What about you, Parenting advice you didn't ask for:0) When they won't get ready for school...

Have you ever had a foster kid who fights you on EVERYTHING? It feels like that, at times. There is a reason for it. You may NEVER know that reason. What you can know is, what you will do to deal with the behavior. I am about to tell you what I do in the "Won't get ready for school" situation. I give the child an hour to get ready. I check on them every 15 minutes and announce "we have to leave in ~~~ minutes, and we will leave on time." 

I believe it is important to say that in the most positive, sunshiny voice you can muster. (If you know me, you know that I am not a morning person. Sunshine nor sweetness exude from my personality naturally in the morning.) Then be prepared to take said child to school, in their pj's, hair messy, no socks, teeth un-brushed, rotten spirited, etc. I have found it works really well when the teacher and principal are aware of the plan. They tend to be supportive (in my experience). It will not likely be pretty the first time. Remember, they likely have no reason to believe you will follow through, until you do.
It is really embarrassing dropping a kid off looking a mess. Remember, it is your job to provide them with the time, skills, and necessary items to be prepared, NOT to bathe and dress them. The shame and embarrassment belong to them. I remind them as they exit the vehicle that I love them and I hope they have a great day, just like I would any other day.

This is pretty effective.

Does that mean the kids gets ready for school easily every day there after? NOPE! It means I have successfully handed over the responsibility to them. I have made one more fight go away. They choose shame or  pride. They choose!!! They own it. It is not my fight!!!! Whoo hoo! And it doesn't hurt that the kids at school will likely tease them and motivate them to get ready the next day.

If they get teased a bit, you get the opportunity to bond with them by comforting them, all the while reinforcing their choices. I like to say that I love them enough to teach them right from wrong, and allow them to choose. Be prepared to be sweet, and loving,  while NOT taking the burden of their choice. They get to own it. Be genuine. It's ok to hurt for them a bit, after all, we want what is best for them.

"Well silly, I love you and I think you look a little goofy in your pajama top and that skirt too. Look in the mirror. Do you think you look funny or do other kids dress like that at school?"

"I'm sorry you were teased. I wonder if there is anything you can do differently in the future to make your hair less silly looking to the kids at school?"

"Oh, that sounds like a rough day. I wonder what would happen if you chose to get all the way ready tomorrow?"

"I'm sorry she hurt your feelings. Do you think your breath smelled like a trash can because you chose not to brush your teeth before school? I know I don't like people with yuck mouth to talk close to my nose, do you?"

"Well, would you think a kid in their pj's at school looked silly? It's not nice to tease people, but I kinda understand why they were giggling. Do you?"

You get the idea.....

What about you? How do you deal with a child not getting ready for school in a timely manner? Please share. Feel free to comment or link back to your own blog. Just remember to keep it clean and friendly.

Ovarian Guilt....

I know I am NOT alone when I get to thinking that my life is crazy. I can't be. After all, I am NOT the only mom out there. I'm NOT the only homeschooling, foster kid having, stay at home, mom of many (well at least today there are many :0) I am NOT the only parent who has to get kids to therapy weekly, chat with caseworkers, deal with the biological parent visits, doctors, occupational therapy, speech therapy, psychiatric appointments, physical therapy, library, field trip, suspension, CASA worker, public school for some, homeschool for two, and on the list goes.

 I KNOW I am NOT alone. 

I am NOT special.

I am a MOM.

  It sounds like it, but I am also NOT complaining.

 I am making excuses. At the very least I am trying to justify my lack of attention to people outside of my home. I have guilt. I have heard this particular kind of guilt referred to as "ovarian guilt". We women are so good at making ourselves feel bad for, well, doing our job. I feel guilty for not making time for my friends. I feel guilty for not staying in touch with my sister, even though I know her plate is full with seven kids, a husband, a job, church activities, school activities as well as a bunch of the others I listed above... I feel guilty that I am not able to visit with my parents as often as I would like too, or my brother and his family.  I find comfort in knowing that I am giving my best to my family at home. My husband and children get my very best. They get all the time they need from me, and right now, I don't have a lot left over. My kids are benefiting from me being with them and loving on them and putting them ahead of the rest of the world. My husband feels special because I am able to give him some special time every night, either reading, or watching a show, or talking, I am even playing video games with him in the evening. It has been great for us. But the guilt remains....

Anyone have suggestions for alleviating said guilt? How do you balance it all? Leave me a comment with your suggestions or strategies. I'd love to hear from you.

What about you, Parenting advice you didn't ask for:0) Attention seeking.

