Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Free yourself from unnecessary negative thinking, its worth it! (IMO)

The purpose of this blog has been through a few changes since the first post. I am treating it as a life journal, sort of. I am not a polished writer. I love to tell stories and do so pretty well in person, most of the time. In writing, I am never sure how my words will be received.

If , Nah, WHEN my words get scattered and disorganized, remember I am trying to illustrate my process. How i get from a place of judgment to a place of love and understanding and non judgement. My process is messy. I circle round and round refining my thoughts until I am satisfied with my new found conscious actions and no longer reliant on subconscious reactions. I am trying to show some of my areas of unconscious and conscious judgement that I have had to look deeply at, process (Does it fit still? Did it ever fit? Do I even want to carry this as mine? Why did/do I feel like this is a good choice? Do I choose this behavior or do it from habit or practice?  Does this limit my view or expand it? Am I leaving room for another persons thoughts/ideas? Does this make me feel any particular way? If so, how do I feel, do I like it? Does it hurt someone? Does it lift me or others up? Is it healthy? Codependent? Loving? etc) I am trying to illustrate my process and hoping that my words will inspire me to keep searching and evaluation my life and how I live it.

 I have a huge life goal. Its complicated and yet seemingly simple. I want to be unconditionally loving towards all. I want to be free to be me, and free to love you exactly as you are. I don't see this as a task I can accomplish in any set period of time, but one to continually be working on for the rest of my life. There will always be room for improvement. There will always be another layer of conditions, carelessly, subconsciously placed on those I want to love unconditionally. I think this is true for most people. I think most of us have things that we can do to be more loving. We need to love others and ourselves with a lot less restrictions.

I've shared a couple of stories that show some areas of my past, conditionally loving nature. I have carried a lot of hate, and lived it too. The thing is, I wasn't aware that, that was what I was doing. It was subconscious. A part of who I was. A product of my life choices and chances. Some lessons are taught to us over the years, and serve us well. Some serve to protect some aspect of us that needs protecting (usually ego rooted self esteem, survival skill) I am not judging you for yours. I'm hoping you won't judge me either. But if you do, that is ok. I am working on accepting your judgement as a reflection of you, not me. We are mirrors to each other. My feelings about you and your life mirror my strengths and weaknesses. When you make me angry, I get to look deep inside and discover why? Is it intentional, or a reaction? Is it fair? Can I ask you questions and have you help me find out if I truly need to be angry or is there a more compassionate way to feel? You can do it too! Its a beautiful thing. 

Unconsciousness in behavior, (including feelings, actions, and more) to me,  is an act that we have not been made aware of. Its a natural instinct. Its a product of life's unpleasant lessons, quite possibly even lessons that we have not finished learning.  An example of that would be learning not to trust because we trusted people who didn't handle it with the care we would've liked. The next time we trust, its a little harder. The more we see people mishandle our trust, the more we grow our reasons not to trust the next person. 

Overtime, we have taught ourselves that people can't be trusted. Now maybe we feel alone. Now we look at our significant relationships and put them through the trustworthiness filter that we have developed from people abusing our trust. Maybe they pass, probably they don't. Our filter is full of hurt, sadness, failed relationships, and pain. Our filter is full of other people failing us. Our filter is full of things we know see as a precursor to mishandled trust.  Our filter is crap. ๐Ÿ’ฉ(In my opinion)

How do we fix our filter? How do we learn to trust? Who is responsible for that effort? Who is responsible for cleaning the garbage from our perspective? 

When we choose to look at our limiting perspective and evaluate its value, we can choose to keep it or re-frame it. We can say..."Wow, that was rude, and judgy! Not cool. I don't need to judge him by his appearance. I should be celebrating his comfort in his skin, now that is worth feeding!!" Or something like that. Identify the rub, evaluate its worth and re-frame your words to fit your truth. Its funny how many times a day I still get to do this. At first if felt bad, pointing out my may flaws. I really liked believing I was not judgmental and was very kind and loving....WRONG! It was in my face all day, errryday! Its still is, but now I am excited to see some knew way that I can make my heart open to love. I know it might sound silly to you, and that is perfectly ok. I really love looking for ways to grow my perspective, my views, my beliefs, my understanding, and my filter is getting better and better. It feels amazing! I have much more up days than down. I'm even learning how to apply those same loving skills to myself and the people closest to me. It has been liberating!!!

