Holler, shout, kick, scream, and bite

Life with foster children can be incredibly challenging. I am sure I could write a lot about the wonderful times, I think people want to know about the tough stuff too.

I have had many a toddler (or 7 year old with toddler-like behavior) in my home. Having ran an in-home child are for nearly 8 years before embarking in foster care, I have seen a lot. The kids in child are varied from family to family as to what was an acceptable way to demonstrate anger, sadness and frustration, most choices were tolerable for me and my family.

Foster kids on the other hand, have had an even more varied and unstable home life leading them to some pretty ugly places when they have those same feelings. We have had some incredibly talented screamers, whose superpowers allow them to scream incredibly loud and high pitched and sound like someone is trying to murder them for periods of time up to 5 hours. It is ear shattering. It is patience testing. At times, it's unbearable.

We have our own way to deal with it, acceptable to some, perhaps not to others. Children are allowed to scream as long and as loud as they want, only they must do it in their bedroom with the door shut, or weather permitting the may go outside and hoot and holler in the pasture. The choice of location is not theirs, the duration of the tantrum is. I believe this takes away the power they are trying to gain over the poor people forced to hear and witness the tantrum. If it doesn't bother us, it loses leverage.

Then there are the biters. Biting is nasty and mean. Biting is incredibly personal. Biting is dangerous, especially if the skin is broken, and often times it is. Mouths are full of germs that can cause infection in the poor human being bitten. Biting is simply not tolerated. A child who bites is put in a time out chair and instructed to keep their hands over their mouth, because their mouth was mean and bit. First though the child who was bitten is cuddled and loved on with a lot of " I am so sorry so-and-so bite you. His mouth was mean. Are you ok? Do you want ice for your boo boo?" You get the idea. Very little time is spent with the biter. "You sir, need to put your hands on your mouth and sit in time-out. We bite food, not people." Is this effective? Sometimes. It usually is to some degree. It makes the biter aware that he or she will not get what they want by biting and intact will win attention for the child they have chosen to bite..... If the child is old enough, he will be able to make retribution for biting by spending at least 30 minutes playing with the child they bit, whatever that bitten child wants to play.

I AM OPEN TO SUGGESTION ON THIS ONE. :0)

What about you, Parenting advice you didn't ask for:0) When they won't get ready for school...

Have you ever had a foster kid who fights you on EVERYTHING? It feels like that, at times. There is a reason for it. You may NEVER know that reason. What you can know is, what you will do to deal with the behavior. I am about to tell you what I do in the "Won't get ready for school" situation. I give the child an hour to get ready. I check on them every 15 minutes and announce "we have to leave in ~~~ minutes, and we will leave on time." 

I believe it is important to say that in the most positive, sunshiny voice you can muster. (If you know me, you know that I am not a morning person. Sunshine nor sweetness exude from my personality naturally in the morning.) Then be prepared to take said child to school, in their pj's, hair messy, no socks, teeth un-brushed, rotten spirited, etc. I have found it works really well when the teacher and principal are aware of the plan. They tend to be supportive (in my experience). It will not likely be pretty the first time. Remember, they likely have no reason to believe you will follow through, until you do.
It is really embarrassing dropping a kid off looking a mess. Remember, it is your job to provide them with the time, skills, and necessary items to be prepared, NOT to bathe and dress them. The shame and embarrassment belong to them. I remind them as they exit the vehicle that I love them and I hope they have a great day, just like I would any other day.

This is pretty effective.

Does that mean the kids gets ready for school easily every day there after? NOPE! It means I have successfully handed over the responsibility to them. I have made one more fight go away. They choose shame or  pride. They choose!!! They own it. It is not my fight!!!! Whoo hoo! And it doesn't hurt that the kids at school will likely tease them and motivate them to get ready the next day.

If they get teased a bit, you get the opportunity to bond with them by comforting them, all the while reinforcing their choices. I like to say that I love them enough to teach them right from wrong, and allow them to choose. Be prepared to be sweet, and loving,  while NOT taking the burden of their choice. They get to own it. Be genuine. It's ok to hurt for them a bit, after all, we want what is best for them.