What do you do when your child makes a lot of choices knowing full well they are against the rules? What about the child who notices all of those choices and suddenly becomes a saint who can't seem to do enough chores and/or gifts of service for mom and dad? What if they are foster children? What if they are adopted? What if they are your biological children? Does any of that change your perspective or corrective action?

The following (as with all of my posts) is my opinion based on my life experiences. :0)

I can only talk about my own experiences and they are limited to being raised in a two parent home, living as a two parent family with biological sons and foster children who change fairly frequently, aunt to 7 adopted foster children, an only child niece, 8 years as a childcare provider and friend to a few other family scenarios. So I am limited, very limited. Also, I am fairly conservative. I don't buy into the whole idea that children need to be protected from failure, natural consequences,  emotional pain (not to be confused with abuse) or other things I consider facts of life. I believe children (and adults) benefit from getting through the tough stuff. Eventually :o)

I believe children from different backgrounds implement attention seeking tactics for different reasons, and therefore should be handled differently. A child who has lived in an abusive, neglectful, violent, unstable or other wise unsafe home, resulting in being placed in foster care, should not be disciplined in the same fashion as a child born to you, living with you (a loving mom and dad), in a safe environment. If we agree so far...

Christmas with foster children....

It's the most wonderful time of the year! The weather turns cold, snow begins to fall (even if only off in the distant mountains :o). The energy in the house is high. Excitement is written all over the faces of the children. Their minds full of wonder and enchantment.  We parents are excited too! We run about trying to make this a special time for all the kiddies. We decorate with crafts made by the children. We sing carols. We bake cookies and tell countless stories about the birth of our Savior. We buy gifts and wrap them up beautifully. We want this to be a memorable holiday season. We subconsciously want to bring about so much joy that our birth children will remember our traditions and not just the behavior of the other children in our home.

We try to make our foster children feel like a part of our family, to feel loved and accepted, safe and secure. They seem to warm up to us, or not. So do, some don't, and we try not to take it personally, even though it really hurts. We lavish them with attention and praise. We search for ways to make them feel "at home." We want to heal the hurt of missing the family they were born into. The family that is supposed to be the rock of their foundation, and currently isn't able to be. We try to bandage the pain caused by people, who have in one way or another, failed to keep them at "minimally adequate" standards of health and safety; thereby losing custody of them for a time. An unidentified period of time, at that. The kids hearts are broken. Emotions run high. They are angry, sad, confused, and altogether out of balance. It's Christmastime and the kids are totally out of sorts. The screaming is intense. The random acts of seemingly unprovoked violence and rage abound.  The utter disrespect for authority is astonishing, and hurtful. The impulsive and irrational behavior choices are off the charts. The property destruction immeasurable. We rush around trying to make the world or at least our little corner of it, wonderful. And they seem to be working against you with all of their might. It's hard. For everyone, biological kids, foster kids, biological parents and foster parents. Hard.

We need to remember that all foster children had experiences we, as foster families, will never know about. There are so many aspects of their lives we cannot even begin to fathom. They are in a world that makes little to no sense to them. Their hearts are broken and yet full of love. They love our home and feel guilty, like they are betraying their mom and dad. Sometimes they live with their siblings, sometimes not. Often when they are separated from the siblings they know very little about their whereabouts at all. Life for them is very hard. Unpredictable even. One day they were at home with what they considered to be a normal family. Their lives were suddenly disrupted and they were removed from the family they have known their whole lives (or some version of that). They are taken to a foreign home with foreign people and told very little.

It is difficult to handle the emotions and behaviors during the holiday season. I write this for our comfort, you are not alone. I am not alone. We are doing the work of our Heavenly father by bringing these kids into our families. One day they might look back on this time with love and remember how patiently we nurtured them and how we included them in our family traditions. Our children can see the most spectacular example of Christ~like love in our dealings with foster children and caseworkers and biological families, if we choose to love with the heart of Christ.  I pray for peace and comfort for all of the families with foster children and all of the families who are a part if the village it takes to raise a child.
 
Merry Christmas and have a wonderful year full of love and patience. :o)

Cool things I read about motherhood this week, :0)

A wise woman builds her home is a blog I have recently come to read. I have found a lot of inspiring and uplifting posts. This week was no exception. Please pop over and read  this guest post. I don't know about you but this blog post touches my heart. I hope we all can remember (more often then not) that our callings as  homemakers, wives, and mothers are our most important callings with eternal rewards for ourselves and our families. I know I could use a reminder from time to time. I think we all have to remember the importance of our job as a wife and mom against the majority of the world insisting that we could be, have, or do, so much more. We have the ability to do many things, limitless really, but nothing is as powerful or respectable as being a wife and mother. I believe there is no higher calling. We affect the lives of the next generation. We influence their tomorrow, with love and training today. I consider myself privileged to be able to stay at home and raise my children and assist in raising  foster children. There is nothing I would rather do.