 When we turn to a perspective that encourages us to step out and be brave. When we choose to heal from past hurt, we can see that we are putting our pain, from past experiences, onto people who were not even there when the hurt infiltrated our filter.

 EXAMPLE:
  Getting mad at your SO for not seeing them get you a birthday gift, because past SO always (probably an exaggeration, unless you've only had one SO or ..???) Stewing on the possibility of them forgetting. Then acting grumpy because you know its gonna be like all the other birthdays where you felt unloved, forgotten, unimportant, pushed aside, neglected or something similar... Now your being Snarky at home. Maybe your even short tempered. Maybe your mumbling under your breathe about it. Maybe you sit silently, peering at them from the corner of your eye, watching to see if they are even thinking about you. OR YOUR FEELINGS.......

See, not fair. They shouldn't be held down by the actions of others. You have to change your mindset, or your behavior changes to match the words that run on a loop in your head. Or, at least that's how it happens with me, and quite a few other people I know, you can totally be different๐Ÿ˜‰

Allowing ourselves to forgive each time and more forward in life with an unclogged filter, allows us to freely love and accept people for who they are. It allows us to trust that people do the best they can with what they have. I believe a lot of pain and heartache, and mistrust, and anger etc stem from misunderstandings or misdirected creation/manifestation by focusing on the worst instead of the best... I have seen evidences in my life and I wonder if you look at yours if you will see that as well.......
Conscious behavior has intent behind it. We are aware of what we are thinking and feeling and we know why! We choose our behavior from this awareness!!! We know we are coming from a place of love and understanding. We are allowing love to run freely from us to others. We are welcoming. We are kind. And when we are not, we are aware.We choose this tool and use it with compassion,, and love for ourselves and others. We are setting boundaries to protect ourselves, but not to limit. We are looking for ways to expand ourselves and our life. We are free to move about in love. We are able to trust and be trusted. We are respectful of others and allow them to live as they see fit, and know that, that is the most loving thing we can do. For ourselves, and for the people we come into contact with. 

I choose to look for unconscious choices and filters and turn them into conscious! Who is with me?

Be well. Be you. Be LOVE. Be awakened to your unconscious behavior!

Please comment and share your thoughts and ideas.๐Ÿ‘ป๐Ÿ’ซ

Friday, May 19, 2017

When you feel down.....sharing my perspective.

For the past few days I have not been feeling quite like myself. I feel like my brain is cloudy. My intuition is wonky. My legs and most of my body feel, well....like they are vibrating. Nothing looks like its shaking, but I feel weird. Lots of ideas are spinning in my head. I feel like I am on a good path, but need to slow up a bit. Maybe you've been here too. So I am blogging about it.

I know everyone processes everything differently. I am not looking to put words to your life, but mine? Yes, I am only trying to put my life in perspective. I am hoping by being a bit transparent, someone will not feel alone. While the process is different, we all sense loss and sadness. We all celebrate our victories, and joy! Why not talk about how we deal with our struggles?

Struggles are not negative in nature. They are not positive either. I believe we assign each moment with its value, according to our own level of conscious and unconscious behavior.

Conscious behavior, to me, is when we fully understand why we feel the way we do. We know why this feeling about the situation exists. We have taken the time to reflect and make sure we are behaving (including inside our minds) and use this knowledge to set boundaries and keep ourselves in line with what we hold dear.

Unconscious behavior is when we behave out of instinct, or from a place where we can't truly explain why we acted that way. We may have had life experiences that have taught us how to react this way (like my stories in yesterdays post).