"Well silly, I love you and I think you look a little goofy in your pajama top and that skirt too. Look in the mirror. Do you think you look funny or do other kids dress like that at school?"

"I'm sorry you were teased. I wonder if there is anything you can do differently in the future to make your hair less silly looking to the kids at school?"

"Oh, that sounds like a rough day. I wonder what would happen if you chose to get all the way ready tomorrow?"

"I'm sorry she hurt your feelings. Do you think your breath smelled like a trash can because you chose not to brush your teeth before school? I know I don't like people with yuck mouth to talk close to my nose, do you?"

"Well, would you think a kid in their pj's at school looked silly? It's not nice to tease people, but I kinda understand why they were giggling. Do you?"

You get the idea.....

What about you? How do you deal with a child not getting ready for school in a timely manner? Please share. Feel free to comment or link back to your own blog. Just remember to keep it clean and friendly.

When life gets busy...

Hi!

I don't mean to have been absent for so long. One of the perks of being a mom and foster mom is that life gets super busy at times. I feel like I have been running around like a chicken with it's head cut off! LOL~ too graphic? hmm, maybe :0)

In the past few days I have been swamped with doctors appointments, visits from a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) worker, no school days. valentines day, Skating trip with my crew and my sister's crew, out of control whining from two kiddos, three kids waking up at ALL hours of the night, one who can't seem to fall asleep before 2 a.m.and wakes again by 5(!), bickering like no other, 2 puppies chewing and peeing on everything, visit schedule changes and biological parents canceling visits after we have arrived at the visit location, three heartbroken kiddos who don't understand why their dad stopped coming to visits about 3 weeks ago, and mom has been late or a no show for 4 of the last 5 visits. But hey, I should make time for my blog. After all, I want more readers..... (on a side note, thank goodness for my mom and dad allowing the kids to spend a couple of nights with them!!! Each of our boys get 2 nights alone and our foster kids are getting to spend their first weekend with them! Thank you mom and dad!)

 I am sorry for those who have missed me.I think that is the point of my post today. As a foster parent, I find myself being sorry for missing a lot of things, birthday parties, outings, family gatherings, time for phone calls, etc. Choosing to be a parent AND a foster parent as well as a wife and home educator, or any of many other hats we moms can wear, can be taxing on our spare time. We have to make choices and prioritize things in our life that we wouldn't have to otherwise and sometimes the kids make the decisions for us. Sometimes the house stay a little (or A LOT) messier than we would like. Some relationships suffer our silence for a while. Some sleep is lost, never to be found again, or at least it feels that way. Our days are not our own. We are not our priority, we must give of ourselves in order to bless our family and foster children, (even if we don't feel like it today!) Someone once told me that "we can't please EVERYONE, ALL of the time." So we have to do what is right for those in our homes first.... Some events will be missed. Some feelings will be hurt. In the end, we will have served our husbands, and children well. Our children and  foster children will have memories of our loving and secure homes. They will look back on time spent in our homes and know they were important, loved and cherished. Most likely none of them will remember the week you were too exhausted to mop the kitchen. They will remember feeling comforted when they were hurt, felt scared. sad or angry. They will remember being listened to and hugged.  They will have fond memories of safety and laughter, love and protection. Or at least that is what I hope they take away from our sacrifices made for their well being.

What do you think our kids and foster kids will remember? What do you want them to look back on as adults? Do you miss things for the benefit of your family? Chime in! I'd love to hear from you.

What about you, Parenting advice you didn't ask for:0) Attention seeking.

What do you do when your child makes a lot of choices knowing full well they are against the rules? What about the child who notices all of those choices and suddenly becomes a saint who can't seem to do enough chores and/or gifts of service for mom and dad? What if they are foster children? What if they are adopted? What if they are your biological children? Does any of that change your perspective or corrective action?

