time it was very easy to get permission to homeschool foster kids. Not so much anymore. I have homeschooled a few kids in the past, with great success. Somewhere around 2008 Oregon made some pretty intense changes to foster parenting rules. Now it is really hard, nearly impossible even, to get permission to home educate the displaced youth in foster care.
The trouble is, in my humble opinion, the kids in foster care seem to be the ones who would really benefit from homeschooling. Academically as well as socially. Keep in mind that as of yet, the past 8 or 9 years, my family has worked with kids from birth to 10 years old. I have little to no experience with preteen kiddos in foster care. Keeping that in mind, here are some ideas for homeschooling with foster kids.

If the foster child is of a similar age or educational level as one of your own children....Save some of the daily lessons which would benefit both children and have them do the work together either in the evening or perhaps on the weekend. I have found it to be beneficial to my kids to (if younger) receive instruction from a peer who understands a concept, as well as (if older) be the peer to explain a concept. There have been many occasions in which my kids have further cemented a concept in their mind by simply explaining it to another child. Not to mention, the ego boost a child receives when they are able to "teach" a concept. A lot of my foster kids have had really low self esteem and that damaged self image proves detrimental in school and blocks their ability to learn. Sometimes a simple task of helping a younger sibling with their school work, can go a long way towards building up their self worth.
If the foster children are younger or not educationally similar...
Have the older sibling be responsible for a ten to fifteen minute daily assignment together with a younger sibling. It is nice for the little ones to have something fun like a story or drawing or craft time together with another child each day.
As much as possible I try to work with my foster kids on whatever areas of weakness they have. Sometimes that is education based sometimes not. I try to make up for what they miss out on as far as one on one and small group activities. i know public school teachers are tasked with educating a wide range of kids daily, their skills are so vastly different from each other. I have yet to meet a teach, who was unwilling to share what needs a child has that could be improved to help make school more pleasant for both the child and their classmates. Sometimes that is a deficiency in healthy boundaries, sometimes it is learning to be patient, sometimes an educational goal. I highly recommend working with your foster child's teacher and school. More often than not, they will be grateful.


Foster parenting is an important job. Today's youth need loving homes when their homes are no longer safe. I'd like to personally thank those who choose to be the shelter in the storm.

30 Days of Thankfulness: Day 7

I am thankful for my calling as a mother. 

I know I am lucky to have my biological children, so many people I know have not been able to conceive. I am saddened for them. That sadness only makes me appreciate what I have been given even more.

I am equally blessed in being chosen to be the temporary mom to all of our previous and current foster kids and those who will come in the future. One day I may even get to be an adoptive mom to one or more:0)

I feel incredibly lucky to be able to stay home with my children and home school them as well. 

I know that staying home with your children is not all that popular in today's world, but I count it as a blessing. I have not had to work outside of our home with the exception of a short stint, when my oldest was very young, to help earn what we needed to move into a bigger place that would allow me to have a daycare at home, which lead to us becoming a foster family...

 

God is in control. I am thankful.

Holler, shout, kick, scream, and bite

Life with foster children can be incredibly challenging. I am sure I could write a lot about the wonderful times, I think people want to know about the tough stuff too.

I have had many a toddler (or 7 year old with toddler-like behavior) in my home. Having ran an in-home child are for nearly 8 years before embarking in foster care, I have seen a lot. The kids in child are varied from family to family as to what was an acceptable way to demonstrate anger, sadness and frustration, most choices were tolerable for me and my family.

Foster kids on the other hand, have had an even more varied and unstable home life leading them to some pretty ugly places when they have those same feelings. We have had some incredibly talented screamers, whose superpowers allow them to scream incredibly loud and high pitched and sound like someone is trying to murder them for periods of time up to 5 hours. It is ear shattering. It is patience testing. At times, it's unbearable.

We have our own way to deal with it, acceptable to some, perhaps not to others. Children are allowed to scream as long and as loud as they want, only they must do it in their bedroom with the door shut, or weather permitting the may go outside and hoot and holler in the pasture. The choice of location is not theirs, the duration of the tantrum is. I believe this takes away the power they are trying to gain over the poor people forced to hear and witness the tantrum. If it doesn't bother us, it loses leverage.