When we try to live in a conscious state, we have to look very deeply at ourselves. We have to dig deep and find the root of our choices. We have to ask ourselves the really hard questions. For me, a lot of them hurt. I am seeing myself in a whole new way. I am seeing others in a better light too. The things I don't love, I have to re-frame. And trust me, I've only just scratched the surface. I have a lot more growing and loving to do.

So, as I sit here today, feeling less than good, but better than bad, I can see the need to rest. I don't have to beat myself up for not getting the work I need to do done. Floors can be cleaned later, or by someone else today. I am using this time to do some reflection. I am using this time to connect with friends. I am using this time to soak up some sun. I will be back to good soon enough. This is a time for letting my mind wander. To dream of all the fun the summer will bring. To listen to the birds and watch the sun's energy dance off the tall grass. Its gonna be a great day!

Love to all!

What are you doing today?

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Expanding Perspective. Owning my hate. Owning my shift.

Along my life (journey) I have had a lot of  beliefs and practices, that I held dear. Many times, I have found myself considering how I developed them.(it's pretty constant and helpful, to me, these days....) Where did they come from? Taught or found. My truth or someone else's (and if not mine, why am I holding it?) Innate or programmed? What purpose does it serve?  Freeing or limiting? Energetic jump-start or drain? Uplifting or deflating? Ego or Spirit driven?

I have a plan I am developing, by practicing. when I find myself unhappy, or mad, or hurt, or offended or any other emotion that brings me down, I look at why I feel that way, and how I can re-frame it, in my mind,  to find the good, the lesson, the growth needed.  It looks like this, but often takes days to find answers (and I am finding, even those answers get modified when I am open to hearing more from Spirit, myself, my family, friends etc. Every truth I experience, ultimately makes room to re-frame my own truth, if for no other reason than to hold space for the truth of another.

For example, one of my truths is that sexual orientation and relationship type preference is as individual as the person. I hold space for all examples of loving relationships (caveat being that consent is a requirement for a loving relationship.) I have not always felt that way. It went something like this. Bare with me. I'm about to show a bit of my old, more limited and limiting perspective.

It began as "gays are going to hell and gross."  "Why would anyone want to do THAT to themselves?"  "Attention seeking behavior" And on and on....all the while , having NO CLUE I was hurting myself and the people I love, with this limiting viewpoint. Until....I knew. Then the embarrassment...which looked a bit like anger. (So this is the point in the show, where I tell everyone that not swearing is really limiting my flow of words....I'm a cussing mamajamma, and being respectful to readers, who may not even exist,  feels stifling......I guess I shall have to look into the Why's, although my first inclination is to say that I feel like my truth should be in my words. That's my ego checking in. "Hey lady, you have to be true to your own your words, if not, is it really your truth?)

Anyway, so here I am, sitting with this old truth, and friends and family being limited. Not feeling safe to be themselves around me and my truth. Just to illustrate how ridiculous it was....how insensitive, judgmental, and hurtful....pains me to remember it fully. I have an old friend. We met in middle school. She was a very close friend for much of my teen years. Insert 15ish years separated after High school, and we reconnect through FB. She tells me about her life and I mine. As she tells me hers, all I here is about her ex girlfriend, AND MY MIND TURNED. I was no-longer able to focus on the convo. All I could do was sit in my judgment seat and condemn her.  And to further demonstrate how limiting and unloving my perspective was....I told her that she was not allowed to discuss 'THAT LIFESTYLE'  in my home, because "I  don't want my kids to think its an ok choice for them." <~ total jerk move.  Who says that to someone and thinks its ok? I did. For years. THEN, I was butt-hurt that she ended up not being able to come over....and we never rescheduled....Not surprising now, but then, I was hurt. I WAS HURT<~WTH? (self centered much?) Thank you friend. I deserved the hurt, it led to the why(eventually). I am thankful for you defending your boundaries, that spared you some injury. Maybe I should tell you that......and how sorry I am. I'm as judgy jerk in recovery....I thank you for the lesson and hope to one day repair any damage my words and actions may have caused.