The following (as with all of my posts) is my opinion based on my life experiences. :0)

I can only talk about my own experiences and they are limited to being raised in a two parent home, living as a two parent family with biological sons and foster children who change fairly frequently, aunt to 7 adopted foster children, an only child niece, 8 years as a childcare provider and friend to a few other family scenarios. So I am limited, very limited. Also, I am fairly conservative. I don't buy into the whole idea that children need to be protected from failure, natural consequences,  emotional pain (not to be confused with abuse) or other things I consider facts of life. I believe children (and adults) benefit from getting through the tough stuff. Eventually :o)

I believe children from different backgrounds implement attention seeking tactics for different reasons, and therefore should be handled differently. A child who has lived in an abusive, neglectful, violent, unstable or other wise unsafe home, resulting in being placed in foster care, should not be disciplined in the same fashion as a child born to you, living with you (a loving mom and dad), in a safe environment. If we agree so far...

Christmas with foster children....

It's the most wonderful time of the year! The weather turns cold, snow begins to fall (even if only off in the distant mountains :o). The energy in the house is high. Excitement is written all over the faces of the children. Their minds full of wonder and enchantment.  We parents are excited too! We run about trying to make this a special time for all the kiddies. We decorate with crafts made by the children. We sing carols. We bake cookies and tell countless stories about the birth of our Savior. We buy gifts and wrap them up beautifully. We want this to be a memorable holiday season. We subconsciously want to bring about so much joy that our birth children will remember our traditions and not just the behavior of the other children in our home.

We try to make our foster children feel like a part of our family, to feel loved and accepted, safe and secure. They seem to warm up to us, or not. So do, some don't, and we try not to take it personally, even though it really hurts. We lavish them with attention and praise. We search for ways to make them feel "at home." We want to heal the hurt of missing the family they were born into. The family that is supposed to be the rock of their foundation, and currently isn't able to be. We try to bandage the pain caused by people, who have in one way or another, failed to keep them at "minimally adequate" standards of health and safety; thereby losing custody of them for a time. An unidentified period of time, at that. The kids hearts are broken. Emotions run high. They are angry, sad, confused, and altogether out of balance. It's Christmastime and the kids are totally out of sorts. The screaming is intense. The random acts of seemingly unprovoked violence and rage abound.  The utter disrespect for authority is astonishing, and hurtful. The impulsive and irrational behavior choices are off the charts. The property destruction immeasurable. We rush around trying to make the world or at least our little corner of it, wonderful. And they seem to be working against you with all of their might. It's hard. For everyone, biological kids, foster kids, biological parents and foster parents. Hard.

We need to remember that all foster children had experiences we, as foster families, will never know about. There are so many aspects of their lives we cannot even begin to fathom. They are in a world that makes little to no sense to them. Their hearts are broken and yet full of love. They love our home and feel guilty, like they are betraying their mom and dad. Sometimes they live with their siblings, sometimes not. Often when they are separated from the siblings they know very little about their whereabouts at all. Life for them is very hard. Unpredictable even. One day they were at home with what they considered to be a normal family. Their lives were suddenly disrupted and they were removed from the family they have known their whole lives (or some version of that). They are taken to a foreign home with foreign people and told very little.

It is difficult to handle the emotions and behaviors during the holiday season. I write this for our comfort, you are not alone. I am not alone. We are doing the work of our Heavenly father by bringing these kids into our families. One day they might look back on this time with love and remember how patiently we nurtured them and how we included them in our family traditions. Our children can see the most spectacular example of Christ~like love in our dealings with foster children and caseworkers and biological families, if we choose to love with the heart of Christ.  I pray for peace and comfort for all of the families with foster children and all of the families who are a part if the village it takes to raise a child.
 
Merry Christmas and have a wonderful year full of love and patience. :o)

Finding time, enjoying the moments, spreading the love :0)

As a stay at home mom, home school mom, foster mom, or whatever other mom hat I am wearing, I am often asked how I do it? How do you find time for yourself?or How do you have a good relationship with your kids, if I was around mine all day I think one of us would be (fill in the blank)... or some other such question about how I manage to have a head full of hair, lacking in bald patches :0) and a close relationship with my husband and ALL of my kids and foster kids.... It's really not all that complicated. Let me explain...