Then there are the biters. Biting is nasty and mean. Biting is incredibly personal. Biting is dangerous, especially if the skin is broken, and often times it is. Mouths are full of germs that can cause infection in the poor human being bitten. Biting is simply not tolerated. A child who bites is put in a time out chair and instructed to keep their hands over their mouth, because their mouth was mean and bit. First though the child who was bitten is cuddled and loved on with a lot of " I am so sorry so-and-so bite you. His mouth was mean. Are you ok? Do you want ice for your boo boo?" You get the idea. Very little time is spent with the biter. "You sir, need to put your hands on your mouth and sit in time-out. We bite food, not people." Is this effective? Sometimes. It usually is to some degree. It makes the biter aware that he or she will not get what they want by biting and intact will win attention for the child they have chosen to bite..... If the child is old enough, he will be able to make retribution for biting by spending at least 30 minutes playing with the child they bit, whatever that bitten child wants to play.

I AM OPEN TO SUGGESTION ON THIS ONE. :0)

Hello... Hello... Is anybody out there?

I don't know about you, but I have had many times in my life where I am so wrapped up in my own family and the craziness that ensues with our lifestyle that I begin to wonder if we are in fact the only people on the with the following struggles. I can go days or weeks without having a meaningful conversation with anyone not living within the walls of our home. I am consumed by the screaming and fit throwing, poop smearing and urine sprayed on walls, floors and people. I am buried in  laundry, dirty floors, nasty diapers, vomit, and daily routines. Every few seconds it seems that someone has bit, hit, kicked, pushed, shoved, yelled at, or somehow offended another member of the household.  There is not enough time in the day to be a decent wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, and friend. I struggle to maintain a semi~clean house, fed and clean children, happy kids and a husband who feels as appreciated and loved as he really is... ( I am really quite blessed  with my husband). I go to bed daily wondering how I could've been more efficient, better prepared, more patient, more loving, calmer in the face of the the nine millionth tantrum that week. I question my skills, my talents, my motivation. I dog myself for my shortcomings and failures. I criticize myself for being too critical towards my children. I review my ability to be judgmental, I am saddened at my ridiculous expectations and standards used to measure others.

Then I clothes my eyes, and pray. I ask for forgiveness for the multitude of sins. I ask for a renewed spirit of love, patience, and kindness. I pour my heart out to the Creator, Father, Savior. I find peace in that time with Him. I am thankful for the grace, and mercy that seems never ending. I am reassured. I am ready to do it all again in the morning, or in a few hours should one of the little ones decide not to sleep through the night.....again.

Another round of sickness...more missed events :0(

This past week has been another fan-stinkin-tastic one. It began with "Coco" and the fever and then slowly made its way through the whole crew. We are talking about some serious bouts with vomit, fever, snot, coughing and diarrhea. Yippee! I have bee incredibly busy. Yesterday it hit me. I am pushing through, kind of.
In the midst of the illness we had another child move in. He is 7 years old and has been asked to leave a lot of placements in the past nearly 2 years. I was leery about taking him in after the trio. They were hard kids, and I do not want to add to this little dudes trauma by not being able to handle him. The hubs and I talked about it, and decided that this is what we do. We take in the hard kids. Someone has to, why not us? So to all of my praying friends please keep us in your prayers. I am hopeful that we can make this his last placement before he moves home with his mom, (which I hear shouldn't be too very long).
As for the rest of us, we are adjusting to a slighly different pace. It is wonderful to have moments of quiet. I have missed that. "Earth" is regressing some. He really wants to be a baby like the "Princess" and"Curly". That has not been as fun as it might sound. A nearly five year old doing his business in his pants is NOT at all fun. I think he is done with that now. Let's hope :) "Coco" and "Baby B" are doing really well with the little kids. I think they needed a change of pace. The Dad is hiding out in the shop, or "working" a lot. LOL No, really he has been super busy playing catch up from our out of state last month. This sickness has seemingly skipped him.
I missed two of my nieces birthday parties this week. It doesn't help that they were so close together, but they didn't choose to be born on the same day. I feel bad. It seems like I miss a lot of family functions due to some illness or another. Some how the kids can't seem to let any sickness pass without taking it for a ride through our family. I can only hope that my family can understand.

Transition of the Trio...

This last week has been transition week for the trio. I have driven back and forth to the current home of the parent they will be living with. They have been super thrilled to have visits on a more regular basis. They are excited to be living with their birth family again. Their birth parent seems to have most of the ducks in a row. There is still a thing or two that would make me more comfortable if it was worked out, but it's not about me. It's about them, and the needs of their family.

