Thursday, May 18, 2017

Expanding Perspective. Owning my hate. Owning my shift.

Along my life (journey) I have had a lot of  beliefs and practices, that I held dear. Many times, I have found myself considering how I developed them.(it's pretty constant and helpful, to me, these days....) Where did they come from? Taught or found. My truth or someone else's (and if not mine, why am I holding it?) Innate or programmed? What purpose does it serve?  Freeing or limiting? Energetic jump-start or drain? Uplifting or deflating? Ego or Spirit driven?

I have a plan I am developing, by practicing. when I find myself unhappy, or mad, or hurt, or offended or any other emotion that brings me down, I look at why I feel that way, and how I can re-frame it, in my mind,  to find the good, the lesson, the growth needed.  It looks like this, but often takes days to find answers (and I am finding, even those answers get modified when I am open to hearing more from Spirit, myself, my family, friends etc. Every truth I experience, ultimately makes room to re-frame my own truth, if for no other reason than to hold space for the truth of another.

For example, one of my truths is that sexual orientation and relationship type preference is as individual as the person. I hold space for all examples of loving relationships (caveat being that consent is a requirement for a loving relationship.) I have not always felt that way. It went something like this. Bare with me. I'm about to show a bit of my old, more limited and limiting perspective.

It began as "gays are going to hell and gross."  "Why would anyone want to do THAT to themselves?"  "Attention seeking behavior" And on and on....all the while , having NO CLUE I was hurting myself and the people I love, with this limiting viewpoint. Until....I knew. Then the embarrassment...which looked a bit like anger. (So this is the point in the show, where I tell everyone that not swearing is really limiting my flow of words....I'm a cussing mamajamma, and being respectful to readers, who may not even exist,  feels stifling......I guess I shall have to look into the Why's, although my first inclination is to say that I feel like my truth should be in my words. That's my ego checking in. "Hey lady, you have to be true to your own your words, if not, is it really your truth?)

Anyway, so here I am, sitting with this old truth, and friends and family being limited. Not feeling safe to be themselves around me and my truth. Just to illustrate how ridiculous it insensitive, judgmental, and hurtful....pains me to remember it fully. I have an old friend. We met in middle school. She was a very close friend for much of my teen years. Insert 15ish years separated after High school, and we reconnect through FB. She tells me about her life and I mine. As she tells me hers, all I here is about her ex girlfriend, AND MY MIND TURNED. I was no-longer able to focus on the convo. All I could do was sit in my judgment seat and condemn her.  And to further demonstrate how limiting and unloving my perspective was....I told her that she was not allowed to discuss 'THAT LIFESTYLE'  in my home, because "I  don't want my kids to think its an ok choice for them." <~ total jerk move.  Who says that to someone and thinks its ok? I did. For years. THEN, I was butt-hurt that she ended up not being able to come over....and we never rescheduled....Not surprising now, but then, I was hurt. I WAS HURT<~WTH? (self centered much?) Thank you friend. I deserved the hurt, it led to the why(eventually). I am thankful for you defending your boundaries, that spared you some injury. Maybe I should tell you that......and how sorry I am. I'm as judgy jerk in recovery....I thank you for the lesson and hope to one day repair any damage my words and actions may have caused.

Fast forward and add a bunch of stories similar in nature, but often in my head. I was growing my openness to hate. (Placing conditions on my unconditional love...?)  Completely unaware.

Eventually, I saw my Judgment. I saw my lie I was selling myself. I saw my limiting perspective. But, how did I get it in the first place?I'm still mapping it out. I think my belief started as a child. It was normal to feel that way, celebrated even. Seems it still is in some circles, just not mine. Many churches I attended taught it as a sin. I bought it. Lots of my people thought the same way....some still do. I'm not judging them for it, each of our lessons come as we need them and some people are meant to believe differently...until they are not, or until they believe differently from yet another perspective. I think lessons come in layers. Like an onion. Or some other such thing.๐Ÿ’ฅ Judgments are everywhere, and some are good. Some protect us, some hurt. When they start to hurt us or the people we love, it pulls the judgment into the light. That is when we really get to start the work.๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿ˜‡๐Ÿ’ช Until then, the lesson has no value. ๐Ÿ’ฃ

I've had to look at a lot of judgments I hold or have held. I am working on breaking them down. I want to operate from a position of expanding perception, not limiting. ๐Ÿ‘€Soooo, when I find another judgy spot, I ask myself a lot of questions. I am no longer actively looking for people to fit my ideal, but expanding my ideal to hold space for all the people!