There are a  few very important things to remember... (in no particular order)

The time you once had for yourself is no longer there. You chose to be married and to have kids, they come first, always. That is not a bad thing. It is a true blessing to be a wife and a mom. We just have to find things to do around our homes to have a few moments to renew our patience, and relax a bit. I personally like to hide in my room and fold laundry while watching a t.v. show, or take a bath, or read quietly on my bed. I also like to clean in a room that is not occupied by others. All of those activities gives me a little productivity mixed with some space to think. ( I also like the occasional weekend where the kids stay at grandma and grandpa's house ;0)

It is important remember that our children are not a burden, but a joy.  Sometimes I feel short tempered with my kids. Often when I look at the reason I feel that way, it has to do with some perceived denial of something I feel entitled to at the time. For example, freedom from redonkulous games of 1000 questions, or the ability to use the bathroom, not only alone, but, without someone hollering at me through the wall about someone else infringing on their right to privacy or some other such nonsense. We moms have to remember that our time is no longer our own, and just as our children will likely not go off to college in diapers, we will also not have their continual questions and the ability to be their hero forever. We are lucky to be entrusted with the care and nurturing of tiny people, who will one day be grown up and on their own. We have a limited amount of time to love on them and dote on them and teach them. We teach them to have a servants heart by demonstrating our own ability to lay down our desires to accommodate their needs. I have to remind myself often, I don't think dying to self comes naturally to most of us, but with time and continual practice we can get better at it. My husband has an honest gift in this department. He has the ability to see the kids as entertaining, comical, and a source of joy. He actually comes by it naturally and I find myself envious of that trait, because it doesn't come so naturally to me. :0)

You can have fun while staying home with your kids. I find myself feeling shorter tempered, more easily agitated, and finding less joy in the little things, when I am on the run. I have found it to be better to plan outings in one or two days during the week, if possible. I try not to have to leave the house for appointments as much as possible. Sometimes having foster kids can add to the struggle to stay at home, I have asked therapists and CASA workers, caseworkers, and skills trainers, come to the house, whenever possible. I try to schedule doctor and dental check-ups for more than one kid in the same day. I would like to say I am consistently good at this, but it is not always possible. I also try not to commit to outside activities that are not necessary. When you are trying to train new children on how to behave, it really makes things hard on them (and you) if you are always dragging them around outside of the home. Once the skills are attained at home, then I will make more outings to practice the same skills in a variety of social settings.  I just find that being home is an easy step to having a less chaotic life. Kids like board games, coloring,  play-doh, tag, hide and seek, bike riding, snuggling up on the couch for a good story, or other home based activities; as much as a trip to the park, or other outing.

Your husband deserves your time and attention, even if you are tired. If you have the privileged of being a stay at home mom, you need to show you appreciation to your husband for his hard work, which allows you to do just that. Even if you help with some kind of side job or other means of income, your husband still deserves to feel appreciated.  The number one complaint from husbands seems to be that their wife, who once thought he hung the moon, is now devoting ALL of her time and energy on the children and he feels neglected. This ladies, is a sad state of affairs, one we all have likely participated in. I have found that much like the flowers or compliments we love to receive from our hubby, he appreciates small acts of kindness to him. A nice warm bath, with attention paid to him, or an "at home spa day" complete with foot saok, calf massage, and back/shoulder rub with yummy smelling oils are great too! They really enjoy it when you take the time to show interest in something they are really in to, even if it's football or NASCAR, or fishing (if you are lucky, he will bait your hook and remove slimy fish for you too!) My point is, it doesn't take a lot. My husband is really happy to get special attention, just for him. I feel good too! It is amazing how wonderful it feels to give a gift of time or service to my husband and see his face light up. After nearly 14 years, he still needs to know that he is the hanger of the moon and stars....