 Right?

Its funny, (not funny~ haha, but funny~ different) how this transition feels compared with some of the others we have experienced.  Also funny, is how ready I am to let the kids go. I love them. I am ready to give them back to their family. These kids have been the hardest kids we have had in a very long time. I didn't realize just how much time they took to manage until they slept over with the parent and I had 3 toddlers and my birth 2 and the house was peaceful, and relaxed. I am a bit ready for that for a while.I will worry about them, and welcome them back, if the need arises. For now, I am ready for a change of pace.  Although, there is another kid in the system whom I would love to welcome to our family, and rumor has it, this little one may be looking to be moved from the current placement. Pray they ask us to take this one in! Or that I get to keep contact with the child.

Do you have any questions about the transition process? Foster parenting? Other? Please leave a comment and I will answer to the best of my experience and ability.

Our adventure and the new additions....

Sorry once again for my lack of posting. The past couple of weeks have been full of spontaneous adventure, leading my family across 5 states, to and fro, in eight days! We had a great time visiting with family we have not seen in over a decade. My boys met their Wisconsin grandma for the first time. We rescued our niece from a bad situation. She has come to stay with us. Life is good. As usually, BUSY, but good.

After returning from our trip I received a call from DHS asking our family to take in two more kiddos. How could I say no? These two are really sweet, loud, a little mean (mostly to each other) and absolutely adorable. They are a boy, age 2 and his sister, age 3. Of course neither of them is potty trained, so back to diapers for me! Oh well, it is totally worth it. They are that much fun. I admit it, I LOVE toddlers.

So, lets recap our household for new readers... In order of residence in our home.
My wonderful, hard working, self employed, husband and all around plaything and father.
Me, otherwise known as "mom" or in our house more often referred to as "MOMBA" Don't ask, I don't know exactly how that one morphed.... lol
Our oldest biological son, "Coco"(12).
Our youngest bio son, "Baby~B"(9) .
The trio... 2 boys, 1 girl. who we shall call "Rock Brain" (6), "Space Invader"(3), and" Nosy  Nelly"(8)
Our Niece, (young adult) Sasha.
The only child, boy,  "Earth.Wind, Fire" (4)
The newest two girl(3) "the princess" and her brother (2) "Curly"

Yep, that makes 11 people in our home. I'm loving it!

It's transition time again.....

I talked with the kids caseworker today. It seems that they have a tentative return home schedule. They should be going home sometime next month. This is the point where I am usually really heartsick and devastated. I would spend the next hour spelling out all of my concerns and sorrows. Not this time. It is weird, I think I am beginning to mature as a foster parent. What? Me? Mature? Seriously though, my husband and I had a nice discussion this morning about how we are ready to have the kids go home. I don't think we have ever really felt that way before. Please don't misunderstand, I am going to worry about them terribly, and miss them like crazy. It's just that my heart is prepared for all of that this time, in a way it never has been before. Maybe because we were never asked if we would be willing to keep this family forever. Adoption was never mentioned. Maybe we are just really settling in to what it really means to be a foster family. Hey, better late than never. So that's where we are, preparing for this family of kiddos to fly the coup, leave the nest, or a better way to think about it, preparing to be reunited with their biological family. As always, prayers would be wonderful.

The "Softer Side" (of Sears)

It's funny to me how often I am asked for advice on parenting difficult children.
I certainly do not feel like a stellar example of grace, poise, patients, forgiveness, and all of the other qualities a mother should be. I am flawed. Seriously flawed even.
I lovey kids. I love my foster kids. I try to love without prejudice. I try to look past the behavior and see the heart of the child. Some days I feel pretty successful, other days....not so much. Some days I am to harsh. To hurried. To self-righteous. Sometimes I find that I have spent more of the day disciplining (you know, timeouts, lectures,chores, etc) behaviors that maybe should've been looked at from a different angle or overlooked altogether. Behaviors that maybe don't mean what any person initially would think. Maybe I could've praised the good choices more and paid less attention to the not-so-wonderful choices.
That is where I am today. Feeling a bit guilty and ashamed of some of the harsher judgements and consequences and lack of praise and understanding. That is where my dear hubby has been known to call "the softer side of sears" time to step back and let them learn love, trust, and gentleness. I pray that Heavenly Father will give me the patience and understanding needed.