Some of my favorite questions:

Does this judgment hurt me or anyone (that I am currently aware of, prepare to revisit often๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜)? 

(((truth bomb)))I AM FINDING, FOR ME, THAT ALMOST ALL,, HURT ME...I am seeing that limiting others to my rules 
Looks like this:
"She stopped talking to me. Just shows, "they" are all about open-mindedness, as long as you agree....Such crap! (memories of all of the good-times flood my head. My heart sinks at the loss) Why did she ruin this? That hurt my feelings. I mean, I said I didn't judge her for it, hmph.... that's not judging, and I said I sure as hell didn't understand it. I mean, If you are bisexual, like, why even date girls? Can't keep a man? " Etc. Etc Goes the righteous voice is my head. Now my heart is racing. My face is pink. I am mad at her. AND I am not even seeing what I did wrong. I am the injured party. Her hurt does not even exist in my head. Not even on the radar. My light, and love for the world shrinks. I only see my take. I am not only holding a truth that they don't share, against them, I'm blaming them for my not being able to share my words with people.(ego: They always use your words against you. OR Maybe ego: Adds to your reasons to judge them, cuz they judgin' you, right? And heaven help you if you decide to confront them, that's a whole nother can of possibilities.) Or feeling unworthy of love,but thinking the answer lies outside of myself.,See, limits me more than them,.
Needing you to behave "my way" leaves me feeling badly, thinking negatively, less compassionate, and with new reasons to place conditions on love.
Even if you don't know. I limit you, and it hurts me.
Take for example, I am out and about, doing my thang. And, BAM! 'The coolest gadget in the world! Jason will love it', 'I say! He is gonna be so freaking thrilled!' I tell myself. 'I can not wait to see his face,' I think, while envisioning his delight! By the time I get to the checkout. I am convinced I will be his favorite star in the sky! 'He will be so pleased! Jumping up and down! "Fantastic find, babe!" he'll say!' Big hugs, and kisses, I envision....I call home and tell him that I have found the coolest gadget ever! AND, Its a surprise (Yeah!!! Building the suspense is good, right?!!!)
I hand him the mystery gadget!
He looks at it.
His expression, flat.
Why does he look confused?
He's messing with me, I tell myself.
Wait, no! WTH!?!
He hates it. {sudden crash, no longer feeling the good vibrations, so to speak.}
Then I say, in my snarky voice in my head (ya'll know...๐Ÿ˜ˆ) "Do you even KNOW WTH it is? Why are you being like that. You wanna hurt me or something....etc" See now I'm pumped up in the negative, angry, hurt, sad, disappointed, belittled.....AND he did nothing.
But that's not how I see it.
My feelings are valid.
My feelings hurt, for real.
My feelings are real, to me.
The direction I am sending blame for them, not so much. I am hurting me. He has no idea. Or maybe he does? What I do know, for me learning that the first story in your head, is not the only possible story. And how to change it, if I don't like how it feels to own, is priceless. And I get to keep more people I love, in my Life, with less bricks on my prison๐Ÿ˜. Maybe that's true for you too? Maybe not.

I'd love to know your tools!
More sample Questions I use:
Does this feeling increase my happiness and love for mankind or limit it?
Can I make room for this value in my everyday life or does it drain my energy or turn my mood negative?
Whose behavior am I wanting changed ? I feel I only ever have the right to insist on a change in my behavior, for my comfort. Redirecting children isn't the same thing to me. That is guidance.
How can I see this from a positive (expanding)view, instead of this negative(limiting) hurtful stance?
When was the first memory of this thought, or idea?

The point for me, is to see if the judgment or viewpoint still fits. If it does, I keep it. And its up to me to deal with the consequences of that decision. No one is under obligation to share my truths. NO ONE. AND that is liberating in its own right.

Your turn....What is your process? Want help finding it or implementing it? Have questions about mine(this is only a teeny, tiny, snippet of the process๐Ÿ˜œ ASK. I love to share and expand my understanding. Helping you helps me! (not a doctor, therapist, councilor, etc. Just a fellow Earth Traveler ready to help you, help,  you. (Seriously....who writes a blog and forgot all of her grammar and writing skills sometime around 20 years ago, if ever possessed...bare with me, forgive me, laugh with me, whateves!๐Ÿ˜•๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ˜ต๐Ÿ˜‚)

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