Children want to feel special too. All of them..... It doesn't matter if you have 2 children or 15 or somewhere in between, they ALL desire some one on one attention with Mom (and Dad). If you homeschool, a lot of time is given in the day to their education and interests. They will enjoy time with you, especially if you make sure they know you are enjoying time with them. Each of my kids has a special talent around the house, and I make sure they know that I see their talent and appreciate it. One of my kids likes to cook, and is quite good at it. One of my kids is fantastic at reading to little ones and keeping their interest. One of my kids is really happy to do housework along side of me. One is really great at helping remind the 2 year old to use the potty. One is great at stacking random things and knocking them over! Woot ! Woot!
(Well, he is only 2 :0) All of those talents lighten my load in one way or another. I try to make sure the kids know  I notice, and that I am truly grateful.


See, not so hard, right? We will all inevitably mess up on one or more of these skills. That is OK. We just have to try again, practice again, sacrifice our natural comforts and tendencies, in order to create a loving and nurturing home enviornment for the people we love the most.  They deserve it, so do you :0)

How do you make your family feel special? What do you do to take a moment out for yourself?

Do you parent a foster child the same way you parent your biological children?

I have been asked that question in various forms over the years. Simply put, No, I don't, but my goals are the same......

Why?

 Our birth children have and always will live in a healthy loving environment. They have been parented by my husband and I from birth. They know that we will never hurt them. They know we will always love them. They know they will always have a home with us. They know food is always going to be served throughout each day. They have a lot of responsibilities in and around our home and business. Life has and will remain consistent for them, barring any unforeseen tragedies.

Our foster children have not always been safe. Some have been left unattended for long periods of time, never knowing when a parent would return. Some have been hit, locked in closets, molested, degraded, humiliated, and/or exposed to other situations I once considered inconceivable. With each new foster placement come a whole new story of an unhealthy life. These stories are sad. devastating at times. I have had to fight back countless tears as a child tells of the horrors he or she has been through. They talk about being abused and seeing violence in much the same fashion as my kids talk about the weather. Like somehow their lives have been like every other child, normal. Often times they don't talk about how they used to live. They are afraid of getting in trouble, some have been told that telling "secrets" can get them taken away forever, or that mommy or daddy will go to jail. Some feel very tor, on one hand they are fearful of their home environment or someone from their home. On the other hand they love their families and feel sad or mad for being separated. Some are led to believe it is at least partly their own fault, or that they have the power to put the family back together; if they keep their mouth shut, or behave in one way or another at their visits or in the foster home. The variables are seemingly endless. Consistency in love, discipline, safety, being fed, bathed, or with family are luxuries to many foster children, ones they can't seem to be given.

Given the variance in skill taught,healthy emotions demonstrated, and other valuable pieces in a child's upbringing, would it be fair to ask the same of each child? I don't think so. I will excuse my children from the table should they choose to pass gas, or belch, or chew with their mouths open.It wouldn't be fair to do the same to a child who was never taught proper (or even somewhat decent) table manners. Would it? If that was a true statement, it seems the same would apply to my birth kids, in that they receive special privileges; a later bedtime, a new toy, a larger allowance, freedom to play outside without direct adult supervision, these are earned though helping out around the house and business, and completing their school work, and other good behavior choices.  I can't allow the same for the kids who cannot share the same responsibilities. I would lose my motivators, the kids all need incentives. Some foster kids are old enough for such privileges, but lacking the skill to handle the daily tasks of life, We want to help them learn the skills they have missed. As the skills improve so do the privileges. That much is true for ALL of the kids. We love them enough to teach them right from wrong, how to behave in multiple situations, listen to their hurts and excitement, how to manage their feelings, how to express love in a healthy way, how to be kind even when you don't want to... and on and on the list goes. Some children have this training from birth, others are asked to climb on in and get to learning a little later. All and all, life is good, for us all.....