I will leave you with a few little laughs. They are so funny because they are true... Not the way we should think, but often how we do think.... (Do you like how I said "WE" when in fact I am speakiming of me.....?)
Sorry the graphics are goofy, I took them from Facebook and put them on here from my phone.....

What a fabulous day!

Today was a great day. The sun was shining the kids were playing nicely together, the hubby and I enjoyed the afternoon chillin on the porch watching the kids and talking. We bought a nice three lane slip-n-slide, it was an instant hit with the kids. They played so hard that a couple of them were begging to go to bed at 7pm! Good times were had by all.
We finished the day by cleaning up around the property and slapping a bit of paint where it was needed. I feel pretty good about this day! Smiles :0)

It's almost time for summer vacation!!!!!

Hi friends. <shameful, sheepish, grin>

Its been ages since my last post. 

I could bore you with all the reasons. 

I won't. 

 I will say I am sorry. 

 I hope to catch up on some of the interesting things that have gone on in the past couple of months. Like

•  Chicken pox, aka , polka-dots! Yes, the kids have all been vaccinated....not that the chickenpox care.....
• The arrival of our fourth foster kiddo (currently living with us, not the fourth ever) We call him Pie. He is 4, and cute as a button, and full of mischief, and a bit of a sprinkler..... Don't worry, I will go into more detail soon. 
• Hanging with the biological family. Not mine :0)
• IEP planning. I love, love, love working with public schools! <insert sarcasm>
• The Broken arm, or not....
• Trying not to let tantrums take control of our home.
• Vomit, vomit, vomit......
•  Transitioning home?

We have six kids currently, I am loving it, and sometimes not so much. What? You want honesty right? Most of the time it is great. Sometimes I am tired and cranky and just need two stinking minutes to myself. Mostly it is great :0) The first few weeks with a new kid is always an adjustment. No matter what the child has experienced, we have a lot to learn about each other. There are always boundaries being tested, and for whatever reason, each of the other children in the house has to make sure we still know they are here. I hope to be better about posting in the future. Summertime is probably my favorite time of the year! No school for the kids in public school (we don't have the option to homeschool our foster children) and a lot more relaxed schooling for our boys. I am very excited for all of the wonderful teaching opportunities the summer has in store for us! I love the trips to the library, watching our kids devour book after book. I love nature walks and camp outs (at home, but that is another story). I love the green grass and the warm sun. I love watching the kids in the sprinkler and pool. I love quiet reading time and family chore time. So much to love about summertime. Popsicles and play dates at the park. Cousins sleeping over.Grandpa and Grandma taking the kids for a few camp-outs. Canning with my kids. Canning with my sister. Canning salsa with my cousin. Teaching the kids how to weed the garden. Yummy, fresh from the garden, veggies. Farmers fruit stands opening up everywhere. Trips to the river. Yay for summer. What are your favorite things to do in the summer?

Love the rain clouds. Do you see the          eagle?            =>

When life gets busy...

Hi!

I don't mean to have been absent for so long. One of the perks of being a mom and foster mom is that life gets super busy at times. I feel like I have been running around like a chicken with it's head cut off! LOL~ too graphic? hmm, maybe :0)

In the past few days I have been swamped with doctors appointments, visits from a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) worker, no school days. valentines day, Skating trip with my crew and my sister's crew, out of control whining from two kiddos, three kids waking up at ALL hours of the night, one who can't seem to fall asleep before 2 a.m.and wakes again by 5(!), bickering like no other, 2 puppies chewing and peeing on everything, visit schedule changes and biological parents canceling visits after we have arrived at the visit location, three heartbroken kiddos who don't understand why their dad stopped coming to visits about 3 weeks ago, and mom has been late or a no show for 4 of the last 5 visits. But hey, I should make time for my blog. After all, I want more readers..... (on a side note, thank goodness for my mom and dad allowing the kids to spend a couple of nights with them!!! Each of our boys get 2 nights alone and our foster kids are getting to spend their first weekend with them! Thank you mom and dad!)