Fast forward and add a bunch of stories similar in nature, but often in my head. I was growing my openness to hate. (Placing conditions on my unconditional love...?)  Completely unaware.

Eventually, I saw my Judgment. I saw my lie I was selling myself. I saw my limiting perspective. But, how did I get it in the first place?I'm still mapping it out. I think my belief started as a child. It was normal to feel that way, celebrated even. Seems it still is in some circles, just not mine. Many churches I attended taught it as a sin. I bought it. Lots of my people thought the same way....some still do. I'm not judging them for it, each of our lessons come as we need them and some people are meant to believe differently...until they are not, or until they believe differently from yet another perspective. I think lessons come in layers. Like an onion. Or some other such thing.๐Ÿ’ฅ Judgments are everywhere, and some are good. Some protect us, some hurt. When they start to hurt us or the people we love, it pulls the judgment into the light. That is when we really get to start the work.๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿ˜‡๐Ÿ’ช Until then, the lesson has no value. ๐Ÿ’ฃ

I've had to look at a lot of judgments I hold or have held. I am working on breaking them down. I want to operate from a position of expanding perception, not limiting. ๐Ÿ‘€Soooo, when I find another judgy spot, I ask myself a lot of questions. I am no longer actively looking for people to fit my ideal, but expanding my ideal to hold space for all the people!

Some of my favorite questions:


Does this judgment hurt me or anyone (that I am currently aware of, prepare to revisit often๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜)? 

(((truth bomb)))I AM FINDING, FOR ME, THAT ALMOST ALL,, HURT ME...I am seeing that limiting others to my rules 
Looks like this:
"She stopped talking to me. Just shows, "they" are all about open-mindedness, as long as you agree....Such crap! (memories of all of the good-times flood my head. My heart sinks at the loss) Why did she ruin this? That hurt my feelings. I mean, I said I didn't judge her for it, hmph.... that's not judging, and I said I sure as hell didn't understand it. I mean, If you are bisexual, like, why even date girls? Can't keep a man? " Etc. Etc Goes the righteous voice is my head. Now my heart is racing. My face is pink. I am mad at her. AND I am not even seeing what I did wrong. I am the injured party. Her hurt does not even exist in my head. Not even on the radar. My light, and love for the world shrinks. I only see my take. I am not only holding a truth that they don't share, against them, I'm blaming them for my not being able to share my words with people.(ego: They always use your words against you. OR Maybe ego: Adds to your reasons to judge them, cuz they judgin' you, right? And heaven help you if you decide to confront them, that's a whole nother can of possibilities.) Or feeling unworthy of love,but thinking the answer lies outside of myself.,See, limits me more than them,.
Yup.
Needing you to behave "my way" leaves me feeling badly, thinking negatively, less compassionate, and with new reasons to place conditions on love.
Even if you don't know. I limit you, and it hurts me.
Take for example, I am out and about, doing my thang. And, BAM! 'The coolest gadget in the world! Jason will love it', 'I say! He is gonna be so freaking thrilled!' I tell myself. 'I can not wait to see his face,' I think, while envisioning his delight! By the time I get to the checkout. I am convinced I will be his favorite star in the sky! 'He will be so pleased! Jumping up and down! "Fantastic find, babe!" he'll say!' Big hugs, and kisses, I envision....I call home and tell him that I have found the coolest gadget ever! AND, Its a surprise (Yeah!!! Building the suspense is good, right?!!!)
I hand him the mystery gadget!
He looks at it.
His expression, flat.
Why does he look confused?
He's messing with me, I tell myself.
Wait, no! WTH!?!
He hates it. {sudden crash, no longer feeling the good vibrations, so to speak.}
Then I say, in my snarky voice in my head (ya'll know...๐Ÿ˜ˆ) "Do you even KNOW WTH it is? Why are you being like that. You wanna hurt me or something....etc" See now I'm pumped up in the negative, angry, hurt, sad, disappointed, belittled.....AND he did nothing.
But that's not how I see it.
My feelings are valid.
My feelings hurt, for real.
My feelings are real, to me.
The direction I am sending blame for them, not so much. I am hurting me. He has no idea. Or maybe he does? What I do know, for me learning that the first story in your head, is not the only possible story. And how to change it, if I don't like how it feels to own, is priceless. And I get to keep more people I love, in my Life, with less bricks on my prison๐Ÿ˜. Maybe that's true for you too? Maybe not.