What about you? Parenting advice, you didn't ask for :0)

I watched America's Supernanny( not to be confused with Suppernanny with Jo) last night on Lifetime. Have you seen it? Well, she touched on the subject I want to write about this week. BEDTIME, I know, that is the longest "four letter word" in some households.
So the nanny, whose name I cannot recall, taught this family to use a "calm down corner" with their toddlers, whenever they misbehaved. I SHOULD MENTION THIS FAMILY HAD TWO- AND- A- HALF -YEAR- OLD, QUADRUPLETS, as well as two older children roughly 8 and 10. She instructed the parents to put the toddlers in bed, and when they got up, tell them "this is your warning, if you get out of bed again, you will sit in the calm down corner." Then when the child inevitably slid out of bed, they were placed in the calm down corner, located at the other side of the home, in the dining room. One by one the toddlers were placed in the calm down corner, each for 3 minutes. The time did not start until the child was seated and quiet. So needless to say all of the toddlers found themselves out of bed for an additional hour to nearly 3 hours. While I support the idea of a naughty spot, quiet corner, time out chair, reflection bench, calm down corner and so on, I don't think this is the most effective approach to training your child or children to stay in bed at napping and bed times.
I believe the best approach is, establish a bedtime routine followed by a consistent bedtime. Some think a child of a certain age should be in bed by a certain hour, I don't. Every family is different, as is every child. In our home we have a child who attends public school and therefore needs to be up and functioning by 6:30 am. Her routine is, after dinner 1: Brush her teeth and go potty. 2: lay out all clothes and shoes for school the next day, get my ok on the choice :0). 3: Gather backpack and all items needed in the back pack. 4: Pick up the mess in her room. 5: Choose a DVD, CD, or book. 6: Lay in bed and enjoy your choice from step 5. Lights out and t.v. off at 8pm. She is in 2nd grade. She knows that if she wants to have choices in step 5, she needs to be respectful and follow house rules during the day. When she moved in less than 2 months ago, she had never had a bedtime routine ( or at-least not one that was apparent). It took 2 weeks to get this routine established, and reminders are still needed as she is incredibly forgetful and easily distracted.

The same is true for the 5 year old and 2 year old, with minor tweaking on the steps. They have been a bit harder to train. The 5 year old will do just about anything for a sticker, candy or t.v. time, I learned this early on and us it to my advantage. Some frown on this calling it bribery or manipulation, I don't. I see it as motivation. How many adults do you know, who would go to work everyday if they knew there wouldn't be a paycheck? Children need a paycheck too. A tangible "thank-you". A poster board full of stickers to remind them of their good choices. I sweet treat for a job well done. Do I tell them if they do this then they can have that? Nope. I purposely reward children around them who are making the kind and obedient choices, I want them to make. "OH! Bobby! How wonderful. I love that you are waiting patiently, to use the bathroom. Hey let's put a sticker on you good choice chart! Way to go! Thank you soooo much (insert huge hug here)." Guess what? Children often follow suit when they see the reward others are getting! Don't tell them we know. It's our little secret. OK? Thank you so much ;0)

Oh! Sorry, I got a little off topic, didn't I?
 
What do I do when the children with little or no training won't stay in bed? The first time they get up I will say something like "Jimmy, it's sleeping time. Stay in bed. (hug)." As I pick them up and gently place them in bed. I say that in a very sweet sing song voice, regardless of the child's age. After that I do not speak. I simply scoop 'em up and place them in bed, over and over for how ever long it takes for the child to remain in bed and fall asleep. In the beginning this can take hours. Over time, it gets faster and faster, With foster kids it takes time to establish routine. This piece is one of the first things we put in place when the kids move in. It serves a couple of purposes beyond establishing a good sleep pattern. It also shows the children that you will not get angry and yell. You will not be rough or hurt them. It shows the children that you will follow through with routines because you love them enough to teach them how to behave. It likely says more to them, these are just my favorites.

It is often very challenging in the beginning, especially with older kids who have learned to spew all kinds of hateful words. I find if you can avoid eye contact, you are better off. if you have a cool-headed spouse to help that is great too! Most of all, it is important to remember that it will get better, if you stick to routine. Another tidbit, if there are more than one child misbehaving at a time, I have been known to say things like, "children who want a movie will get in bed and be quiet for 10 minutes, and I will turn on the t.v."  I require a good choice from them BEFORE I will give the reward. If you say "get in bed and I will tyurn on the t.v. they learn to scream or what not to get a reward.  Sometimes I say. "Bummer, I was gonna turn on Veggie Tales if you were in bed" (insert sad face) it all depends on the child and the situation.