 I am sorry for those who have missed me.I think that is the point of my post today. As a foster parent, I find myself being sorry for missing a lot of things, birthday parties, outings, family gatherings, time for phone calls, etc. Choosing to be a parent AND a foster parent as well as a wife and home educator, or any of many other hats we moms can wear, can be taxing on our spare time. We have to make choices and prioritize things in our life that we wouldn't have to otherwise and sometimes the kids make the decisions for us. Sometimes the house stay a little (or A LOT) messier than we would like. Some relationships suffer our silence for a while. Some sleep is lost, never to be found again, or at least it feels that way. Our days are not our own. We are not our priority, we must give of ourselves in order to bless our family and foster children, (even if we don't feel like it today!) Someone once told me that "we can't please EVERYONE, ALL of the time." So we have to do what is right for those in our homes first.... Some events will be missed. Some feelings will be hurt. In the end, we will have served our husbands, and children well. Our children and  foster children will have memories of our loving and secure homes. They will look back on time spent in our homes and know they were important, loved and cherished. Most likely none of them will remember the week you were too exhausted to mop the kitchen. They will remember feeling comforted when they were hurt, felt scared. sad or angry. They will remember being listened to and hugged.  They will have fond memories of safety and laughter, love and protection. Or at least that is what I hope they take away from our sacrifices made for their well being.

What do you think our kids and foster kids will remember? What do you want them to look back on as adults? Do you miss things for the benefit of your family? Chime in! I'd love to hear from you.

What about you, Parenting advice you didn't ask for:0) Attention seeking.

What do you do when your child makes a lot of choices knowing full well they are against the rules? What about the child who notices all of those choices and suddenly becomes a saint who can't seem to do enough chores and/or gifts of service for mom and dad? What if they are foster children? What if they are adopted? What if they are your biological children? Does any of that change your perspective or corrective action?

The following (as with all of my posts) is my opinion based on my life experiences. :0)

I can only talk about my own experiences and they are limited to being raised in a two parent home, living as a two parent family with biological sons and foster children who change fairly frequently, aunt to 7 adopted foster children, an only child niece, 8 years as a childcare provider and friend to a few other family scenarios. So I am limited, very limited. Also, I am fairly conservative. I don't buy into the whole idea that children need to be protected from failure, natural consequences,  emotional pain (not to be confused with abuse) or other things I consider facts of life. I believe children (and adults) benefit from getting through the tough stuff. Eventually :o)

I believe children from different backgrounds implement attention seeking tactics for different reasons, and therefore should be handled differently. A child who has lived in an abusive, neglectful, violent, unstable or other wise unsafe home, resulting in being placed in foster care, should not be disciplined in the same fashion as a child born to you, living with you (a loving mom and dad), in a safe environment. If we agree so far...

Life is NOT easy...

I have incredibly fond memories of elementary school. I remember my friends and a lot of the fun we had. I remember the birthday parties, the sleep overs, bike riding, and playground activities. I fondly remember a couple of my teachers, who touched my life in ways that have helped to make me the person I am today. I remember my mom, it seems like she was ALWAYS there for me. She came to games, and cheered me on. She was smiling in the audience of every choir or drama performance. She held me when I was sad, or sick, or needed to be snuggled. My dad was always the firm hand in our family. He was very consistent in my discipline. He was also the first to praise me when I had behaved well. He wrestled with me and my friends. He took me to Dairy Queen for a banana split when he needed to spend one on one time with me. He took me camping often, and let me bring friends along. My brother zipped me into an old army sleeping bag and drug me all over the house. He picked on me relentlessly, always taking my little sisters side of any argument, often promising that he would take my side when she turned 7 ( our little inside joke) I remember riding a low tree branch and taking turns trying to "buck" each other off. I remember sharing a room and playing with my sister, a lot. I remember the three of us making mud pies and hunting snakes and frogs. I remember our family dog, cocoa, and a multitude of orange cats named Fred. I remember my Aunts and Uncles being very involved in our lives. I remember cousins so close they were like siblings. I remember my grandparents. It seems that we went to their house nearly every weekend. I have many wonderful memories from time spent at heir house. My young years we great, fantastic even. (so was the rest of my childhood, but that is for another post :o)