I'd love to know your tools!
More sample Questions I use:
Does this feeling increase my happiness and love for mankind or limit it?
Can I make room for this value in my everyday life or does it drain my energy or turn my mood negative?
Whose behavior am I wanting changed ? I feel I only ever have the right to insist on a change in my behavior, for my comfort. Redirecting children isn't the same thing to me. That is guidance.
How can I see this from a positive (expanding)view, instead of this negative(limiting) hurtful stance?
When was the first memory of this thought, or idea?
ETC...

The point for me, is to see if the judgment or viewpoint still fits. If it does, I keep it. And its up to me to deal with the consequences of that decision. No one is under obligation to share my truths. NO ONE. AND that is liberating in its own right.

Your turn....What is your process? Want help finding it or implementing it? Have questions about mine(this is only a teeny, tiny, snippet of the process๐Ÿ˜œ ASK. I love to share and expand my understanding. Helping you helps me! (not a doctor, therapist, councilor, etc. Just a fellow Earth Traveler ready to help you, help,  you. (Seriously....who writes a blog and forgot all of her grammar and writing skills sometime around 20 years ago, if ever possessed...bare with me, forgive me, laugh with me, whateves!๐Ÿ˜•๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ˜ต๐Ÿ˜‚)

Monday, May 15, 2017

Finding the Lesson in the Struggle

Life is the journey. We are here for a purpose. Challenges plague us all. We look at the world through the lenses of our experiences. No two people ever have the same experiences or take away from them. Perspective is an individual thing. A practical example is color. Have you ever looked at the sky or a photo and seen the most beautiful blue green, then showed the same thing to someone else and they claim its sea foam, and yet another sees turquoise, and another only sees blue? Varying perceptions of the same color. Why is that? Our eyes are as individual as we are. All of our experiences are individual, even if they happen in a group setting.

What about triggers. The word used to describe an uncontrollable (or uncontrolled, unconscious) emotional and/or physical reaction, manifesting from your psyche. There are as many ways to be triggered as their are actions. Some are triggered by words. (raises her hand) some are triggered by noise, some by smell, some by color, some by memory, some by feelings of being unsafe, and on and on for infinity. Trigger as a word, has become a trigger. seriously, words can be damaging. They can also be uplifting. I don't see how to hold one truth, without leaving space for the other.

Preconceived judgement, that is damaging too. This one is a bit self inflicted, making it harder to see the way out from the trigger. A lot of us live in this space. Things like, I am too fat to be a public speaker. People will not respect me, because I am too fat and obviously that makes me weak in their eyes. So, instead of giving a talk, that could help people,  you stay in. Maybe you beat yourself up for over eating. Maybe you starve yourself as a punishment. Maybe you sit and hate on the people you think would judge you. Maybe all of your emotions try to surface, so you eat a box of donuts. Maybe you shut down, and belittle yourself in your mind. Maybe you get mad, and yell at all the wrong people for all the wrong reasons. No matter the choice or method of self deprivation. You are not helping yourself, or anyone else by letting your mind tell you how people may react, and only considering the negative effects. What if instead, you focused on your speech. You listened to your spirit and followed through in a brave attempt to bring peace to someone else? What if you got to see the light come on behind someones eyes, because your words had such a profound effect on them. What if your friends were actually proud of you, for stepping out of your comfort zone? Aren't those likely outcomes too?