What about you? How do you train a child to stay in bed?

What about you? Parenting Advice, You Didnt Ask For :0) Temper Tantrums

Have you ever been at the grocery store, walking along, peacefully gathering your necessary items, when the candy bar isle distracts you? Not because of the chocolate. Or the sour patch kids. It's the screaming child in that poor woman's cart. His face is red and he is loud and what on earth is he saying? She looks distraught and reaches for the m&m's and gives them to him. He suddenly quiets himself and smiles while munching on yummy candy coated chocolate. Mission accomplished. Whose mission do you think I am talking about? Mom, after all, she got the kid to stop screaming? The little boy, I mean shoot, he managed to get the m&m's his mom most likely, initially said "no" about?

Or....

Have you ever been over at a friends house at bedtime? Her children are playing a board game when she announces "Bed time in twenty minutes" and the kids reply "thanks mom" and quietly begin to clean up the game and then they disappear. When they reappear, they have their teeth brushed, pajamas on, and all have gone to the bathroom. They give hugs and kisses and head down the hall. Mom follows after them and reads a chapter from the book they have been chosen, they all say prayers and the children are soon fast asleep. You sit there dumbstruck, reflecting on your bedtime "routine" snickering when you think the word "routine". She must have some amazing kids, I mean normal children don't go to bed like that. Do they?

Or...

Have you ever met a gal pal to have lunch with the kids and run some errands? While at lunch she tells the kids she plans to take them to the park to play after running errands. "First we will have lunch, then drop by the post office, run to Wal-mart for a few things and then to the park, if you make good behavior choices" The kids excitedly agree to behave. "Wow" you think to yourself,"how will she enforce the good behavior?" knowing very well that you would not set YOUR children to fail. I mean, no one actually follows through with "threats" like that. Do they?

Or...

Do you know a foster family with new kids in their home? The house is disheveled. Kids run amuck, screaming and hitting, biting and spitting, at every turn? She announces that lunch will be ready in ten minutes. Kids run to the table. Soon a fight breaks out over who gets to sit where. At first it is just yelling, quickly it turns to pushing and hair pulling. She walks calmly into the room and says " I don't mind if you fight. We just don't do it in the house. You are welcome to continue to fight in the yard or you can sit here and you can sith there." Both children protest. She had placed both children in a chair other than the one they were fighting over. They refuse to sit. They continue to yell and fight. She says, "You have ten seconds to chose, either stop fighting and eat or go outside and fight while your food gets cold. I should remind you that lunch lasts for 30 minutes and then the table will be cleared and eating time will be over." They have continued to fight while she is talking. One child sits, ready to eat. The other child wants to sit in the chair the sibling has just sat in. That child yells "I want to sit there! Move! That's my spot!" And rushes over, ready to physically remove the child from the chair. Foster mom say in a calm voice, " I see that your choice is made. Do you want to go outside by my feet or yours?" The child ignores her and keeps yelling. Your friend casually walks to the child a picks them up and delivers them to the porch. She says " when you are calm and quiet you are welcome to come in. There is 25 minutes left for eating lunch." And walks into the house. You make some excuse to leave wondering how on earth she does it. Those kids are out of control. There is no way their behaviors can be fixed. Can they?

I have been there. In all of those situations, oddly from both sides of the stories too! I want to share what I have learned over the years. I'm not saying my methods are quick or fail proof or easy for that matter.I am not saying they are for everyone. I am saying I have had a lot of luck and a lot less frustration, (often referred to as "anger" by people who want to be honest with themselves:0).

I will share some of  my experiences and how I deal with them.