Am I bragging? No. I don't think my elementary years were all that different from most children in my peer group.  Parents were parents and proud to fulfill their responsibility to raise respectful, responsible, self-confident, loving children into adulthood. Our needs as children came first, ahead of the needs and desires of our parents. Our discipline was more important than our parents being our friends. Our praise for hard work came naturally to them, or so it felt. Our redirection for correcting our mistakes were of equal importance. We knew our parents loved us unconditionally. We could count on our parents to be. there for us, no matter the need. We knew the consequence of our actions before we even broke the rules. We could count on being taken to the doctor when we were sick, whether or not we had insurance was irrelevant and kept between the ones who needed to know, our parents and the doctor. We knew very little about money and its abundance or scarcity. We were a family. We enjoyed our dinners together around the table, and knew who would be responsible for clearing the table and cleaning the dishes. We thanked our moms for the meal she prepared and knew that if she cooked something we didn't care for, we either ate it anyway or went hungry. My dad always said my mom wasn't a short order cook and we could eat the food she made for us or go without. Life was good, not perfect, but pretty darn good.
  When I look at my kids I know that they are being raised very similarly to my own childhood. A few exceptions are obvious to those who know us. We homeschool. I am the disciplinarian and refer to my husband as the kids big brother at times and use him as "the hammer" when things get too much for me in the sass and disrespect department. He is phenomenal at inspiring the kids to change their attitude :0). We have foster kids who come and go fairly regularly. Other than that it's pretty close to how I remember my childhood, or at least the key elements of it.

That brings me to the reason for my post title. Life is NOT easy, or fair for that matter. I am so heart broken when I look into the eyes of our foster children and think about all of the rotten messages they are being given, or drawing to conclusion based on their situations... It makes me sad that their living situations are as they are. Living with strangers. Visiting briefly with their parents. Wondering why their lives are they way they are. Going to school after school, feeling like an outsider in all aspects of their lives. Coming home from school feeling alienated. Kids saying "ew, I don't want to stand by her" or telling other kids that you are nasty or gross. Fearing for your safety, and/or the safety of your family members. Nightmares about past abuses. Reliving traumatic situations inside your head that you can't talk about, after all it's a "family secret not to be told." Living in fear of being left alone, or moved again, or separated from your siblings. Wondering if your dad is hitting your mom or the other way around. If they aren't, wondering if it was your fault they did when you all lived together. Feeling guilty for loving the foster family you have, feeling like you are betraying your own family. Feeling the pressure to learn how to behave in a household so vastly different from the one you are used too. Being judged and medicated for your behaviors that you learned out of necessity to survive the environments of your past. Not feeling loved. Not feeling liked. Not feeling a sense of family. Wondering what each day, each moment will bring. Will you be hit today? Will you be fed? Will you see your family? Will you be hugged? What about tomorrow? And the day after?

It is hard to be a foster parent. It is hard to be a foster sibling. It is hard to share your home with strangers who act so differently from your version of normal family life. It is harder to be a displaced child. Nightmares that can't be consoled. Anxieties that can't be relieved. Fear of the unknown and known alike. Feeling inadequate. Or Nasty. Remembering all the good and BAD from your past and wondering if you will ever have good times living with your family. Feeling guilty for wanting to go home to your birth family and frightened of the very same thing. LIFE IS NOT EASY....

Please take a moment to pray for all of the displaced children. Pray for them to find comfort in their foster or adoptive family. Pray for the recovery of their birth families and restoration of their homes. Pray for their caseworkers and lawyers. Pray for their foster families to find patience and grace and mercy for their maladaptive behaviors. I for one know that I would be grateful for the prayer.

Christmas with foster children....

It's the most wonderful time of the year! The weather turns cold, snow begins to fall (even if only off in the distant mountains :o). The energy in the house is high. Excitement is written all over the faces of the children. Their minds full of wonder and enchantment.  We parents are excited too! We run about trying to make this a special time for all the kiddies. We decorate with crafts made by the children. We sing carols. We bake cookies and tell countless stories about the birth of our Savior. We buy gifts and wrap them up beautifully. We want this to be a memorable holiday season. We subconsciously want to bring about so much joy that our birth children will remember our traditions and not just the behavior of the other children in our home.