Raising Olives has posted a neat  homemade and yummy smelling craft fro the kids to make. Imagine some other creative shape to make for year round fun (I'm thinking I will make some for dresser drawer air fresheners, think it will work?)

Life in a shoe has some great posts on feeling a little bah-humbug, or learning to see Christmas from a different angle if you have a bah-humbug attitude.

How to be Superwoman is one of my favorites too. She is not a blog writer with a really big following, but I get a lot of hope, laughter and encouragement from her. I really understand what she is talking about here.

Ok. I shared some of my favorites, I'd love you to leave a comment with some of yours.

Finding time, enjoying the moments, spreading the love :0)

As a stay at home mom, home school mom, foster mom, or whatever other mom hat I am wearing, I am often asked how I do it? How do you find time for yourself?or How do you have a good relationship with your kids, if I was around mine all day I think one of us would be (fill in the blank)... or some other such question about how I manage to have a head full of hair, lacking in bald patches :0) and a close relationship with my husband and ALL of my kids and foster kids.... It's really not all that complicated. Let me explain...

There are a  few very important things to remember... (in no particular order)

The time you once had for yourself is no longer there. You chose to be married and to have kids, they come first, always. That is not a bad thing. It is a true blessing to be a wife and a mom. We just have to find things to do around our homes to have a few moments to renew our patience, and relax a bit. I personally like to hide in my room and fold laundry while watching a t.v. show, or take a bath, or read quietly on my bed. I also like to clean in a room that is not occupied by others. All of those activities gives me a little productivity mixed with some space to think. ( I also like the occasional weekend where the kids stay at grandma and grandpa's house ;0)

It is important remember that our children are not a burden, but a joy.  Sometimes I feel short tempered with my kids. Often when I look at the reason I feel that way, it has to do with some perceived denial of something I feel entitled to at the time. For example, freedom from redonkulous games of 1000 questions, or the ability to use the bathroom, not only alone, but, without someone hollering at me through the wall about someone else infringing on their right to privacy or some other such nonsense. We moms have to remember that our time is no longer our own, and just as our children will likely not go off to college in diapers, we will also not have their continual questions and the ability to be their hero forever. We are lucky to be entrusted with the care and nurturing of tiny people, who will one day be grown up and on their own. We have a limited amount of time to love on them and dote on them and teach them. We teach them to have a servants heart by demonstrating our own ability to lay down our desires to accommodate their needs. I have to remind myself often, I don't think dying to self comes naturally to most of us, but with time and continual practice we can get better at it. My husband has an honest gift in this department. He has the ability to see the kids as entertaining, comical, and a source of joy. He actually comes by it naturally and I find myself envious of that trait, because it doesn't come so naturally to me. :0)

You can have fun while staying home with your kids. I find myself feeling shorter tempered, more easily agitated, and finding less joy in the little things, when I am on the run. I have found it to be better to plan outings in one or two days during the week, if possible. I try not to have to leave the house for appointments as much as possible. Sometimes having foster kids can add to the struggle to stay at home, I have asked therapists and CASA workers, caseworkers, and skills trainers, come to the house, whenever possible. I try to schedule doctor and dental check-ups for more than one kid in the same day. I would like to say I am consistently good at this, but it is not always possible. I also try not to commit to outside activities that are not necessary. When you are trying to train new children on how to behave, it really makes things hard on them (and you) if you are always dragging them around outside of the home. Once the skills are attained at home, then I will make more outings to practice the same skills in a variety of social settings.  I just find that being home is an easy step to having a less chaotic life. Kids like board games, coloring,  play-doh, tag, hide and seek, bike riding, snuggling up on the couch for a good story, or other home based activities; as much as a trip to the park, or other outing.