This week tantrums at the grocery store.
Let's talk about the kid in  the shopping cart... If you are looking for a way to quiet the child right now, maybe the m&m's are a good choice. I do, however, recommend saying yes in the first place. A child learns quickly that throwing a fit will get them what they want. I believe you have to follow through with what you say. If you are looking at the long term and you want to be able to take your children grocery shopping without them expecting a treat, you may want to say no? That's when the hard part comes in, especially if the child has learned to throw fits to get his/her way. When they begin to cry and scream and hit and kick or some other combination of tantrum style behavior it is REALLY important to stay calm (on the outside :0) and try not to react. Kind of like when you were a child and your brother kept poking you and you mom said to ignore him and he would likely get bored of you not reacting and go away. Same thing here, your child needs to know their behavior choices have consequences for them, not you. It is easy to say, but takes a lot of practice. For me it does at least. Thank goodness I have so many kids to provide me with learning opportunities! Here is what I do... First take a deep breathe, preferably with your face away from your child. Then with a calm and quiet voice tell any other child who is behaving how absolutely wonderful it is that they are sitting so quietly, or walking where they were asked to be and any other behaviors you wish the misbehaving child would display. Peer pressure is amazing at times. If the child  throwing a tantrum tries to talk to me, while screaming I say "when your voice sounds like mine, we can talk." I will repeat that in a very soft, kind voice, over and over and over until I can't hardly stand it. Eventually the child will calm and quiet down; from lack of will, loss of motivation, finally understanding or sheer exhaustion. Whatever the cause I acknowledge them for choosing to be calm. Don't celebrate it, just a simple "its nice that you have calmed down." is sufficient. It's important that the child doesn't see the fit as having any affect on you.

I am going to be honest and say that if the child is a foster child from a neglectful home the tantrums may last a long time and be really ugly at first. This is important because we all need to know our limits and it might be a good idea to grab the essentials only and get out of the store. I think it is better to come back later then to let the child think they have the power to change you plans. I want the consequences of the child's behavior to seemingly only affect them. That will motivate them to change the behavior. After all, it gets boring to poke someone over and over without some kind of reaction :0) Smile, knowing you child will learn to manage themselves in time. It is worth the work.

What about you? How do you handle a tantrum at the store?

What about you? Parenting Advice, You Didnt Ask For :0) Potty Training

http://s938.photobucket.com/profile/BR_Taylor

Let's start with toddlers.

In my experience as a preschool teacher, daycare provider, foster parent and biological parent. I have potty trained  A LOT of different kids from  vastly different backgrounds.  I have been lucky enough to test out some theories. I will share what I have learned.


It is easier to praise a child for their good choices, and will ultimately encourage them to make more good choices.

For example: Taking the time to praise a toddler for keeping their underwear dry every 15 to 30 minutes goes a long way to encourage potty training and their own recognition of when they need to go. Conversely, disciplining a child for potty accidents associates bad feelings around using the potty.

I recommend keeping some kind of tiny reward in your pocket and routinely walking up to the child and saying: "Hey buddy, looks like your diaper/pull up/pants(whatever you choose to use) are dry! Way to go." Then give the child a sticker or smarty or other such reward. "This is for clean undies! Let's sit on the potty and see if you can go! Remember you get another sticker when you potty in the toilet!" 

As silly as it sounds, I recommend avoiding asking the child if they have to go or want to go, but rather ask them to try. "How about you sit on the potty and see if the pee pee comes out?" vs "Do you need to go potty?" In my experience most kids who are potty training are not reliably aware if they have to go, at least not at first. Regular intervals on the toilet will help them to learn the feeling of needing to go.

I also recommend NOT engaging with the child when they have an accident. Ask the child to remove soiled diaper/pull up/underpants, and put them in the tub with a cloth and say "Let me know when you are clean" Don't appear happy, sad, disappointed, just simply "You need to wash your toosh." or whatever and repeat the same phrase without emotion until the child has cleaned himself. Then ask him to clean any other area he may have soiled, bathtub, floor etc. Make sure he is responsible for ALL of the clean up. Then repeat the process of checking and rewarding for clean and dry underwear.

When the child successfully goes in the toilet, make a big deal out of it! I sing the potty song:

To the tune of "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow"

"child first name" went pee pee/poop in the potty
"child first name" went pee pee/poop in the potty
"child first name" went pee pee/poop in the potty
Cuz' He's/she's a really big boy/girl!

Kids love it when a song has their name in it!

Remember consistence/patience are key, and your child will not likely go to college in a diaper! :0)

What about you, How do you potty train a child?