I have noticed a pattern in American society (i doubt its limited to us though). We tend to gravitate to the negative more easily than the positive. Why? When something we don't like or understand happens, why do we look for a place for blame, and rarely within ourselves? It feels like if something happens, it is perfectly acceptable to us if we can take the blame from ourselves and put it on another. I am not sure that is the best way to handle our struggles. Yes, sometimes things happen through no fault of our own. Do we need to be a victim? Do we need to feel powerless? I think not. You can hold your truth here too. Mine is mine, yours is yours, but if you share your perspective with me, I am sure we both will grow in compassion, love, understanding, and perspective.

Uncomfortable events are happening to us and all around us. So how do we fix our eyes on the good? How do we leave the victim mentality behind? For me, something that has helped, is looking for the silver lining. Straight away, think, what can I learn from this and be a better person because of it? If I am afraid to speak, I shut my own worth down. I have devalued myself. And I might just hold someone else responsible for making me feel this way. More often than not, I would be doing myself a disservice by reacting this way. Now that I am aware of it. I have a new idea. I have a new approach. I want to share it with you. Maybe you will find value in it. Maybe you will think I have lost my mind, maybe something in between. I may never know. And I have decided to be sad about that, but ok with it. I'm sad because I want your ideas. That is all.

My new approach is to look at my own thoughts, and see what they are telling me. Am I projecting my fears or has someone actually said or done something with the intention of causing this negitive feeling inside of me? If I think they have, I ask. I say "When you said 'blah, blah, blah' i took it to me that you think I am not a good choice for this because I am 'whatever I feel they meant', is that what you were trying to say?" I ask clarifying questions, and tell them what I think they mean. I am usually wrong. I am way harder on myself than anyone has ever confessed to. I also know that people lie. That is ok too. I prefer the truth, but we all modify it to be more easily digested. Its ok to do that. We have to be comfortable with ourselves in order to be comfortable with others. So keeping your words kind, when you are angry, feels like a lie. BUT, when we react from a loving place, without condemnation or fear, or judgement, wow! miracles happen there!! Another helpful thing for me is the knowledge that people really do the best they can within their set of skills. We all have different strengths and therefore weaknesses too. Judgement is a door shutter. I want to be a door opener. I am working through my judgments, so I can see the beauty in everything. Its gonna take a while, but I am confident that it will be worth it.

I am sure Ill get more into this later. If any interest is shown, or if I feel the pull of Spirit to share more. Trust me when I say sharing is hard, but I think it helps too.

Thank you for reading and hopefully adding your thoughts, ideas, questions etc.

Be well. Be You. Be love. Beautiful.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Escaping my Prison, Join me?

Hello! I hope this post finds you all feeling well, happy, loved, and  so much more! Why limit the love?!!!
I am finding it hard to start writing this. I really want to pour my heart into this. I want to show all of my strengths and talents and flaws and shortcomings(trust me, there are many!). That is what I want to do. I want to paint you a picture, a portal to my soul. When you read my words I want you to feel like you really know me, because you will. I want to hold nothing loving back. I only want to use my ego as a tool to remind me to take care of myself. I don't want to feel like my ego is putting my light out. You feel me?
I want to know that I am safe sharing all of that. But, I am not. The kind of safe I want would allow for me to be open, honest, raw, exposed. I would know that no-one would judge me.  I would feel heard, valued, respected, and loved. I would know that your opinion of me would be positive. Oh, I could go on for days the extent of the definition of safe, in this situation...Well, it turns out that it really doesn't have to matter if I feel safe or not. My ego likes to feel safe. My spirit screams to be set free. The battle between the two has led me into my own prison. A prison built on a lie; that to be of value, I have to be  likable, acceptable, and different rules apply with different people...and on and on the restraints go. I feel shut in. I did it to myself. I passed judgement on people for  what I perceive their judgment of me would be. You know, like when you just know so and so thinks they are a better mother than you. (You can see it all over her face. Judgy little miss I am better than you! ) What if she's not thinking that, but rather you are feeling inadequate today (maybe you realized someone has on two shoes from different pairs, and there is a snot stain on your skirt from your sweet, teething, toddler.) Or what about when you feel like you should share something with someone, but they will think you have lost your mind....so you don't, and regret it. Sometimes resentment grows from here, and they never actually DID anything. It all happened in WHAT IF LAND or you know, your mind, thoughts, perspective...Another brick on your cell. See. NO good.  I don't thrive well in here. I want out. So, instead of fearing your judgments, I am going to be brave. I am asking for your love and support. I am asking for your words and ideas. Maybe if we are all a little brave, maybe, just maybe we can become examples to the world. That people of different beliefs, backgrounds, location, gender, and all of the other polarizing categories, can be unconditionally loving towards each other. That we can grow our consciousness, being aware of our actions and energies, and their effects on others. Watching love grow and expand between us and all whom we come into contact with (eventually, may as well have a BIG goal!).
I honestly do not care where you are on your path. I want to hear it. You are where you are for a purpose. Your struggles and successes will prepare you for your future. There is always a silver lining, some are just harder to see. Everything happens for a reason. There are many theories on this. Some believe we agree to our challenges before we are born. Some believe our challenges are payment for past karma or bad deeds that need settled (some add past lives to this grouping). Some say its because of the apple eaten in the Garden of Eden. There are a lot of theories and beliefs out there. I have barely scratched the surface on this research. Can you add to my knowledge? I would love it.
Thanks for reading, contributing and thinking with me.
Be well. Be you. Be love. Be you.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Hello! Its been a while....again. Things have changed...also, again.