We try to make our foster children feel like a part of our family, to feel loved and accepted, safe and secure. They seem to warm up to us, or not. So do, some don't, and we try not to take it personally, even though it really hurts. We lavish them with attention and praise. We search for ways to make them feel "at home." We want to heal the hurt of missing the family they were born into. The family that is supposed to be the rock of their foundation, and currently isn't able to be. We try to bandage the pain caused by people, who have in one way or another, failed to keep them at "minimally adequate" standards of health and safety; thereby losing custody of them for a time. An unidentified period of time, at that. The kids hearts are broken. Emotions run high. They are angry, sad, confused, and altogether out of balance. It's Christmastime and the kids are totally out of sorts. The screaming is intense. The random acts of seemingly unprovoked violence and rage abound.  The utter disrespect for authority is astonishing, and hurtful. The impulsive and irrational behavior choices are off the charts. The property destruction immeasurable. We rush around trying to make the world or at least our little corner of it, wonderful. And they seem to be working against you with all of their might. It's hard. For everyone, biological kids, foster kids, biological parents and foster parents. Hard.

We need to remember that all foster children had experiences we, as foster families, will never know about. There are so many aspects of their lives we cannot even begin to fathom. They are in a world that makes little to no sense to them. Their hearts are broken and yet full of love. They love our home and feel guilty, like they are betraying their mom and dad. Sometimes they live with their siblings, sometimes not. Often when they are separated from the siblings they know very little about their whereabouts at all. Life for them is very hard. Unpredictable even. One day they were at home with what they considered to be a normal family. Their lives were suddenly disrupted and they were removed from the family they have known their whole lives (or some version of that). They are taken to a foreign home with foreign people and told very little.

It is difficult to handle the emotions and behaviors during the holiday season. I write this for our comfort, you are not alone. I am not alone. We are doing the work of our Heavenly father by bringing these kids into our families. One day they might look back on this time with love and remember how patiently we nurtured them and how we included them in our family traditions. Our children can see the most spectacular example of Christ~like love in our dealings with foster children and caseworkers and biological families, if we choose to love with the heart of Christ.  I pray for peace and comfort for all of the families with foster children and all of the families who are a part if the village it takes to raise a child.
 
Merry Christmas and have a wonderful year full of love and patience. :o)

Cool things I read about motherhood this week, :0)

A wise woman builds her home is a blog I have recently come to read. I have found a lot of inspiring and uplifting posts. This week was no exception. Please pop over and read  this guest post. I don't know about you but this blog post touches my heart. I hope we all can remember (more often then not) that our callings as  homemakers, wives, and mothers are our most important callings with eternal rewards for ourselves and our families. I know I could use a reminder from time to time. I think we all have to remember the importance of our job as a wife and mom against the majority of the world insisting that we could be, have, or do, so much more. We have the ability to do many things, limitless really, but nothing is as powerful or respectable as being a wife and mother. I believe there is no higher calling. We affect the lives of the next generation. We influence their tomorrow, with love and training today. I consider myself privileged to be able to stay at home and raise my children and assist in raising  foster children. There is nothing I would rather do.

Raising Olives has posted a neat  homemade and yummy smelling craft fro the kids to make. Imagine some other creative shape to make for year round fun (I'm thinking I will make some for dresser drawer air fresheners, think it will work?)

Life in a shoe has some great posts on feeling a little bah-humbug, or learning to see Christmas from a different angle if you have a bah-humbug attitude.

How to be Superwoman is one of my favorites too. She is not a blog writer with a really big following, but I get a lot of hope, laughter and encouragement from her. I really understand what she is talking about here.

Ok. I shared some of my favorites, I'd love you to leave a comment with some of yours.

Finding time, enjoying the moments, spreading the love :0)

As a stay at home mom, home school mom, foster mom, or whatever other mom hat I am wearing, I am often asked how I do it? How do you find time for yourself?or How do you have a good relationship with your kids, if I was around mine all day I think one of us would be (fill in the blank)... or some other such question about how I manage to have a head full of hair, lacking in bald patches :0) and a close relationship with my husband and ALL of my kids and foster kids.... It's really not all that complicated. Let me explain...