Your husband deserves your time and attention, even if you are tired. If you have the privileged of being a stay at home mom, you need to show you appreciation to your husband for his hard work, which allows you to do just that. Even if you help with some kind of side job or other means of income, your husband still deserves to feel appreciated.  The number one complaint from husbands seems to be that their wife, who once thought he hung the moon, is now devoting ALL of her time and energy on the children and he feels neglected. This ladies, is a sad state of affairs, one we all have likely participated in. I have found that much like the flowers or compliments we love to receive from our hubby, he appreciates small acts of kindness to him. A nice warm bath, with attention paid to him, or an "at home spa day" complete with foot saok, calf massage, and back/shoulder rub with yummy smelling oils are great too! They really enjoy it when you take the time to show interest in something they are really in to, even if it's football or NASCAR, or fishing (if you are lucky, he will bait your hook and remove slimy fish for you too!) My point is, it doesn't take a lot. My husband is really happy to get special attention, just for him. I feel good too! It is amazing how wonderful it feels to give a gift of time or service to my husband and see his face light up. After nearly 14 years, he still needs to know that he is the hanger of the moon and stars....

Children want to feel special too. All of them..... It doesn't matter if you have 2 children or 15 or somewhere in between, they ALL desire some one on one attention with Mom (and Dad). If you homeschool, a lot of time is given in the day to their education and interests. They will enjoy time with you, especially if you make sure they know you are enjoying time with them. Each of my kids has a special talent around the house, and I make sure they know that I see their talent and appreciate it. One of my kids likes to cook, and is quite good at it. One of my kids is fantastic at reading to little ones and keeping their interest. One of my kids is really happy to do housework along side of me. One is really great at helping remind the 2 year old to use the potty. One is great at stacking random things and knocking them over! Woot ! Woot!
(Well, he is only 2 :0) All of those talents lighten my load in one way or another. I try to make sure the kids know  I notice, and that I am truly grateful.


See, not so hard, right? We will all inevitably mess up on one or more of these skills. That is OK. We just have to try again, practice again, sacrifice our natural comforts and tendencies, in order to create a loving and nurturing home enviornment for the people we love the most.  They deserve it, so do you :0)

How do you make your family feel special? What do you do to take a moment out for yourself?

Do you parent a foster child the same way you parent your biological children?

I have been asked that question in various forms over the years. Simply put, No, I don't, but my goals are the same......

Why?

 Our birth children have and always will live in a healthy loving environment. They have been parented by my husband and I from birth. They know that we will never hurt them. They know we will always love them. They know they will always have a home with us. They know food is always going to be served throughout each day. They have a lot of responsibilities in and around our home and business. Life has and will remain consistent for them, barring any unforeseen tragedies.

Our foster children have not always been safe. Some have been left unattended for long periods of time, never knowing when a parent would return. Some have been hit, locked in closets, molested, degraded, humiliated, and/or exposed to other situations I once considered inconceivable. With each new foster placement come a whole new story of an unhealthy life. These stories are sad. devastating at times. I have had to fight back countless tears as a child tells of the horrors he or she has been through. They talk about being abused and seeing violence in much the same fashion as my kids talk about the weather. Like somehow their lives have been like every other child, normal. Often times they don't talk about how they used to live. They are afraid of getting in trouble, some have been told that telling "secrets" can get them taken away forever, or that mommy or daddy will go to jail. Some feel very tor, on one hand they are fearful of their home environment or someone from their home. On the other hand they love their families and feel sad or mad for being separated. Some are led to believe it is at least partly their own fault, or that they have the power to put the family back together; if they keep their mouth shut, or behave in one way or another at their visits or in the foster home. The variables are seemingly endless. Consistency in love, discipline, safety, being fed, bathed, or with family are luxuries to many foster children, ones they can't seem to be given.

Given the variance in skill taught,healthy emotions demonstrated, and other valuable pieces in a child's upbringing, would it be fair to ask the same of each child? I don't think so. I will excuse my children from the table should they choose to pass gas, or belch, or chew with their mouths open.It wouldn't be fair to do the same to a child who was never taught proper (or even somewhat decent) table manners. Would it? If that was a true statement, it seems the same would apply to my birth kids, in that they receive special privileges; a later bedtime, a new toy, a larger allowance, freedom to play outside without direct adult supervision, these are earned though helping out around the house and business, and completing their school work, and other good behavior choices.  I can't allow the same for the kids who cannot share the same responsibilities. I would lose my motivators, the kids all need incentives. Some foster kids are old enough for such privileges, but lacking the skill to handle the daily tasks of life, We want to help them learn the skills they have missed. As the skills improve so do the privileges. That much is true for ALL of the kids. We love them enough to teach them right from wrong, how to behave in multiple situations, listen to their hurts and excitement, how to manage their feelings, how to express love in a healthy way, how to be kind even when you don't want to... and on and on the list goes. Some children have this training from birth, others are asked to climb on in and get to learning a little later. All and all, life is good, for us all.....