Hello to my few remaining followers. I am back. And sorry. I have a lot of explaining to do. I will.

I do not consider myself so special as to assume I have any followers left who even remember that I exist in blog land...lol. If you are here its because you haven't purged your reader list or subscriptions. I am aware. I am not offended. I totally get it. I am holding space for any other reasons you may still be here as well.  Either way, I love you, and I have a lot of thoughts to share with you. Not sure it will be your cup of tea though. My entire take on home, life, world, universe, God, purpose and just about everything else, has shifted, and continues to shift. I'll get to that later. My point is, this blog may not be your jam. And that is ok.
Feel free to stay. Read. Comment. Share. Disagree. Agree. Discuss. Do all of those things, one, two, or more or feel free to leave. Really, its up to you. I will respect your choice. Promise. I do ask, if you stay, that you comment respectfully. All opinions, experiences, thoughts etc need to be shared in a loving way. Disagree. Share why, or what influenced you to feel that way. Share how you feel. Your perspective is valued here. Their are no wrong answers or ideas. They all matter. We just share from a positive light. We share to expand each others perspectives. Even if we disagree, we both (all) grow from seeing the situation from another persons heart felt, raw, unfiltered, truth. When we share in love, we share our lives, we grow in conscious awareness of another persons perspective, we begin to see how the other sees. Trust me, that is a good thing. Ill get to that too.
Okay, here goes nothing...or everything....we shall see! (I am excited! Are you?)