There are a  few very important things to remember... (in no particular order)

The time you once had for yourself is no longer there. You chose to be married and to have kids, they come first, always. That is not a bad thing. It is a true blessing to be a wife and a mom. We just have to find things to do around our homes to have a few moments to renew our patience, and relax a bit. I personally like to hide in my room and fold laundry while watching a t.v. show, or take a bath, or read quietly on my bed. I also like to clean in a room that is not occupied by others. All of those activities gives me a little productivity mixed with some space to think. ( I also like the occasional weekend where the kids stay at grandma and grandpa's house ;0)

It is important remember that our children are not a burden, but a joy.  Sometimes I feel short tempered with my kids. Often when I look at the reason I feel that way, it has to do with some perceived denial of something I feel entitled to at the time. For example, freedom from redonkulous games of 1000 questions, or the ability to use the bathroom, not only alone, but, without someone hollering at me through the wall about someone else infringing on their right to privacy or some other such nonsense. We moms have to remember that our time is no longer our own, and just as our children will likely not go off to college in diapers, we will also not have their continual questions and the ability to be their hero forever. We are lucky to be entrusted with the care and nurturing of tiny people, who will one day be grown up and on their own. We have a limited amount of time to love on them and dote on them and teach them. We teach them to have a servants heart by demonstrating our own ability to lay down our desires to accommodate their needs. I have to remind myself often, I don't think dying to self comes naturally to most of us, but with time and continual practice we can get better at it. My husband has an honest gift in this department. He has the ability to see the kids as entertaining, comical, and a source of joy. He actually comes by it naturally and I find myself envious of that trait, because it doesn't come so naturally to me. :0)

You can have fun while staying home with your kids. I find myself feeling shorter tempered, more easily agitated, and finding less joy in the little things, when I am on the run. I have found it to be better to plan outings in one or two days during the week, if possible. I try not to have to leave the house for appointments as much as possible. Sometimes having foster kids can add to the struggle to stay at home, I have asked therapists and CASA workers, caseworkers, and skills trainers, come to the house, whenever possible. I try to schedule doctor and dental check-ups for more than one kid in the same day. I would like to say I am consistently good at this, but it is not always possible. I also try not to commit to outside activities that are not necessary. When you are trying to train new children on how to behave, it really makes things hard on them (and you) if you are always dragging them around outside of the home. Once the skills are attained at home, then I will make more outings to practice the same skills in a variety of social settings.  I just find that being home is an easy step to having a less chaotic life. Kids like board games, coloring,  play-doh, tag, hide and seek, bike riding, snuggling up on the couch for a good story, or other home based activities; as much as a trip to the park, or other outing.

Your husband deserves your time and attention, even if you are tired. If you have the privileged of being a stay at home mom, you need to show you appreciation to your husband for his hard work, which allows you to do just that. Even if you help with some kind of side job or other means of income, your husband still deserves to feel appreciated.  The number one complaint from husbands seems to be that their wife, who once thought he hung the moon, is now devoting ALL of her time and energy on the children and he feels neglected. This ladies, is a sad state of affairs, one we all have likely participated in. I have found that much like the flowers or compliments we love to receive from our hubby, he appreciates small acts of kindness to him. A nice warm bath, with attention paid to him, or an "at home spa day" complete with foot saok, calf massage, and back/shoulder rub with yummy smelling oils are great too! They really enjoy it when you take the time to show interest in something they are really in to, even if it's football or NASCAR, or fishing (if you are lucky, he will bait your hook and remove slimy fish for you too!) My point is, it doesn't take a lot. My husband is really happy to get special attention, just for him. I feel good too! It is amazing how wonderful it feels to give a gift of time or service to my husband and see his face light up. After nearly 14 years, he still needs to know that he is the hanger of the moon and stars....

Children want to feel special too. All of them..... It doesn't matter if you have 2 children or 15 or somewhere in between, they ALL desire some one on one attention with Mom (and Dad). If you homeschool, a lot of time is given in the day to their education and interests. They will enjoy time with you, especially if you make sure they know you are enjoying time with them. Each of my kids has a special talent around the house, and I make sure they know that I see their talent and appreciate it. One of my kids likes to cook, and is quite good at it. One of my kids is fantastic at reading to little ones and keeping their interest. One of my kids is really happy to do housework along side of me. One is really great at helping remind the 2 year old to use the potty. One is great at stacking random things and knocking them over! Woot ! Woot!
(Well, he is only 2 :0) All of those talents lighten my load in one way or another. I try to make sure the kids know  I notice, and that I am truly grateful.


See, not so hard, right? We will all inevitably mess up on one or more of these skills. That is OK. We just have to try again, practice again, sacrifice our natural comforts and tendencies, in order to create a loving and nurturing home enviornment for the people we love the most.  They deserve it, so do you :0)

How do you make your family feel special? What do you do to take a moment out for yourself?