For those of you who stayed, or just arrived, or found this by mistake? (or other), Hi! When I finally started this blog, in 2012, I wanted a place to put my thoughts and feelings, and all the other stuff that makes up me, a life journal...yep, that is a good description. BUT, I struggle with my ego. My ego tells me that if I am honest and share my heart and soul, I will be hurting those I love. You know, people whose lives have affected (or effected, I cannot keep those two straight!) my life and therefore are part of my story. Yeah, those people. What if they read my ramblings, think, or know I am talking about them and BAM, now I've hurt their feelings, or maybe they think they have hurt mine!? I do not want that. Soooooo. I try to alter the truth, just enough that everything is vague to sunshine...instead of all the flavors in between. Those missing pieces are the ones I really want to document. I am documenting my growth. I grow by sharing and exchanging ideas with people who are open to the fact that life gets messy. I grow by hearing about your struggles, and successes. I grow from feeling angry, or hurt, or jealous, or sad. I grow when I can share my feelings and how I am learning that my perspective is often, dare I say always, different. I think we all have something to offer. I think we all have love inside us to share. I think the more we share, the closer to the truth we become. The less we share, the more isolated we feel. I think society makes us feel like having feelings is bad. Weak. Less and less people are sharing their truths. We stop growing in love. WE START US/THEM THINKING. We forget that our actions truly affect the lives of those around us. It starts a ripple effect(๐Ÿ˜•) We start identifying people by race, religion, country, gender, financial status, and on and on ∞. So.... my purpose here is to share my journey, and hold space for you to share yours, if you feel so inclined. Heavenly Father/God/Source/Universe/Creator of everything/Spirit (Big S, not little ๐Ÿ˜‰) holding space for other names and ways of identifying , . All of them, I am learning have value. Not all teachings are correct for everyone, but all hold value. Even if you only learn that you do not believe the practice,ritual,beliefs,etc are true(to you), it still helps to understand the other perspectives, belief drives us, understanding another's beliefs helps you (well me for sure. You have to/get to decide for yourself๐ŸŒป.) understand them! Really, truly, it does. The more I allow others to share with me from the listening to understand not judge, perspective! WOAH! Growth. Understanding you, changes me. I really don't think I am alone in this. Soooo.. ...... come on in....lets share our truths. Or you can just read mine and sit with it. Or whatever works for you. BUT I'd sure like you to interact. Cuz....sharing is caring.

In short, my views have expanded. I am making room in my heart, thoughts, soul for the endless possibilities this life has to offer. I am shedding my views that restrict my view. I am changing into a person who wants to practice unconditional love. I want to know you and have you know me. I want to be free to be me and hold my truths and still have space for you and yours. I want that with, and for as many people as possible. I want you to have that option too.
Want to join me on my journey and take me along on yours as you see fit? YAY! I have a few friends in mind to write up posts for us, sharing their souls and lives with us. If you want to as well, please let me know!

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Major life changes...


Over the course of the past twelve plus months a lot of things have changed around here. The most obvious would be the fact that we are no longer fostering kids.
At first, we thought it would be nice to take a short break. Especially after all the drama from that summer. My feelings were hurt. I was not alone in that anger & pain. The longer we went without having foster kids the more apparent it was that we were done, likely for good.
Now the anger is gone. I'm still a little baffled by the events leading up to our need for a break..... but I know it's for the best. I believe God has a plan for all involved. I am confident in that.
We have had a lot of time as a family to grow and heal. In fact I am the only one to openly discuss my feelings about the child who left with such short notice. Dakota and Brady are doing great. They are both in school this year and taking to it like a fish to the water.
Brady has already had a friend sleep over. That was a lot of fun for him. I look forward to the next friend to visit. I love hearing about his day when he comes home from school each day. He has some great stories. That kid is animated. (Some might say toooooo animated) Aside from the redicoulos clapping that erupts spontaneously, school has been great for him. He is lucky, his school starts just after 9am and therefore allows a him to sleep in quite a bit later than Dakota.
As a freshman, Dakota is at the high school across town. South Albany High School, home of the Rebels. Dakota is taking Spanish and Small Engines as his electives this year. He LOVES Spanish. He is doing great in his classes. His teachers say he works really hard. He is a teenager, and with that comes some serious mood swings! Holy roller-coaster Batman! I feel the stuggles, NOT my favorite part of parenting. I know this too shall pass..... In all honesty the past few days have been better and better. I hope we are on a long upswing. No matter what, I  love him. My heart just breaks for him when I feel like he doesn't know how to say what is on his mind. I can imagine how frustrating it is to look and feel grown-up but still have a few years left as a man-child. (If you read this Dakota, I love you).
Jason is great. His business is thriving. We are not rich, but we are getting along just fine. I get to help him in the shop a bit more, with the kids away at school. He stays pretty darn busy. (I love that man!)
We are getting to spend a lot more time together and it has been great. He is such a funny doood. Some of his stories are hysterical. I can't be specific, cuz that would not be polite. ;0)
All in all, life has changed... A LOT. And life is GOOD!